It has come to our attention that it is hot. Really hot. How does one make him or herself otherwise? How does one become, internally and externally, through and through, back-to-front-and-front-to-back cold?
How do you be it, then? Are you sitting down? Sitting down helps in matters in coldness. Standing is hot, sitting is cool. Movement while standing is OK, but only in pursuit of getting to a colder place. So, sit. OK.
Now, are you drinking something? Something wet with ice cubes, or, if no ice cubes are handy because they've all melted, are you drinking something that is below the temperature of the street or farmland or random suburbia outside, where it smells oddly of fish and 100 people who have also forgotten their deodorant swipe on this of all foul days, or perhaps if you are lucky, like burnt popcorn or hot grass? Good. Drink again.
Next. Are you indoors? If you're not indoors, you're truly testing the limits of cold, and we are impressed. Perhaps you are one of the rare types who is so cold you don't even need to be inside in order to be one with chill. Perhaps you're outside, lying on a beach, enjoying a chill spray of ocean water wafting across your scantily swimsuit clad form. Perhaps you're dashing through a sprinkler (careful with the laptop!), shrieking about how it's soooo cold. Perhaps you're just outside, in the middle of a hot, sun-baked park, sweating like you've never sweat before but dreaming of ice castles and that time they let you into the vodka tasting vault at that casino, that room that was kept so cold that they dressed you in a Ushanka hat and fur coat before letting you in. Wow, that was cold! Really quite chilly. If you are this person you don't really need our help to be cold, you already are.
To remind yourself of how cold you are, read a bunch of cold words: algid, arctic, bitter, bone-chilling, chill, chilly, coldish, cool, coolish, freezing, frigid, frosty, gelid, glacial, ice-cold, icy, nipping, nippy, numbing, polar, shivery, snappy, wintry (also wintery). Consider starting a band called Bone-Chilling Gelid; discard the idea as you'd be stuck playing the keyboards and that would make your hands sweat, which would ruin the whole idea. Stop thinking about that.
Think about cold: Igloos. Baby penguins just learning to walk. The sound of trickling ice-cold streams. The sound of refilling your Britta. Ice-fishing holes in the Old Mill Pond in the middle of winter. Scraping ice off your car's frozen windshield. Skiing in the Alps, or in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. Vanilla Whats-His-Name, whispering in your ear! The chill that goes down your back when someone plays with your hair. Brain freeze from eating your ice cream too quickly. The time that mean girl totally ignored you in high school. The negative windchill ripping through your woolen peacoat as you hunch your way toward the subway in February. Getting trapped in a meat locker like in that episode of the Brady Bunch. Putting hot potatoes in your pockets on the way to school to keep your hands from freezing. The sound your refrigerator makes, a chilly groan from within. The time you put your tongue up against the basketball pole in the elementary school playground and then the bell rang and you were stuck out there the whole recess until finally the gym teacher came to rescue you. Being stranded in your car in Alaska with only frozen Coors Light to keep you company. Making snow angels, forever. Perusing scenic vistas from the tops of frost-covered mountains, your hands shaking as you attempt to hold the camera, which has frozen to your fingers. When the delivery guy takes too long and the soup is only lukewarm.