Predicting Billy Crystal's Oscars Jokes

Oscar telecast producers Brian Grazer and Don Mischer have been pretty hush-hush about their plans for the ceremony (12 days, everyone!). But, with Billy Crystal on board as host, there is at least one thing we're guaranteed: Billy Crystal jokes.

As noted in The New York Times today, Oscar telecast producers Brian Grazer and Don Mischer have been pretty hush-hush about their plans for next week's ceremony (12 days, everyone!). But, with Billy Crystal on board as host, there is at least one thing we're guaranteed: Billy Crystal jokes.

Not jokes about Billy Crystal (though there will be those too), but those Billy Crystal Hosts The Oscars-type jokes that feel very specific to his hosting style. According to the Times article, Crystal was "busy over the weekend filming bits," which means we'll probably get the usual top-of-the-show montage of Crystal wandering in and out every big movie of the year. So, along those lines, what kind of jokes can we expect? Let's predict.

• Uggie as War Horse: Though The Artist's famous puppy-dog Uggie is retiring because of illness, rumor has it he'll make one last professional bow at the Oscars. So what will his part be? We're guessing there will be some sort of War Horse joke. You know, like "War Dog" or something? Or maybe if they wanted to be a little so last year about it, they could joke about the feud with the Beginners dog by doing a Black Swan parody. "Black Dog." (If only that didn't bring up sad Patrick Swayze memories.)
• It seems inevitable that Billy Crystal will dress up like Margaret Thatcher. After all, what funnyman can resist dressing up like an old British lady?
• Extremely Loud and Incredibly Glenn Close. Twitter was there months ago, but the Oscars, especially a Billy Crystal Oscars, rarely seem fussed with being too au courant.
• The two big Lady Movies this year were Bridesmaids and The Help, so we should expect to see some kinda zany riffing on those things. Probably involving a toilet, as toilets featured prominently in both (well, really, a sink in Bridesmaids) and who doesn't like toilet humor?
• Billy Crystal as Edward in Twilight maybe? Sorta been done before, but repetition has never stopped him in the past.
• Oh, there's a lot French stuff this year. From Hugo to Midnight in Paris to almost everyone involved in The Artist—sucks to be you, James Cromwell and John Goodman. (Not really! Luv u guys.) And Billy Crystal, like so many of his comedy generation, simply loves a joke about the French. So what do we think? Some kind of mash-up of Billy Crystal using Midnight in Paris-style time travel to go to Hugo? All in black and white, just like in The Artist, hyuk hyuk? No, probably it'll be a bit more complex, perhaps involving War Dog rescuing the French, because they always need rescuing, get it? We dunno. Something French. It's gonna happen.
• Oh! Back to Uggie, Rise of the Planet of the Apes was a surprise hit this year, so maybe we'll see something with that. Rise of the Planet of the Jack Russells. It could happen.
• Because it was a big Hollywood hit this year, good for lots of industry types who fear the death of franchises perhaps more than the death of actual humans, the video montage could very likely begin (or end) with the Mission: Impossible theme music. It's familiar, everyone loves it, and it's nice and fast and propulsive, so Crystal could run through a bunch of movies at once, from all the superhero stuff to Pirates of the Caribbean to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
• That makes us think: The Girl with the Uggie Tattoo.

Those are our guesses! If we're right, we expect to be rewarded with a producing gig for next year. Clear your calendar, Kristen Bell. You and a sloth are hosting.