AUTHOR: Mark Ames at AlterNet
LENGTH: 2,465 words
SUBJECT: Ray Dalio, head of Bridgewater Associates, and the hedge fund community in general
STARTING POINT: Ray Dalio wrote guidelines for his employees. One of the guidelines: "Be a hyena. Attack the wildebeest."
THE PROBLEM WITH THE HYENA METAPHOR: Hyenas aren't macho the way Dalio thinks they are
NUMBER OF WORDS DEVOTED TO ANATOMICAL PROOF OF SAID POINT, EXAMINING HYENA GENITALIA: 196
NUMBER OF WORDS DEVOTED TO HYENA ANAL GLANDS: 56
NUMBER OF WORDS DEVOTED TO HYENA DIETARY HABITS AND DIGESTION: 158
SENTENCE THAT SUMS UP ALL THESE WORDS: "So to recap: if you want to be like billionaire Ray Dalio, you need to be a submissive vulture-chasing scavenger with no gag reflex whatsoever, willing to swallow anything at all, living with warthogs, scampering away from boner-popping females, and occasionally shitting out plumes of chalk dust."
AMES'S APPROXIMATION OF DALIO'S APPROXIMATION OF DESCARTES: "I [am too rich to] think, therefore I am [a delusional asshole]."
ZOOMING OUT: "We're ruled over by crazies who despise us and think of us as wildebeests and themselves as hyenas, and don't even care that it's a laughable analogy because they're too fucking lazy and stupid and too busy devouring everything they can."
FINAL NOTE, TIE-IN TO TIM GEITHNER AND FINANCIAL REGULATORY REFORM: "The entire goal of Obama's economic team was to get a self-described hyena to take a break from his wildebeest feeding frenzy to give a big thumbs-up in approval and cackle, 'We agree!'"
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.