American Reunion (4/6)
What It Is: Oh, you know. Stiffler, Biggsy, Whoosie, Whatsit and the rest of the gang are all back together. They're all just humping pies for two hours and then Tara Reid shows up and falls down the stairs. Or, who knows, they're having a high school reunion or something and everyone's all "What a long, strange trip it's been" and we all feel old. The original oddly sentimental teen sex comedy came out in 1999. That was like 13 years ago! That's pretty horrifying. So this is a horror movie. A terrible, terrible horror movie.
Should You See It: Here's the problem. People old enough to have seen the original American Pie in the theaters probably won't want to see this one because, again, it will make them feel old (plus, who cares about any of these characters anymore?). And anyone younger, anyone who is the age now that us oldsters were back when the original came out, won't understand who the hell any of these people are so why would they see it? This movie exists for no one and thus almost doesn't exist at all. So how can you go see a movie that doesn't even exist?
The Cabin in the Woods (4/13)
What It Is: Beloved Buffy boy Joss Whedon co-wrote and produced this long-delayed horror movie, about a group of kids (among them Thor himself, Chris Hemsworth) who go to a, duhhh, cabin in the woods that turns out to be way more than just a cabin in the woods. There's evidently a whole reality TV conceit at work here too, which could be either fun or annoying. Buffy and Lost writer Drew Goddard co-wrote and directed this thing, so the pedigree is definitely there. But might its long delay mean bad things?
Should You See It: Well... take a look at the trailer. This clearly isn't exactly standard haunted cabin/creepy townspeople stuff. There's, like, technology. We personally don't find anything remotely scary about force-fields and underground control bunkers, but maybe you do! But really this looks like a renter. Or maybe even a wait-'til-HBOer. We love to support Joss Whedon and his frequent players (here they're Fran Kranz and Amy Acker), but this looks like it could be a $12 disappointment. But, hey, it's also rainy April and it's a pretty quiet movie month, so maybe why the hell not. Plus, again, Thor. Sweet, sweet hammergod Thor.
The Lucky One (4/20)
What It Is: Creepy schlock monger Nicholas Sparks brings us this story of an Iraq War veteran (this is not to be confused with the other Iraq War veteran drama The Lucky Ones, plural) who goes to find the girl whose photo he carried during the war to keep him inspired. So he basically wants to find the gal he looked at while he... cleaned his rifle. Zac Efron plays this hairy-palmed sumbitch, while Dagny Taggert herself, Taylor Schilling, plays the lady. Blythe Danner is also in this goo-fest, laying on some thick old lady wisdom. Anyway, the soldier finds the girl, she notices that he has big soldier muscles and sweats a lot, they go on a date on a beach, but of course there's a jealous ex, and obviously he can't find the words to tell her about the photo (because ew, who wants to know that) and it's all very Sparksian.