AUTHOR: Matt Labash of The Daily Caller, specializing in advice-column humor
TOPIC OF THE DAY: Tattoos (554 words, the first 8 of which are: "I am a man. Let's make a baby.")
POSITION: "I don't know when, exactly, the entire world decided they needed to get inked like a bunch of porn stars, but I'm against it."
WHY TATTOOS WERE OKAY BACK WHEN THEY WERE EXCLUSIVE TO FELONS AND FORMER VICTIMS OF CHILD ABUSE: "That is a perfectly acceptable use of a tattoo: as a billboard for your pain or as a reminder of your murderousness."
THE PEOPLE WHO GET TATTOOS NOW: "36-year-old upper-middle class white [women]" with kids named "Jackson and Mackenzie" who play lacrosse.
WHY THEY GET TATTOOS: They're sick of their kids and their fat husband, and think they'll "sexify" their lives by tossing on "a Chinese character that [they] can't even read" which may well say "this nitwit thinks she's Allen Iverson"
WHAT THIS DELUSION OF INDIVIDUALITY IS ANALOGOUS TO: Idiots who buy motorcycles and black leather chaps
A NOTE TO THOSE IDIOTS ON MOTORCYCLES:
You want to be an individual? Hop off your Harley and walk into a real biker bar in a golf shirt and Hagar dress slacks. Then tell the barkeep you want something "citrus-y, with an umbrella in it." I have not yet met the man who has that kind of courage. But when I do, I will not trifle with him. He is dangerous.
BEAUTY ADVICE FOR WOMEN: "God gave you beautiful, luminescent skin, and if He didn't, there's always Susan Lucci's Youthful Essence® Personal Microdermabrasion System."
WHY THE PHRASE 'YOUR BODY IS A TEMPLE' IS BEST TRANSLATED AS 'BACK AWAY FROM THE TATTOO PARLOR':
Do you ever look at an architectural wonder, the Parthenon or the Roman Aqueducts, and think to yourself, "You know what would really enhance those? Graffiti. If the Ink Assassins came through and bombed it with Celtic Knots or a Maori tribal design, then those things would really sing." Of course you don't. It sounds ridiculous.
THE SUMMARY: Women, don't get a tattoo. "It's unbecoming. It's unsexy." You may get a "discreet [one] for your lover" (suggestion: "your cervix"), but otherwise, stick to exfoliating and "don't deface yourself." Think "Parthenon." Otherwise, " I have seen your future, and it looks like this (NSFW)."
NEXT ITEM ON THE AGENDA: Deaf people.
You can color me skeptical about your deafness. I don't really think people are born deaf. I think it's a learned behavior. If it’s not, then why do all "deaf" people talk the same way? Maybe if you stopped flapping your hands around so much, it'd be easier to listen. But if that’s your shtick, do whatever works for you.