Holy god. Holy swim gods! Holy royals. Yesterday we made some yuk-yuks about Prince Harry and Ryan Lochte both being in Las Vegas at the same time, and it was fun to imagine them at the same pool together. But it seemed like a silly idea, that this would actually happen. The world is occasionally kind, but it is never terribly generous. And Prince Harry and Ryan Lochte swanning about at some Las Vegas pool together? That would be the height of generosity. So imagine our surprise when, in fact, the world did gift us with just such a story this morning: Prince Henry and Swimfan did, indeed, hang out at a nightclub pool last night, in Las Vegas. Yup. They did. They even raced. They did a swim race! And then did a bro-slap hug thing afterward. And of course talked to lotsa ladies in teeny weeny sweet bikinis. Because they are gods! Harry has the rich red blood of a long royal lineage running through his delicate veins, and Lochte is a proud minnowman from Triton's murky kingdom, and so of course they are joining together like dual stars, fiery and perfect, at a hotel swimming pool in Las Vegas, meetin' the ladies. Oh, what a wonderful story. Is there a better story in America today? There isn't. Oh, and there's video. Video! Sweet heavens. Sweet cool, kind Earth. Thank you. Thank you. [New York Daily News]
Remember when Stephanie Pratt from The Hills (yup) had that boyfriend who ran over a policeman's foot with his fancy car in New York? That's a thing that happened a couple weeks ago and it was a terrible story, full of villainy and sadness. Anyway, now the cop is suing Stephanie Pratt's boyfriend, whose name is Julien Chabbott, for a whopping $10 million. That's one expensive foot! What is it, made of diamonds or something? Is it a Beanie Baby, one of the valuable ones? Is that what kinda foot he has? We're not saying he shouldn't sue, we hope he takes Stephanie Pratt's boyfriend for everything he's worth, but a $10 million foot is, you must admit, a pretty expensive foot. [Page Six]
Mayim Bialik's hand is fine and she is able to care for her children and also go to the Emmys even though she nearly lost a thumb in a car accident last week. It helps to have your brother Tony be a paramedic, I guess. [People]
Meanwhile, Wynonna Judd's husband had his leg amputated. So. Not all celebrities are lucky. At present, Stephanie Pratt's boyfriend is not suspected of any involvement. [People]
Lindsay Lohan went to a party recently and brought some friends with her and, oh god, two of those friends allegedly robbed the house where the party was. Yeah, Lindsay Lohan brought burglars to a house. Yikes. I mean, they only stole "several expensive watches and some sunglasses" so it's not like some huge deal, but still. Lindsay! Lindsay. Goddarn it, girl. Stop it with this stuff. Bringing burglars to a party. Who brings burglars to a party? What is this, an episode of Entourage? Just settle down, LiLo. Settle down forever. Burglars. Burglars! At a person's party. And now those sunglasses are gone forever. Whoever had that party now has to squint in the sun. And it's all your fault, Lindsay. [TMZ]
Speaking of repeat messes, Amanda Bynes was apparently in ANOTHER CAR ACCIDENT. That is, by our official count, her three thousandth car accident since last week. Amanda Bynes actually spends more time getting in accidents than she does just straight-up regular driving. Amanda. Stop driving. Move to a cave and stop driving. Move to a cave with Lindsay Lohan and you two will be cave brides and that will be life, life in a cave, free of car accidents and sunglass burglars and all the modern ills of the non-cave world. Take your last car trip and pick up Lindsay Lohan and then drive to a cave and go live there with Lindsay Lohan. Because clearly the bigger, broader, caveless world is too much for you. Another car accident? It's just too much. And look what you did to Mayim Bialik and Wynonna Judd's husband. And to that police officer. He's suing, you know. He's suing. Can't get sued in a cave. Just saying. [TMZ]
Here are some intense photos of Suri Cruise. That's a weird adjective to use about photos of Suri Cruise, but they are just that. They are intense. She's really angry at the photographer, which, of course, is completely within her rights. But it's intense to see her doing it all the same. Poor Suri. [Daily Mail]
Something bad, or at least surprising, happened on Bachelor Pad last night. Someone got eliminated who wasn't supposed to be eliminated, or something. Which, whatever, fine. This is what happens on Bachelor Pad. People get eliminated or get not eliminated and no one, not a single person, even though they all should, moves to a cave. No one does that! No one ever moves to a cave, despite our steady insistence that they do. Oh well. [Us Weekly]
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