11:30 UPSEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! Meryl Streep wins Actress in a Leading Role for The Iron Lady. Audience leaps to their feet. First win since 1983 for Sophie's Choice. Sorry, Viola. Not this time.
11:27 Rooney Mara delivers a lot of bangs for the buck.
11:24 We are down to the last two. Unfortunately, Colin Firth is about to stretch this out with a protracted tongue-bath for each of the Actress in a Leading Role nominees.
11:20 All of France erupts in silent celebration, as Jean Dujardin wins Actor in a Leading Role for The Artist.
11:18 Natalie Portman is really conflicted about who she thinks should win Actor in a Leading Role. So many opinions!
11:08 Esperanza Spalding sings "What a Wonderful World" in a haunting, heavenly In Memoriam segment.
10:57 Michel Hazanavicius takes Directing for The Artist. The other newcomers in the category, Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen and Terrence Malick, will have to just be happy to be nominated.
10:46 Short Film (Documentary) goes to Daniel Junge and Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy for Saving Face. Short Film (Animated) to William Joyce and Brandon Oldenburg for The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore.
10:43 SCORSESE! (You must now drink.)
10:39 Bridesmaids penis-size humor for the ... not quite win ... but maybe a step in the right direction? Short Film (Live Action) goes to father and daughter duo of Terry George and Oorlagh George for The Shore.
10:31 Writing (Original Screenplay) is awarded to Woody Allen for Midnight in Paris. Woody couldn't make it, but we have him by satellite right here.
10:27 Angelina Jolie shows a little leg for the Writing (Adapted Screenplay) category, and is promptly mocked by Community's Dean Pelton, who clearly wants to be her. (Actually that's Jim Rash, who wrote The Descendants with director Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon.)
10:19 More dueling superstar hotties in white: this time, Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis, both accomplished cymbaliers in their own right. (No nip slips ... yet.) Bret McKenzie of Flight of the Concords wins Best Original Song for "Man or Muppet" from The Muppets.
10:16 Original Score goes to Ludovic Bource for The Artist, delivers his acceptance speech, then produces a sheet of paper containing a second acceptance speech about how much love he has to give. (It's a lot.) Either I'm officially drunk, or he's French, or both.
10:04 Actor in a Supporting Role is awarded to Christopher Plummer for his amazing work in Beginners. Oscars justice is served.
9:58 Emma Stone wins the 2nd Annual Anne Hathaway Shameless Ham Award. Then she and Ben Stiller give Best Visual Effects to Rob Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossmann and Alex Henning for Hugo.
9:50 Chris Rock reveals the absurdity of voiceover paydays in front of a nervous everybody, then awards Animated Feature Film to Gore Verbinski for Rango. (Which is actually a great, really weird movie that I highly recommend.)