The 2012 London Olympics get underway today and it is all very exciting. The pomp! The circumstance! The beautiful hardbodies in barely any clothing! The Olympics are great. Who doesn't like the Olympics? Only jerks don't like the Olympics. Though the trouble is, these days, some jerks are watching the Olympics and they're bound and determined to ruin them for everyone else. So here we make a brief but impassioned plea: Please don't watch the real-time events and spoil them for the rest of us who like to watch in primetime.
We know, we know. You can't really get "spoiled" about something that's being broadcast live somewhere. It's our fault for not being able/wanting to watch live. And we know that it's also our fault for being on Twitter and Facebook and whatever else in the first place. Those of us concerned about enjoying the Olympics the proper way, the way they are supposed to be enjoyed — i.e. on primetime, with Bob Costas showing us what he wants to show us — are the ones with the responsibility to avoid any real-time news about who won what and what crazy thing happened to whom. So yes, we know that it's not technically your responsibility to keep our ears virgin until we're comfortably home from work and in front of the TV. But in the spirit of human decency, in the Olympic spirit, please hush up, will ya?
Or better yet, join us! Let's all watch the Olympics together, the real American way. None of these internet live streams and satellites and god knows what else. No siree. Let's all make a pledge to watch these games, these magnificent and glorious games, these marvelous triumphs of the human body and spirit, together. At 8pm EDT. (Or, 7:30 tonight for the Opening Ceremonies. Which, if you simply must know about ahead of time, are being covered on our site right here.) On NBC. That way none of us can ruin it for anybody else! Sure the news will be out there, but at least some blundering tweet or overzealous status update won't ruin our fun. We already know to avoid Yahoo, and ESPN.com, and wherever else during these thrilling/agonizing two weeks, but we'd like to think we can trust you, our friends, a little bit more than big news organizations. So kindly watch with us. Don't watch against us. And if you must, if you simply have to do it live, please, again, shut the Phelps up.
It sounds harsh, it sounds finicky, it sounds maybe even selfish. But this is a matter of tradition and respect. We don't go ruining your, um, other sports or something that you watch, but even if we did, those things are on all the damn time. The Olympics are only every couple of years, they're far more special than some raggedy old football game. So yes we're going to be rigid and fussy about this, and yes it's a tall request, saying please tune out the world until all of us are ready to pay attention to it, but you'll only have to do it for two weeks every two years! That's not asking that much, is it? And think of how much more fun it will be to experience all the joys, defeats, surprises, tumbles, spills, disasters, and wondrous successes communally! So much more fun that having your lonely face glued to a computer screen, typing away in 140 character bursts of spoilery meanness. The Olympics are about coming together. Come be together with us.
OK, that's all. That's all we ask. It's up to you to decide what kind of person — nay, what kind of American — you want to be. Are you a ruiner? Or are you a team player? Choose wisely.