Ah, our first elimination episode here in the finals, and it was a satisfying one. It wasn't terribly surprising, perhaps, but it still needed to happen. Well done, Idol jerks. But before we get to all that! There's a whole episode to be discussed.
The best thing about results shows is, of course, the group number. Ohhhh those stumbly, bumbly, horrid things! Oh that honking and yelping and squelching and squalor. What a mess the group numbers are, what wonderful glorious messes. Last night's first-ever group number (well, wait, did they do one last week? I was away — they might have done one, who knows) came in at about mid-mess, with tons of wonky vocals paired with minimal choreography. The song was Stevie Wonder's "As," a big soupy ballad-type song with lots of levels and nooks and crannies and stuff. All this diversity meant that the kids all just caterwauled off in different directions, Shannon Migraine horking up a few notes over in one corner, Heejun Han birthing a few awkward runs in another, Colton Dixon pulsating with dark music at the front of the stage. It was a scattered circus, 13 different concerts all happening at the same time, all the girls stricken with looks of muffled terror as they wobbled around on precarious heels, all the guys trying to swallow the stupidness they felt, the band clanging away, the crowd whooping and swooning, somewhere the bright young jack-o-lantern grin of Ryan Seacrest boring a hole in the dark. Oh man who doesn't love a group number? What human folly! What jumbles of error we all are! Terrific, just terrific. Funk on, kids. Funk on forever.
Speaking of the complete opposite of funk, the return Idol guest star last night was none other than mayonaise and potatah chips' favorite daughter, Lauren Alaina. Haha, yeah, her. Just her. Just that cheap souvenir. What a snooze that girl is, huh? Sure she's got pipes, but man if all that she uses 'em for isn't just mushed up graham cracker songs that no one wants to listen to. Last night she sang a tune called "Georgia Peaches" which I'm pretty sure was written by committee at the American Peach Council's semi-annual meeting. "We need something that gets Americans talking about peaches again." "I've got it! Lauren Alaina." "You're fired." It was a dopey song that was performed dopily by Ms. Alaina, someone with exactly zero stage presence — all she does is schlump around the stage and occasionally shimmy her hips awkwardly. Not good. The most exciting thing that happened during her performance was that she sat down on the couch with the current Idol kids and tried to make flirty with Phil Phillips (back off, bitch) and some other dude and when she stood up something had happened with her mic pack or something because she had to turn around to fiddle with something and then the camera cut away and when it was back Lauren was shuffling across stage with mic detritus hanging out the back of her damn dress. Ooops. Oh well. When she was done, she didn't even get the post-song intuhview with Ryan. They just ushered her off stage and back into the van and it was off to the next shopping mall parking lot, where she'll set up her little stage and throw music at all the shoppers. Just the little life of Lauren Alaina.