What Barack Should Learn From Karl Rove, Lady Gaga

To those involved, Barack Obama's 2008 presidential campaign seemed like a transformative moment; the candidate was able to harness people's energy in a way many young Democrats had never seen before. Now, the enthusiasm of the Obama base is noticeably dimmer. What happened? Evert Cilliers at 3 Quarks Daily offers an answer--though at times it reads less like an analysis of political trends and more like a transcript of The Aristocrats. To wit:

BARACK'S FALL FROM GRACE  "My name is Obama. But call me Icarus. I soared on the wings of an angel. I was the biggest star the planet had ever seen, without having to go near a guitar. I was dancing on the moon, when suddenly, the moon gathered its bowels and dropped me like a turd back on earth. Plop!"

WHAT HE DID WRONG, WITH A SWITCH TO SECOND PERSON  "Between you and your fans there was a much stronger bond than a mere party-political bond. A mystical, sacred bond. But you went all secular on them and pulled out. You acted as though your base never existed. You committed the greatest act of political coitus interruptus since JFK got himself shot."

ON TRANSCENDING PARTY POLITICS  "Your fans didn't vote for the Democratic Party, pal. Independents didn't vote for the Democratic Party, sonny. They voted for you, asshole. That coalition of youths Hispanics labor-union African-American progressives: the stars in their eyes blinked Obama-Obama-Obama."

HOW OBAMA SHOULD HAVE APPEASED THE BASE  "Just a few pointless promises and a few empty gestures"

YOU KNOW WHO WAS GOOD AT THIS?  "Look how Karl Rove milked the Bush base, like twenty piglets sucking a fat sow dry"

AND WHO ELSE?  "You should be studying Lady Gaga. There's a lady who knows the first thing about staying popular ... Lady Gaga wields Facebook and MTV and the media for one purpose only: to stay close to her base. You don't, which is why you're dumb and she isn't ... Lady Gaga knows how to play base politics, Obama, and you don't. She has base instincts like Huey Long, while you have the base instincts of Marie Antoinette."

WHAT CAN THE LEFT DO NOW?  "Make sure you nominate scary outsider people, labor union people, lefties with bigger mouths than Sarah Palin or Christine McDonnell or Sharron Angle."

SAY WHAT?  "Talking crazy gets you world domination on the TV machine and is a big enthusiasm getter. Where are the Sarah Palins and the Michele Bachmanns and the Sharron Angles of the left? That's what progressives need. Their own angry deranged idiots ... Just like the establishment GOP folks fear Rush Limbaugh and the Tea Party, the establishment Democratic Party folks have to fear you."

FINAL THOUGHT THAT SOUNDS LIKE A POSSIBLE EMINEM LYRIC  "So adieu and anon till November 2, sweet petulant Obama and darling prodigal progressives. See you after the cock-up of that buck-up-or-fuck-up."