Let's just start with the Ryan Seacrest doughnut. After, what, twenty-five years? How long has this show been on? After thirty-two years of this show, we've finally gotten a Ryan Seacrest-themed baked good, or I guess fried good, and it is a doughnut and it looks like this (via AW friend Annie Barrett):
What even is that? How is that a Ryan Seacrest doughnut and not just a Guy in a Suit doughnut? My favorite thing about that is the stubble. What a weird thing to make the effort to do. Like, yes, maybe Ryan Seacrest has some stubble once in a while, but is that really what he's known for, enough to put on a doughnut that you made? I don't think "stubble" makes even the top ten list of ways to describe what Ryan Seacrest looks like. Not when you have "blonde" (yes, with the e), "shellacked," "dying Care Bear" and other far more accurate ways to describe what Ryan Seacrest looks like. The stubble on the Ryan Seacrest doughnut is really confusing. It's just such a weird little thing, so strange that that's how someone made their Ryan Seacrest doughnut. "Oh, better put the stubble on, as that's such a reliably Seacresty thing. The stubble." Weirdos all! If you're going to go on national television and say "I made a Ryan Seacrest doughnut, not just a regular man-shaped doughnut," then you need to make the doughnut look at least a little like Ryan Seacrest. Where was the sharp, brittle hair? Where was the blue electric flicker of sexual dismay in the eyes? Where is the curdled half grin that could be glee, could be remorse, could be a remembered dream about a murder at a beach house? Those are some pretty basic Seacrest attributes, far more basic, anyway, than stubble. Stubble! On a Ryan Seacrest doughnut-doll? Incorrect. Incorrect forever.