Some Questions to Ask Yourself Upon the Arrival of Jessica Simpson's Baby

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The long-awaited moment is here: A wee totling has been birthed into this great nation! Yes, Jessica Simpson has had her child, and this changes absolutely everything, or perhaps nothing. Confused? We have answers to the questions that you are sure to be asking.

Who is Jessica Simpson? Jessica Simpson is a multi-talented celebrity person who was once married to another multi-talented celebrity person who is now married to yet another multi-talented celebrity person. The former twosome were on an early reality television show together during a period in which she famously mistook tuna for chicken. They split; she dated Tony Romo. She has blonde hair, and is considered attractive, generally, though people tend to be rather rude about her sometimes fluctuating weight. She is now engaged to Eric Johnson, American footballer and free agent, who is the father of the wee totling. Sister: Ashlee, who may be the only celebrity person besides Jennifer Grey to have gotten a nose job and become unrecognizable from her former self; also, was once married to Pete Wentz. Dad: Joe, minister, manager, very proud of his daughter's cup size. She is a Texan.

Ohhhh, Jessica Simpson. Wait, Jessica Simpson still hadn't had her baby? Hasn't she been pregnant for, like, 100 cat years or something? It does seem like it! Appearances throughout the long Simpson pregnancy include on the cover of Elle magazine in that tiresome Demi Moore pose; on the covers of OK! magazine and In Touch talking about her delivery even before she delivered, talking to Us Weekly about "mummy-hood"; talking on Jimmy Kimmel about sweating through maternity Spanx, talking to Ryan Seacrest about pregnancy orgasms, and so on and so on. Yes, it seems like it has been forever, but Mother Simpson has really only been discussing her upcoming baby since Halloween, a mere 6 months—not even the entire gestation period of a human animal. The glut in news coverage, however, may be attributed to access and availability, and also, to how long we've discussed Simpson maybe being pregnant when in fact she actually wasn't. It's also about our options in celebrity babymaking: In lieu of Angelina and Brad's offspring, or even Tom and Katie's, or another Rossdale urchin, we have settled for Simpson-spawn. This relates surely to Simpson's desire to utilize her offspring in some surely genuine and beneficent way that also supports her brand. She has given the media access, and the media loves access.

Does this relate at all to the important and recent New York Times trend story about the celebrity baby bump business? Why yes, it does. You are so smart! Jessica Simpson is a key example of a celebrity who has gained a "baby bump" in fame by getting pregnant and promoting her burgeoning motherhood on the pages of magazines. Not that there's anything wrong with that. There is, however, something deeply wrong with the phrase "baby bump."

Does the apparent decline in the A-list status of very public celebrity baby-havers (following Jay-Z and Beyoncé's big moment) mean that we can finally stop obsessing over celebrity babies  and go about our normal daily lives or even just chill out and talk about shoes or something? No, no it doesn't. But soon. Maybe. Actually, probably never. As long as there are celebrities who have sex and become pregnant and magazines that like to use the phrase "baby bump" this is our past, present, and future. On the bright side, at least it's not pandas being artificially inseminated. 

So, what is the wee totling's name? Maxwell Drew Johnson. It—she— is a girl.

How do we feel about that? We sort of like it. At least it's not Apple. Or Blue Ivy Carter, which might have resulted in lawsuits. Which might have been exciting. But anyway, "Max" for a girl, that's kinda cute, no?

Who's the next celebrity bebe-kins we can look forward to meeting online or at the very least on the cover of a magazine because we will probably never see them in actual real life but or perhaps because of that we are simply mad to see? Mommy starts with "S," ends with "i," and you have approximately 3 and a half months, give or take.

What should we do to congratulate Jessica and Eric and wee baby Maxwell? Absolutely nothing. You should probably just leave them alone. Anything else is known in the biz as "stalking."

Now that Jessica has one, do I want one, too? We can't talk to you anymore. 

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.