The long-awaited moment is here: A wee totling has been birthed into this great nation! Yes, Jessica Simpson has had her child, and this changes absolutely everything, or perhaps nothing. Confused? We have answers to the questions that you are sure to be asking.
Who is Jessica Simpson? Jessica Simpson is a multi-talented celebrity person who was once married to another multi-talented celebrity person who is now married to yet another multi-talented celebrity person. The former twosome were on an early reality television show together during a period in which she famously mistook tuna for chicken. They split; she dated Tony Romo. She has blonde hair, and is considered attractive, generally, though people tend to be rather rude about her sometimes fluctuating weight. She is now engaged to Eric Johnson, American footballer and free agent, who is the father of the wee totling. Sister: Ashlee, who may be the only celebrity person besides Jennifer Grey to have gotten a nose job and become unrecognizable from her former self; also, was once married to Pete Wentz. Dad: Joe, minister, manager, very proud of his daughter's cup size. She is a Texan.
Ohhhh, Jessica Simpson. Wait, Jessica Simpson still hadn't had her baby? Hasn't she been pregnant for, like, 100 cat years or something? It does seem like it! Appearances throughout the long Simpson pregnancy include on the cover of Elle magazine in that tiresome Demi Moore pose; on the covers of OK! magazine and In Touch talking about her delivery even before she delivered, talking to Us Weekly about "mummy-hood"; talking on Jimmy Kimmel about sweating through maternity Spanx, talking to Ryan Seacrest about pregnancy orgasms, and so on and so on. Yes, it seems like it has been forever, but Mother Simpson has really only been discussing her upcoming baby since Halloween, a mere 6 months—not even the entire gestation period of a human animal. The glut in news coverage, however, may be attributed to access and availability, and also, to how long we've discussed Simpson maybe being pregnant when in fact she actually wasn't. It's also about our options in celebrity babymaking: In lieu of Angelina and Brad's offspring, or even Tom and Katie's, or another Rossdale urchin, we have settled for Simpson-spawn. This relates surely to Simpson's desire to utilize her offspring in some surely genuine and beneficent way that also supports her brand. She has given the media access, and the media loves access.