Jeah! Say it with me. Say it now while you still can, because pretty soon it's gonna cost you to say Jeah!!! That's because swimbo Ryan Lochte has filed papers to trademark his little catchphrase, something he based off of Young Jeezy's "Chea!" Yeah. I mean, jeah. That's what Ryan Lochte's up to post-Olympics. Ha, oh well! Right? Oh well. Who cares? People are pretty mean to Ryan Lochte because he seems to have a little water on the brain, but whatever, right? He's not hurting anybody. He's just a guy who likes to swim and wear diamond teeth grilles and trademark nonsense words. Who is that hurting? Nobody, is who it's hurting. Absolutely nobody. I think we should all give Ryan Lochte a hug. We've been hard on him, and he's done nothing to deserve it except be himself. His ridiculous self! He is assuredly ridiculous. But, again, so what. Team Lochte. I get that he seems like kind of a fratty bro and a lot of times fratty bros are not very nice, but do you really think he's sharp enough to be mean? That's maybe some soft bigotry of low expectations there or something, but c'mon. Think about it. Let's all be a little nicer to Ryan Lochte. Jeah? Jeah. [TMZ]
Speaking of Olympians, gymnastics gold medalist Aly Raisman, the clurrrb-goin' one, says she wants to go on a date with Joe Jonas. Yeah, the middle Jonas Brother tweeted that he was a fan of women's gymnastics (mmHM) and in response Raisman said that he's madd cute or whatever and that they should smoosh. She also said she wanted to take Kendall and Kylie Jenner up on their offer to go shopping in L.A. (Kendall and Kylie Jenner are, near as I can tell, the names of the two lemurs they have at the L.A. Zoo) and generally marveled at all the attention she's gotten. "I didn't realize how many people watched the Olympics!" she said. Aw. Lots of people watch the Olympics! But also, y'know, even more people eventually forget about the Olympics. So, get that date with Joe Jonas while you still can, girl! Interestingly enough, just like Kyle and Kendall, he'll probably take you shopping. [Us Weekly]
Ashley Dupre, the escort who was frequented by former New York governor Eliot Spitzer, is pregnant and engaged, just like that. Yup, she's apparently seven months along and soon to be married. And who is the father of this wonder child and the groom-to-be? Well, he is described as a "New Jersey asphalt scion." Which... Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahahaha. That is amazing. New Jersey asphalt scion. Ashley, was that Fresno sewage baron already taken? What about that Detroit garbage heir? Didn't you used to date a Delaware rust tycoon? Whatever happened to him? New Jersey asphalt scion. That's the best thing I've heard in a long time. Here's hoping the baby is just a pile of asphalt and they'll put cute clothes on it and hats and stuff and they'll name it Asphalt III, and they'll call it Asphy. Congrats to the happy couple! [Page Six]
Olympic soccer player Hope Solo (named after the softcore porn parody of Hope Springs) says in a new memoir that when she was on Dancing With the Stars she was roughly treated, slapped even, by her dance partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy. That's not good! Chmerkovskiy denies these things ever happened, and tweeted some cryptic stuff on Twitter about hypocrites and stuff. Curious to know more about this Maksim Chmerkovskiy — I have never, and would never, watched that show, I literally cannot imagine anything more horrible than watching Dancing With the Stars, which comes across as one giant frigid air-conditioned fart — I googled him and ohhh boy. He is referred to as the "bad boy" of Dancing With the Stars, which is the most hilariously ridiculous thing since New Jersey asphalt scion. There is no such thing as a bad boy of Dancing With the Stars because for heaven's sake it's Dancing With the Stars. What on Earth would that even mean, a bad boy on Dancing With the Stars? Come on. I mean, if he's really going around slapping his dance partner? That's not "bad boy," that's criminal prickery. Bad boy implies something dangerous but sexy, ultimately harmless, but risky. "Oh yeah, he's a real bad boy of Dancing With the Stars. The way he wears those glittery pants and little booties that the costume department makes him wear is so rebellious. Look at him flopping around on stage with Kirstie Alley while Tom Bergeron watches. What a bad boy." Absurd. Completely absurd. [Us Weekly]
Ew. French rich guy Olivier Sarkozy, Nicolas' brother, has closed on a $6.25 million mansion on East 10th street in Manhattan that he plans to live in with his girlfriend, tiny halfling creature Mary-Kate Olsen. Yeah that thing's still going on. And this house sounds crazy. It is 4,200 square feet, is five stories tall, and has nine fireplaces. Nine fireplaces! That's a lot of access points for the Floo Network. They should be careful about that. They should be careful about this whole thing, really. I mean, we're talking about the half-brother of the former president of France and one of the Michelle Tanners, dating. That's a pretty peculiar, possibly cursed, pairing as is. How can that end well, y'know? Oh well. Congrats on the house guys. Oh, and good luck on selling your $10 million, five-bedroom, 5 1/2-bath house on Riverside Drive, Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor. They're moving, apparently. Five bedrooms! In New York City! The mind reels. It really reels. [Page Six; Page Six]
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