Last night’s episode of American Canon Cannon attempted to showcase the works of one of the 20th century’s most prolific troubadours, Gwyneth Paltrow’s best friend William Joel. Yes it was Billy Joel night at the song factory, which promised lots of karaoke-level croonin’.
It must be mentioned first that, for some reason, the mentor for this Billy Joel week was none other than Puff P. Diddles himself, Piff Duddy. Yes! Sean Combs. J.Lo’s former main squeeze was chosen to mentor the kids about Billy Joel. Which, obviously. I mean, I know that when I, and I’m sure this is also the case for most of you, am in need of some real Billy Joel expertise, when I’ve got a burning, nagging question about the meaning behind “Uptown Girl” or am trying to figure out how to really nail the chorus of “And So It Goes,” that Puffrum Diddium is absolutely the first person I go to. He’s just inextricably linked to the work of Billy Joel, so it absolutely makes sense that he was the mentor for this challenge. In a show that absolutely always makes 100% sense, this decision made 110% sense.
Also really stepping up in the sense-making department was Tommy Hilfiger coming on board to mentor the kids in fashion. This was a fun idea for a segment, I guess, because it potentially meant one glorious thing: MAKEOVERZZZZ!!!!! So that was exciting for about three seconds, but then we glumly and sadly realized that, oh, oops, the only one who was really going to do anything drastic with her look was Erika von Pelt, who cut her hair and dyed it black and everything, which was exciting, but it was just Erika von Pelt. Nobody else did anything, really. Sweet holy Easter weren’t you hoping, nay praying, that Colton would cut his hair? Oh god wouldn’t that have been truly amazerating? Hilfiger said that he was worried that it was a distraction, which duh Professor Fashion absolutely it is, but Colton, oh so increasingly vain Colton, proud horse-maned Colton, refused to get rid of his hideous hair-pelt. Sigh. And no one else really did anything of note either. Hollie said she wanted to look younger but still sparkly so they put her in some bejeweled sailor’s outfit from an old gay cruise cabaret production of South Pacific. Phil Phillips wanted to wear more gray T-shirts so they put him in a gray T-shirt. Elise Totino’s told Tommy that she liked to wear tight-fitting clothes and he suggested high-waist bellbottoms, so naturally she ended up going with a big flowing maroon dress that looked like it was from the Greek Goddesses collection at Fashion Bug. So the whole segment was rendered utterly stupid and I’ll bet you that Erika is like “Wait, so I didn’t have to get my hair redone? Awww f*ck, why does nobody tell me these things??” Poor Erika.