Admit It: You Watch 'The Vampire Diaries'

Let's imagine a scenario in which maybe, just maybe, you watch a certain television program about vampires and their diaries.

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Every morning we address the important topic of something big, significant, funny, weird, etc. that happened while we were lying on the couch in front of the TV last night. Today we speculate about a totally imaginary person who watches a particular show.

Let's imagine a hypothetical. Let's say you had resisted a certain television program, one about vampires that keep diaries, because why would you watch such a silly show? It's just a cheap knockoff of Buffy with some corny Twilight-style romance thrown in. And it's on The CW (hypothetically!) and they don't tend to make the greatest shows. So really there was no reason to watch this show, even though you were strangely... compelled to. (A Buffy knockoff is better than no Buffy at all?) Let's say you held out for a long time.

And then let's imagine that, well, sometime at the end of last spring you, y'know, were bored one Thursday night and everything else was repeats and so your cable guide search led you to CW 11 (hypothetically you live in New York) and lo and behold, this show about vampires and their diaries was on, and so, what the heck, no one's looking, you gave it a watch. And let's say maybe then you watched a couple more episodes and were starting to feel a little sucked (vampires!) in but then, phew, the season was over and you didn't have to worry about this shameful thing going any further.

But of course the seasons they go round and round and all of a sudden it's the autumn once more and you've seen promos for this show and know it's returning and you feel that odd, dark pull in your bones once more as Thursday night approaches, but you resist! Oh you are so grownup and mature! You're not watching Frontline instead or anything, but you're at least not bothering with those silly vampires and their dumb old diaries. You are proud of your resolve, you have done good. Life is mostly a series of little victories and small defeats, and this here is the former. A win for you. Resistance!

Well, for a time. Because after a week or two you find yourself, again this is all just an exercise in broad speculation, reading various recaps of this show for some reason while you are bored at work. Some recaps in particular make you laugh and, let's be honest at this point, make you want to watch the show and you are only a human man (in theory!) so what can you do. Plus you have a friend who's a loyal watcher of the show who will not judge you -- in fact she might even be surprised and glad -- when you are at her house and oh-so-casually suggest that you two watch an episode or two (you've missed a few, remember) of this show about bloodsuckers and their feelings journals.

And then let's fast forward in this little thought experiment to last night, and let's say you maybe were thrilled with all the Elena/Katherine (these names are just random, they don't mean anything) switcheroos, and maybe even felt a little heartache when the villain cried, and perhaps you were disappointed, actually viscerally disappointed, that a certain character, let's say the heroine's brother, was not in the episode because he's, y'know, a little dreamy. Let's just say that you watched this particular program last night and felt the kind of sad but cozy resignation that, yes, you are now one of the people that watch this show and you will watch the rest of the season and perhaps even seasons past that and oh what a fool you were to not watch from the beginning but maybe you'll go back and view the old episodes someday because while it's certainly not Buffy, hell it's not even Supernatural (a show you also, in theory, have started to watch and find winningly entertaining), it certainly does have some merit to it as a cheesy supernatural soap and what's wrong with liking that, you're a human adult who can make these decisions for himself and so what. This is America, after all. (Hypothetically.)

Let's say all that were true. Would you then, the next morning, write a post about that for the website you work for? Just might you? Well, since this is all mere speculation, I guess we'll never know.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.