'American Idol': Judgment Day

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Another night, another one gone. After Wednesday's CRIME ELIMINATION and all that, last night's just regular old elimination felt a bit staid and boring. It was just what it was, ho hum, oh well. Even if, yeah, it was a little vindicating.

I suppose that before the elimination we ought to discuss what else happened in the episode. I mean, really, there wasn't much. There was a Ford Automotive Musical Video Program once again, and in this one our noble singtestants, who surely don't take scouring hot showers after all of this to wash the acrid reeking stink of corporate shillery off their leathering skin, were in a haunted ghost house! Yup, they were beset by spooks and specters and other various paranormal calamities and boy was it scary. Luckily they had their Ford-brand proton packs and ghost traps so they caught all the bad ghosts (they let the big slobbery gay ghost Slimer, aka Jacob Lusk, stay where he was) and that was the end of the story. It was pretty terrifying, but somehow we all made it through. After the haunted house all the contestants went home and shivered in fetal balls on their beds murmuring "Unclean, unclean" while a Ford executive creepily stroked their hair.

The biggest part of this episode, by far, was of course the musical performance by one Demifriah Lovatorino. Yes, Demi Lovato (for short) came out and song-blasted the audience, bellowing at them about god only knows what, and it was one of those funny moments where you're not sure who is more desperate just then, the contestants or the Professional performing in front of them. Remember a year or two ago, that is to say a season or two ago, when that fool Jason Derulo was brought out on stage because he was some pet project of Nigel Lythgoe's or Simon Fuller's or whoever pulls these hideous cat strings at 19 Entertainment? And the intro was all big and grand like "Jason Derulooooooo" but it was complete nonsense because no one had ever heard of him? Do you remember this? (They did it for some mortifying white guy once too but I can't remember his name. Would someone please, please remind of that guy's name?) Well, whatever, it happend and it was terrible and I'm sure that he must have felt more nervous than the contestants. Because who the f-ck was Jason Derulo? He was lower than Bowersox at that point. (I think it was the Bowersox season. Imagine that, Jason Derulo and Crystal Bowerstinx sharing the same stage. What a world we live in!) Anyway, that's kiiind of what I was thinking about with Demi over there. Like, who the f-ck is Demi Lovato other than someone who beats people up on private airplanes? That's all she is! So she was trying to strut with authority last night and it was kinda like "Wait... what?" Shouldn't she just, like, be a contestant on this show at this point? Demi Lovato. Don't come at me with Demi Lovato. Colton freaking Dixon is more famous than Demi Lovato. For heaven's sake. Oh well. She sounded ridiculous and was wearing some sort of matted elephant skin outfit and the whole thing was just really an auto wreck. It just crunched and creaked and groaned and we all had to consult our insurance. Demi Lovato. I don't even know what that means.

Haha, then Daughtry, that bald fool, came out and sang one of his sad "I'm a serious gy I swear even though I placed fourth on American Idol and have been milking it with wild desperation ever since" songs, which are all so lame and ridiculous that we should all feel baldy for him. Everyone, let's just take a moment to pity "Daughtry" (his name is Chris Daughtry, "Daughtry" is just his last name, that he uses as his single name, because this guy is a nincompoop), just a minute, because he needs it. ______________ OK. We done? Good. What a jackanape this Daughtry guy is, huh? After he sang his lame Fuel knock-off song, Ryan came up to him and was like "So, hear you're going on tour?" And Daughtry was all like nod-headed and artisty about it, like "Yeah. Yeah. Tour. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah" and Ryan, god bless him, was like "Oooohhhhhhhkayyyy, well, that's great, see ya, Daughtry" and that was it. Just remember. Just remember every time Daughtry acts like a freaking fool, like an arrogant git, just remember this. Watch that video, over and over again. Cherish it, revel in it. That is where this Serious Artist began. Those are the humble, unforgettable beginnings. What a doofus this cat is. What a right turd.

OK, enough of this, on to the elimination. Because Jermaine was sent to Alcatraz last night, they will be instituting a judges' save to balance out the numbers. Between now and the top five the judges will save one person, so one week no one will go home and everything will make sense again. Sounds pretty fair, right? Who doesn't love a judges' save? Oh, right, no one loves a judges' save because it just prolongs the inevitable for some fool contestant. Remember... Haha, I was going to try and reference a past judges' save contestant but I couldn't actually remember any of their names, which, like, IS THE WHOLE POINT. Largely, if America doesn't want 'em, they're not worth wanting. I never put that much faith in the American electorate otherwise, but in this case, in this particular bright glittery instance, America kinda has a point. They kinda get it. They're beatin' their meat to Rick Santorum and that is confusing as all heck, but in terms of American Idol, I get it. It's good. You guys got this one, America. So no, no to the judges' save. They should have just, I don't know, brought back Johnny Keyser to make up the new top 12. Or like Tamyra Gray. Just bring back Tamyra Gray. Where's she at these days? Nowhere, that's where.

So that's the setup and here's who went home. Ryan toyed with a few people, as he will continue to do, with increasing complexity, all season, and that's always kind of fun. He really laid it on thick with ancient demon Colton Dixon, who obvs magovs didn't actually think he was in the bottom three ("I'm never a bottom in front of this many people") but did a good job of pretending. After Ryan's hilarious jape was revealed to be a mummer's farce, he clapped Colton on the shoulder and gave him a shake and you could almost see the electrical current running between them, just the white hot connection of their touch. It was quite something. Ryan piddled his pants a little bit and then sent Colton floating back to the Stools of Salvation. (He glides about a centimeter above the stage, he does not walk.)

The bottom three were just a rogues gallery of dirty blonde girls that America does not like: Erika van Peebles, Elsie Totino's Pizza Rolls, and horrible horrible Shannon Migraine. Hahahahhahahaha. Oh god. Are you gonna do it like this, America? Are you just gonna get rid of the girls one by one, you cruel boy-crazy monsters? Jesus, should the show even bother having women on it anymore? Ridiculous. Oh well, whatever. Ryan quickly sent Elize back to the Seats of Satisfaction, which left Erika and Shannon shakin' in their shitters for a while. And then Ryan lowered the ax. Going home that night, unless the judges saved her, would be gangle princess Shannon Migraine. Oh thank god. I really think I personally willed that into existence. Good riddance, you terrible monster. Goodbye.

Oops, retroactive spoiler alert. Shannon bleated out "One Sweet Day" once again, terribly of course, and the judges dutifully listened but then very quickly were like "Oh nope, haha, oh god nope, not gonna happen, no save tonight, Ryan m'boy." Ryan nodded his head, pulled out his pistol, and quickly put Shannon down. As she was dragged off stage the rest of the contestants clapped robotically, terrified of what might happen to them when they were eliminated. And that was the show. That was the end of it. Everyone filed out and the kids were herded back into the van and taken back to the airport Comfort Inn where they're all sharing one room and that was that. Well, actually, they were down a man. Yup, they were missing one person. As the kids shuffled down the hall backstage Ryan opened his office door, reached out and grabbed Colton's arm, and pulled him in, shutting the door behind him and then... Well who knows what happened, the door was shut. All we know is that we heard one zipper unzipping, one muffled kind of choking sound, and one "Oh my god..." That's all we know. That and that, in the morning, the old Idol janitor Sven found Colton calmly wandering the hallways, nude as the day he was born, whistling a tune, and licking a drop of something dark and red from his long, mysterious fingers.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.