The No Fun Allowed Royal Wedding

Bad news for drinkers, bathroom users

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Friday's royal wedding will almost certainly be glamorous and overhyped. But will it be any fun? The British Royal Family seems to hope not. They've done their best to keep it regal, sedate, and free of Australian comedians and bodily functions. Among the notable things that won't be enjoyed on Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding day:

Cell phones

Tweeting during the ceremony, a mere faux pas at most weddings, is being treated as a security risk by the royal family. That's why they're installing "signal-blocking" technology at Westminster Abbey that will render the London church a tweet, text, and call free zone--if only for two hours. Television networks, wary of "unfortunate sightings of guests on their phones" and "untimely ringtones" overshadowing the pomp and circumstance, are also enthusiastically backers of the social media blackout.


If any of the 1,900 guests want to get rowdy, they'll have to bring their own supplies. The drink menu at the reception is "strictly champagne." Explained an unnamed palace source to The Daily Mail  "Let's face it, [beer] isn't really an appropriate drink to be serving in the Queen's presence at such an occasion...It was always [William and Kate's] intention to their guests a sophisticated experience and they have chosen the food and drink with this in mind." (This makes very little sense--people have played Wii in front of Queen Elizabeth. Wii! As for providing guests with a 'sophisticated experience'--They're at the royal wedding.)


Guests will arrive Westminster Abbey two hours before the ceremony, at which point they not be able to go to the bathroom. This isn't a security precaution like the cell phone blocking--there just aren't any bathrooms in the 500 year-old church.

"Comic Commentary"

Who doesn't love a good Mystery Science Theater 3000-style riff? The British Royal Family and their TV partners, apparently. The Australian Broadcasting Corp. has had to scrap its planned telecast of the ceremony with live commentary from an Australian comedian troupe after the BBC and AP--the two suppliers of the wedding footage--updated their terms of use to prohibit the video from being used for "any drama, comedy, satirical or similar entertainment program or content." This rule apparently doesn't apply to comedians in drag--Dame Edna will still be allowed to provide "light-hearted" coverage of the proceedings on Australia's Nine Network.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.