AUTHOR: Matt Labash of The Daily Caller, specializing in advice-column humor
TOPIC OF THE DAY: Tattoos (554 words, the first 8 of which are: "I am a man. Let's make a baby.")
POSITION: "I don't know when, exactly, the entire world decided they needed to get inked like a bunch of porn stars, but I'm against it."
WHY TATTOOS WERE OKAY BACK WHEN THEY WERE EXCLUSIVE TO FELONS AND FORMER VICTIMS OF CHILD ABUSE: "That is a perfectly acceptable use of a tattoo: as a billboard for your pain or as a reminder of your murderousness."
THE PEOPLE WHO GET TATTOOS NOW: "36-year-old upper-middle class white [women]" with kids named "Jackson and Mackenzie" who play lacrosse.
WHY THEY GET TATTOOS: They're sick of their kids and their fat husband, and think they'll "sexify" their lives by tossing on "a Chinese character that [they] can't even read" which may well say "this nitwit thinks she's Allen Iverson"
WHAT THIS DELUSION OF INDIVIDUALITY IS ANALOGOUS TO: Idiots who buy motorcycles and black leather chaps
A NOTE TO THOSE IDIOTS ON MOTORCYCLES:
You want to be an individual? Hop off your Harley and walk into a real biker bar in a golf shirt and Hagar dress slacks. Then tell the barkeep you want something "citrus-y, with an umbrella in it." I have not yet met the man who has that kind of courage. But when I do, I will not trifle with him. He is dangerous.
BEAUTY ADVICE FOR WOMEN: "God gave you beautiful, luminescent skin, and if He didn't, there's always Susan Lucci's Youthful Essence® Personal Microdermabrasion System."