OK, that was some hot chicanery on American Idol last night, was it not? That was some straight up flimflammery, a scam and a cheat and an ol' run-around. That was a scheme faker than a Jennifer Lopez song. We've been had, America. Hoodwinked and bamboozled.
I'm not talking about the joke that Idol pulled when it brought back Jimbo Durbin to scream a song at us. That was also a sham, trying to prentend as if James Durbin is a person who is making music that people want to listen to, but it's not the sham I'm talking about. I mean, it was a pretty big joke, though, wasn't it? Jimmy Durbs coming back to jiggle around on stage all over again, his hair puffed out like a sea anemone, devils on horseback thighs wrapped tight in strained pants, a weird microphone that was just a little ball clutched in his sweaty hands. Plus he was auto-tuned, wasn't he? Or like auto-screeched? The weird mic or something else was adding a kind of church organ quality to his voice that was a little silly. I mean the whole thing was unendingly silly, but the fact that this supposedly hardcore rock guy has to have his voice altered to sound more like he wants it to sound is the silliest of all things. Get it together, Durbin. After he pooped out his song he talked to Ryan for a bit and said that he was playing the Viper Room later that night, which, if River Phoenix knew about that he'd be rolling over on his sidewalk. (OK, that is a horrible, horrible joke, but it's Friday the 13th, evil things are supposed to happen.) James Durbin is ridiculous. Though, I guess it was kind of fun to have him back in the same way that it's fun to have anyone from a season or two ago back. Hi old friend! Or old enemy! How ya been?
So that was a sham! And there was another sham involving the kids all sharing some fan mail with the audience. Elise Totinos showed us some earrings that someone at the home had made and had that nice nurse Jane send into the show. They were feather earrings, feathers like from a tweety-boid. So that is nice. Evil Coltron Dixon received a big, long and involved card that was essentially a prom invite. When he opened it he was like "Whoa ho ho! Whoaaaa," but wouldn't tell us what he was reading. He said it was a "definite maybe" on the prom, he said it in this trying to be funny/laid back kinda way that was a little embarrassing, but he did not share the contents of the card. But luckily I have a friend on the inside who sent me the card last night and here's what it said: "Dear Colton, my name is Julie and I live in [redacted], CO. I was wondering if you'd like to go to my prom with me. If you do, I will totally ---- your --- with an old ------ that I found in my parents' ------- and then I'll ---- your ---- and ------ with your ----- and you can ---- all over -- ---- and then I'll ----- a ---- in -- ------ and you can ------ my ---- while I ----- a ------ in your -------. Plus my dad can drive. Will you be my date??" (Obviously we had to take out some words because this is a family site. But you get the drift.) Colton's eyes were like waa-waa-weeeee-waa, or at least they should have been. His eyes were some cold, glass, synthetic version of that, there was a falseness to his excitement, a quiet lie. Of course we know why, know the true contents of Colton's black, fearsome heart. He doesn't want to ---- that girl's ----- or ---- in her -----. But he has to pretend he does for now.