Seriously, What's So Great About Corgis?

What we are about to say is a matter of much controversy, but it must be asked nonetheless: Are corgis even that cute?

Is there anything the Internet loves more than a corgi? If they're not starring in many a Buzzfeed blog post (including but not limited to "Welsh Corgi Getting a Bath Evaluates 8 Cat Food Ads"; "The Most Perfect Corgi Ever"; "Obama Riding a Giant Corgi"; "Corgi Catching Treats in Slow Motion"; "Corgi Breakin the Law"; and "33 Photos of Corgi Butts"; not to mention the self-described Corgi-palooza "Corgi Flop GIF Wall and 50 Corgis at the Beach"; they're appearing under Gawker's "Death by Cute" slug, alongside words like "lovable" and "adorable." Clearly, the Internet desperately wants us to accept the viralization of the corgi, feeding it as they are to us bit by bit, like so many pieces of kibble. What we are about to say is a matter of much controversy, but it must be asked nonetheless: Are corgis even that cute?

Briefly, let's examine the corgi:

Head: Not as beautiful as a weimaraner, nor as perfect as a labrador retriever, nor as adorable and hypo-allergenically fluffy as a cockapoo, the corgi face is reminiscent of your bawdy uncle who farts a lot and one time took all your allowance money in a game of poker, except then he left it for you under your pillow where you found it only after crying for hours over the loss of your hard-earned savings when he had to get out of town quick-like. Point being: A corgi is questionable, even if its heart is good, and a corgi would sell you down the river if it had to, smiling with cocked head and gleaming brown eyes. Unfortunately, you can't hate the corgi, even when the corgi is scamming you hardcore.

Ears: Abnormally big. Pointy. All the better to hear you with, my dear.

Tail: Fluffy. Or sometimes, there's no tail at all. If tail, it drags on the ground, almost. (See: body.)

Body: A corgi is not svelte. A corgi is not even, perhaps, in admirable shape. A corgi has a long, weird body, topped with that uncle-like head. Its chest puffs out, like a small man who's worked out too aggressively on his pecs and forsaken his lower half. When a corgi is running, a corgi's belly often hefts to and fro, ungainly. This is amusing, but is it cause for reverence, or corgi-worship? We think not. Further: A corgi's low stature was to keep it from getting kicked by cows it herded, a metaphor with some deep Internet ramifications, we think—they performed their duties "by nipping at the heels."

Legs: Oh, lord, this is where things get really messed up. The legs... Why are they so little, like tiny stumps, like the bound feet of women in a less empowered society, like something one could barely walk on, much less rely upon to break into a joyous, slobbery trot? Why are we promoting, even celebrating, the apparent deformities of these dogs!? This is a kind of fetishism! Internet, you are sick.

Tongue: Sticks out. Pink.

Behavior: Energetic. [Sic, all]: "It is quite difficult to ask a corgi to perform work in which he does not want to do. To please an energetic corgi by confining him in a small space may be unpleasant to him, similar to a calm, laid back dog finds it hard to pick a thrown Frisbee." To wit: the corgi likes to work at home in his pajamas.

Personality: "Several folks have suggested that their dogs have a tendency toward something called megalomania." Also: "Corgis not only collect stuffed animals, they also kill and disembowel them."

Prone to: Progressive retinal atrophy. Stop blogging so much, corgi!

Provenance: "Welsh folklore says the corgi is the preferred mount of fairy warriors. There is also a folk legend that says corgis were a gift from the woodland fairies, and that the breed's markings were left on its coat by fairy harnesses and saddles." Er, OK.

Celebrity status: Queen Elizabeth surrounds herself with them. Sometimes they have rage issues.

So, why does the Internet love a corgi so? According to Scott Lamb, Buzzfeed's managing editor, "They're happy little doggy-dwarves who are always smiling. They're sort of demented and funny-looking in a way but then also really cute, and they don't care, they're always optimistic." Translation: The Internet so loves a corgi because the Internet, in essence, IS a corgi.

Note: "It is important to socialize this breed with other animals, adults and children when they are very young to avoid any anti-social behavior or aggression later in life." Noted.

Image via Shutterstock by Steamroller_blues.