The Kind of Women Who Aren't Funny

... is pretty much every woman, according to recent discussions of women and comedy

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Funny hot ladies are on the rise, which is bad news for all the heinous female comedians. Fox News's Holly McKay has a report on the latest trend in female comediennes in her article for real titled "New Crop of Comediennes Combine Funny Bones With Banging Bodies." "The latest crop of successful funny gals, however, are both hilarious and hot," McKay explains. But while "hilarious and hot" is in, ugly is out, celebrity life coach Patrick Wanis informed McKay. "Wanis also says funny women who aren't all that sexy may struggle in the new comedy landscape," writes McKay. Women who "aren't all that sexy" aren't the only ones who should forgo a comedic career--there are plenty of types of women who can't be funny. Let's take a look at all the kinds of women that will never make it in Hollywood.

Frumpy Women

Elaborating on the "aren't all that sexy" data point, Wanis, who's resume includes advising Hulk Hogan, delves deeper into specifics. "For women, frump isn’t funny any longer. The new female comedian has to be the sexual aggressor, sexually provocative, dominant and successful," he tells McKay. Specifically he means ugly, fat women. "Rosie O’Donnell and Janeane Garofalo will be relegated to playing the female versions of Chris Farley. Hollywood doesn’t want a woman that is not sexually enticing like Rosie; it wants the sexual alpha female," he said.

Pretty Women

This notion that only hotties can get laughs is actually fairly new. Back in 2009, Michaela Watkins didn't make it on Saturday Night Live because she was too good looking, explained The Washington Posts's Tom Shales. "Watkins may have been just too classically pretty to be hilarious." Alex Leo, writing for the Huffington Post, was forced to agree: "As a woman in comedy, I understood his point: Being "classically pretty" works against you. I mulled this idea as I wiped ice cream from my mole hair, "This must be why Marilyn Monroe was so terrible in Some Like It Hot."

Old Women

When a funny woman reaches a certain age her funny magically turns crazy. Tina Fey explains the phenomenon in her book Bossypants which was excerpted in The New Yorker . "I know older men in comedy who can barely feed and clean themselves, and they still work," writes Fey. "The women, though, they’re all 'crazy.' I have a suspicion—and hear me out, because this is a rough one—that the definition of 'crazy' in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore."

Fat Women

Fat doesn't fly. While some heftier women slip through the cracks, it doesn't usually work like that, explains Salon's Susannah Gorah. "Melissa McCarthy’s recent Emmy win notwithstanding, thinness is almost always a prerequisite for female performers," she writes. "And ladies who shed pounds invariably help their careers — see Valerie Bertinelli’s journey from D-list obscurity to 'Hot in Cleveland' hotness."

So that leaves: Hot, but not too-pretty, thin, women with "banging bodies?"

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.