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Percy Jackson's older brother Michael Phelps went out on the town in London on Saturday night to celebrate his team winning the Olympic 4x100 swimming relay, Phelps' final race as a swimmer, and wouldn't you know it, he had some babe on his flipper. Yes, an unidentified blonde woman was seen leaving the House of St. Barnabas-in-Soho with our noble fish god, both carrying bottles of Stella Artois as they got into a car at around 4 a.m. Sooo. Was this perhaps just a Lochte's mom-style one-night stand, or might this blonde woman be something more serious? And either way will Dan Hicks and Rowdy Gaines be crushed? There's no way to know right now, though we'd guess the answers to those questions are come on please of course it was a one-night stand let's be grownups here and oh mercy Rowdy and Dan are going to cry for days, lying on their shared waterbed, weeping and weeping as it slowly spins in a lonely circle. [The New York Post]

Speaking of gents spending nights out, poor Robert Pattinson, a cuckold at 26, was spotted with some mates at a bar in Ojai on Saturday night. Pattinson is crashing at Reese Witherspoon's house up there while he deals with the fallout from girlfriend Kristen Stewart's sordid betrayal, but I guess he couldn't stay cooped up in the house forever. Witnesses describe the gents joining Pattinson as "good looking guys that dressed 'hip L.A.'" Aha! So is Justin Theroux going to be jealous that he wasn't invited? Because Justin Theroux likes to dress very L.A. hip. Anyway, Pattinson was said to appear in good spirits, with a witness adding that he "seems like a good kid!" Ha, really? That was gleaned by creepily staring at someone at a bar for a little while and then talking to a tabloid about it? Also, is this even a real witness? Who is this person? Is this someone from the bar trying to drum up a little press? "Come drink where a heartbroken wizard vampire drinks." Well, bar proprietor, it won't work. The minute they said that celebrities go to Senor Swanky's, well, celebrities stopped going to Senor Swanky's. And now it's gone. So let that be a lesson. [Us Weekly]

Oh, dear god. A horse died during one of those stupid polo matches they have out in the Hamptons so everyone can feel fancy and British even though they're tacky and American. Sensitive onlookers said "What happened can be dangerous, and it’s lucky no one was hurt." Well, the horse was probably hurt, when it died! Polo club owner Chris Del Gatto said that both horse and human polo players are serious athletes and that they "give us their all playing a very dangerous game for both horse and rider." Hm. Polo maybe wouldn't have to be dangerous for the horse if you didn't, y'know, make the horse play polo? Like, the horse might give you its all, whatever that means, but it's not like it wants to be playing polo for a bunch of jerks. This is not to say that all equestrian sports are cruel or anything, but when a horse dies of a heart attack while playing a game that exists solely to make a very small group of gaudy rich people feel very rich and very posh, that kind of sucks. Oh if only the Hamptons would just burble into the sea already. Montauk and other places can stay. But please, Percy Jackson, please tell your dad to do something about Bridgehampton. Get your big brother to help. [Page Six]

Nude model and pistachio salesman Levi Johnston says the he plans to file for full custody of his son Tripp, whom he sired with Alaska's former first daughter, Bristol Palin. The word is that he's seen Bristol's parenting skills on her TLC reality show Life's a Tripp and is appalled by Tripp's lack of discipline. Ha. Right. "I wasn't sure how the mother of my child was doing as a parent until I saw her on a reality show." Sounds like you'd be super attentive with full custody then, Levi! Now we're sure this has nothing, nothing to do with Bristol's upcoming reappearance on Dancing With the Stars and the money that might bring. Certainly Levi wouldn't want access to any of those bones via child support. I mean, not when he's got all his stuff goin' on, like, y'know, uh... lookin' at pine trees and eatin' baloney slices in the driveway. Oh and of course looking after his girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby (yup), who is pregnant with Levi's second child, a baby girl they reportedly plan to name Breeze Beretta. So this is basically all to say that everything's going great up there in Wasilla. Nothing to worry about up there. [TMZ]

Macaulay Culkin, who the National Enquirer is saying is addicted to heroin, apparently made an appearance at Natalie Portman's weekend wedding in Big Sur. Portman and Culkin have been friends for years reportedly, and Culkin was seen in February spending time with Portman and her son. So that's encouraging, maybe? Oh and yes, Natalie Portman has married her baby's father, Benjamin, a millipede. Congratulations to everyone. [Us Weekly]

Good grief. Amanda Bynes is said to have been in her third hit and run in almost as many months over the weekend. A lady says that Bynes rear-ended her but then drove away when the woman wanted insurance info. The woman gave chase and took down Bynes' license plate number, which proved to be a rental. Police called the rental place and indeed Bynes had rented a car from them. So. Yikes. What's going on, Amanda? Is this really what a girl wants? You used to be the man, you were all that, and now you're just... Well, I dunno. Something something Sydney White. [Daily Mail]

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