Mila and Ashton Heat Up

Today in celebrity gossip: Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are getting serious as a couple, Karl Lagerfeld says another boneheaded thing about a woman's looks, and Jessica Biel has no idea what she's doing for her wedding.

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Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis' budding puppy love has turned into full-on dog love, as the two recently jetted off to Bali to spend a sexy time together at a sexy hotel. Private pools, a sunken bathtub, and all sorts of other sensual water-holes adorn their suite, enabling lots of Kelso/Jackie lovemaking. Once daily an old lady comes in and sings "Bali Hai" and then the parents from That '70s Show show up and start scolding the two as their rutting reaches climax. It's just a really, really sexy trip is what we're trying to impress upon you. Very sexy and sensual and sweaty and sinewy. There is no other way to talk about this trip. They are not playing Parcheesi on this vacation. They are playing each other like well-tuned flesh xylophones. [Page Six]

Oh for heaven's sake. Only sorta-kinda reanimated corpse Karl Lagerfeld has said this of Pippa Middleton while discussing her sister Kate, "I don't like the sister's face. She should only show her back." Yes, Pippa Middleton. What a horrific beast. Meanwhile Karl Lagerfeld, who is what's leftover from an old Hessian experiment to control an army of the dead, looks like this. That's what Karl Lagerfeld looks like. So, keep talking, you old goat. Literally he is a goat wearing the suit Michael Jackson was buried in. Ugh. Fashion people are the worst. [Us Weekly]

Speaking of disgusting people, ugly ugmo Jessica Biel, what a horror that one is huh, says that she hasn't been working on planning her wedding to Justin Timberlake (another monster) at all. Nope, she's just enjoying being engaged and the wedding planning will come when the wedding planning comes. (I think the wedding planning will come when the wedding planner is hired.) I mean, obviously some things she already knows. Of course the wedding will be Mickey Mouse Club-themed to honor Justin's past. And the service will be officiated by Chris Kirkpatrick wearing a wig that looks like his old 'NSYNC braids. In fact everyone in the wedding party will be wearing wigs of Chris Kirkpatrick's old braids. And as expected Britney Spears will come popping out of the wedding cake to serenade the couple with a few wobbly bars of "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" before falling asleep on top of the cake. And without question the entire ceremony will happen in the old 7th Heaven house, a place richly blessed by the ancient, vengeful stone god that was worshipped on that show and who Biel still sacrifices to regularly. But beyond that — wedding band, photographer, chicken vs. fish — nothing has been planned. [People]

Adorable New Girl star Max Greenfield has become penpals with wisp of lavender smoke Gwyneth Paltrow. He is an avid fan of her lifestyle newsletter GOOP and has appeared in it once and will do so again around the Emmys. But he has never met her! Nope, the two have never actually met. They're just old fashioned penpals who use email instead of some beautiful quill pen. Greenfield sits in his house typing away on his computer, and Paltrow hovers in some sort of cosmic ether and dictates the email with noises that sound like big bells under water and that's how they do it. Separate but together, alone but united. Then Greenfield goes off to hang out with his wife and kid, and Paltrow glimmers out of this dimension and travels to her home world, a place made of feathers and almonds, of which she is eternal queen. [Us Weekly]

The president of the United Arab Emirates, Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan, is currently building the world's biggest yacht. It's going to be an obscene 590 feet long and will cost $627.4 million all told. That's more than $1 million a foot. This stupid thing is so big it can only be docked in two places — Monaco and Antibes — and has a 264,172-gallon gas tank. When it is finished being built, the Sheik will point to it and say "Look how big it is! It's so big! I swear, it's big! Come on, look at that boat! It's big! Everything about me is big, I promise!" and everyone will nod their heads and say "MmHm" and roll their eyes and he'll chuckle a little and say, more meekly now, "Really... it's big. Why don't you believe me... It's so big... I'm a big strong man. Look at my boat. Look how big I am..." And then he'll just be alone on the balcony, looking at his big dumb boat, everyone else inside chatting away about something else. [Page Six]

A bit old but still very important: Taylor Swift is NOT dating Kennedy clan member Patrick Schwarzenegger, as previously feared. She's been seen hanging around Hyannis Port canoodling with Patrick, so we got worried. But no, she is in fact dating Robert Kennedy's grandson Conor Kennedy. It's still a national travesty that ol' glimmer guts over there has snaked her way into America's most important bunch of Catholics — society's borders shouldn't be that porous — but at least she is not with Patrick. At least there's that. Though, I suppose this is a much more direct Kennedy that she's dating. So maybe that is much worse. Ah well. She's 22, he's 18, it'll never last. Soon they'll be split up and she'll be back to dating within her own caste. Which, really, isn't a bad place to be. I mean, there are some Romneys in there. And, I dunno, does John Edwards have any nephews? If so, that's where they are. Nancy Pelosi's former "utility boy," that's where you'll find him. It's a pretty decent group, is what I'm saying. It's not the Kennedys, but really what is. [Page Six]

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