Prince William Doesn't Have to Worry About His Future Just Yet

Today: Prince William doesn't have to figure his life out just yet, Barack and Michelle apparently had a rocky patch, and Noah Wyle heads to court

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Welcome to the Smart Set. Every morning we bring you the gossip coverage, filtered. Today: Prince William doesn't have to figure his life out just yet, Barack and Michelle apparently had a rocky patch, and Noah Wyle heads to court.

Bonny Prince William isn't going to have to decide his life that soon. Though some folks have been writing that Wills will soon have to decide whether to carry on with the Royal Air Force or ditch it, his tour of duty actually isn't up until mid next year. So he's got all the time in the world to make a decision. And what a fun decision! To either continue on in the British military during wartime or retire from that and become a professional glad-hander and appearance-maker for the rest of his life. To fly helicopters into tattered war zones or have every fart and wrinkle scrutinized mercilessly until he dies. Actually, ha, sadly the latter thing will happen either way, so. Wills, a potential third option? Run away into the jungle and make a life for yourself like the Swiss Family Robinson. Bring Kate along if she's game, otherwise Pippa will probably be up for it. ("Will, where the 'ell are we going?" "There's a liquor store in here somewhere." "Oh alright, cheers.") Just run away, dude. Get the hell outta that life. Sure you won't be worth billions of dollars in old-ass jewels anymore, but you can make a toupee for yourself out of coconut fuzz. And that's priceless. [Us Weekly]

Apparently about twelve years ago Barack and Michelle "talked divorce" after a devastating campaign loss. Barack chose to run against incumbent congressman Bobby Rush even though Michelle told him not to and then when he lost Barack got in a funk and Michelle was like "What did I tell you?" So that was a rocky point in their marriage, according to some new biography called The Amateur, anyway. The White House is of course calling the thing hogwash (not a direct quote — the term hogwash has been deemed offensive, as Haley Barbour uses a shampoo of that name), but who knows. One thing that's for certain: Running a political campaign against a guy named Bobby Rush is probably not a good idea. A guy named Bobby Rush wins things. Bobby Rush has been places and is going more places. Bobby Rush. Hell, I'd vote for him right now and I don't even know the man. Bobby Rush. What are you doing in 2016, Bobby Rush? [Page Six]

Former E.R. actor turned TNT alien fighter Noah Wyle must appear in court in Washington D.C. along with 73 others after being arrested last week while protesting Medicaid cuts. The real issue here is that many in the protesting party, a disability advocacy group called ADAPT, live far away and can't afford to fly back to D.C. to appear in court. Usually they are allowed to have an attorney represent them, but some jerk judge is saying they actually have to be there. So that seems punitive for a group that is, y'know, advocating for healthcare for disabled people. Though we suppose it's possible that the judge wants them in court simply so he can explain to the group that Noah Wyle is only an actor and not an actual doctor, in case he's trying to run that old scam again. [People]

So another sensual masseur, this one named Luis Gonzalez, has come forward saying that he and John Travolta fondled one another's naughty bits at some point. Gonzalez, who has apparently hired Gloria Allred to be his attorney, because that's always a good idea, says that Travolta was "a great kisser," because gross. He also said that Travolta is "very experienced" when it comes to having gay sex in hotel rooms with masseuses, because why wouldn't a Hollywood actor be experienced in that. There's a whole account of their lovemaking — "I gladly let him lay on the table naked . . . and within five minutes, Travolta spread his legs and I could see an erection" — if you care to read it. Man. Couldn't, like, James Marsden have had some gay sex scandal? It had to be John Travolta? Such a bummer. [New York Daily News]

Rihanna's Battleship director Peter Berg says that Ri-Ri is totes fine even though she had to be treated for "exhaustion" after the Met gala last week. He basically said that she's a hard worker and that everything's fine. Which, OK, sure. The only problem is that when someone is treated for "exhaustion," one immediately envisions whatever made Mariah Carey go crazy that one time. (She hasn't really recovered, has she?) Like, it would be better to say, "My client had a little too much champagne and cocaine the other night" than to say she was treated "for exhaustion." The former is like "Oops, yeah, she's a young person and she over indulged." The latter is, "Kiss the Rihanna you know goodbye because she's headed into crazytown. She will probably slap someone on a private jet in the next six to eight weeks." Say, "My client ate a bad burrito and, y'know, also did too much cocaine." Because "exhaustion" is the term publicists use only right before their clients start attacking cars with umbrellas. Get a new phrase, publicists! Because the one you're using now conjures up terrible, dark images. "My client is a human being who's been been burning the candle at both ends because of her demanding job and just needed a little breather. Also she did some coke and you know how that is." So much better than "my client will soon be muttering bizarre incantations during an interview and then shaving her head." [Page Six]

Someone who looks like Snooki was struck in the face, just like the real Snook was struck in the face that one timei. That is commitment to one's craft right there. Very method. Also, well reported, TMZ. Very important work. [TMZ]

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.