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Not but a couple of weeks ago it was reported that Katie Holmes, former Earth bride of intergalactic being "Tom Cruise," would be sending the couple's daughter Suri to the tony Catholic school Convent of the Sacred Heart on the Upper East Side. But it seems that is not true! Instead Suri will be attending a brand new school called Avenues, which is opening this fall. The Chelsea school looks out over the High Line and costs $40,000 a year. And it's K-12 so Suri could potentially spend the next twelve years of her life there. Oh, and it's supposedly going to be part of a world school that will have campuses on three other continents. So, it's quite a place! It's not quite Scientology school on a mysterious boat, but it's still something. And with a name like Avenues it's just asking for a reality show. "Next on Avenues: Will Suri and Bronx Mowgli rekindle their romance, or will Pilot Inspektor get in the way?" It could be very good! (Also, you should take some time to look around on that website, because after a while it all seems a little creepy? Like, what are you hiding, Avenues? What's your agenda? Something's a little amiss. It's too perfect. The truth is out there.) [Page Six]

Yesterday William, Duke of Cambridge, and his bride Katherine, Duchess of Party Supplies, could not contain their excitement when a British cycling team won gold at the Olympics and they both erupted into a very un-English fit of screaming, clapping, and something the Americans call "hugging." Party boy third wheel Prince Harry was with them in the stands and seemed similarly enthused. After the event, Katherine and William went to go have relations while the Queen supervised ("To the left, William. Just slightly to the left. Katherine, dear, close your mouth, we're not in France."), while Harry went to go talk to a group of child athletes from Canada. He reportedly said to them, "Hopefully you'll grow and grow and grow to be very famous and we can beat China!" He then turned to the kids' pretty young teacher and whispered, "I've got something very famous that you can watch grow and grow and grow, if you'd like," and just then Big Ben sounded and the sky was pearly gray and all was right in the Empire. [Us Weekly]

Shockingly the garbage marriage between garbage people Courtney Stodden, 17, and Dough Hutchison, 52, is in garbage trouble so they will be appearing on the garbage show Celebrity Couples Therapy on VH1 with four other garbage couples talking about their garbage. They will receive counseling, because yes counseling is what will help this marriage. "Let's talk about things," the therapist says before vomiting out his own eyeballs and bursting into flames. There is no talking to these people. There is only throwing them into a volcano and hoping the old gods will be somewhat merciful when they destroy us for our sins. [TMZ]

Um, waiiit, you guys. *Is* Giselle Bundchen pregnant with another one of Tom Brady's footballs or not? Because people were saying "Oh she has a baby bump, she has a baby bump," for a while now and that meant that she was pregnant, but in new photos from a new ad campaign, there is no bump in sight! She's bumpless! And thus babyless? Well, maybe the photos were taken before Brady deposited his fortified seed into her designer womb. Or perhaps she's carrying light. Or maybe the baby is gestating in its parents' home dimension, a place where everyone is a tall beautiful shapely god and wears rich suedes and elaborate plaids and whatnot. Then when it is time they will rip the poor child out of that place and bring it here, to this world, to this dimension, and explain that it is better to be beautiful in a world full of uglies than be regular in a world full of other beauties. The child will not understand at first, but in time, somewhere around eighth grade, it will. Oh how it will. [Page Six]

Robert Pattinson has apparently "been drinking and relying on friends" as he copes with his hurt feelings over the whole Kristen Stewart cheating thing. Wait a 26-year-old guy with lots of money, who's English, is hanging out with his mates and drinking? He must be devastated about something. Normally a lad his age would be holed up at Christ Church reading maths, but not this grieving fellow. Pray for him. [People]

Is Macaulay Culkin a heroin addict? I dunno, the National Enquirer says he is. And he has been looking skinny. But who the hell knows. It's possible. Certainly there is a child actor curse with these kinds of things. So it might be. But man is it a bummer to talk about Macaulay Culkin having a heroin problem. Isn't that just a terrible topic? It's really the worst. What's next, "Is Michelle Kwan a terrorist?" Also, National Enquirer? Maybe spell the dude's name right in your headline? Maybe at least do that. [National Enqurirer]

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