Fox Is 'Pissing on Green Arrow Signs'

Vanity Fair's silver-tongued literato stands up for his portfolio

AUTHOR: James Wolcott, verbiage-spitting spitfire of Vanity Fair

LENGTH: 740 words

TARGET: Fox News

SPECIFICALLY: "Glenn Beck, Stewart Varney, that twerp on Fox Biz's 'Happy Hour' who keeps crying fascist!, and the jingoistic Capitalist Pig, and the other hobgoblinizers"

OFFENSE: trashing the stock market rally for no good reason

FOX'S MISSION: "pissing on green arrow signs pointing up in the stock ticker because, like Rush Limbaugh, [they]'re rooting for Obama to fail"

OTHER HOBBIES: "pimping gold"

MEMORABLY MIXED METAPHOR: "it takes more than a market rally to pull the wool over [John] Bolton's mustache"

NICKNAMES FOR BOLTON: "that financial oracle, that investment wizard, that translucent orb that burns by night," "Sheriff of Nottingham"

WOLCOTT'S PERSONAL STAKE IN THE MATTER:

Mind you, I'm agnostic on the stock market bounceback. Whether it's a true bull or a bull run within a secular bear is for history to determine. So far it's restored my portfolio nicely after the death spiral of 2008, but I'm not whistling down the street and ignoring the warning signs; I read John P. Hussman every week, and I'm resisting pouring new money into stock funds ... But I also know that if it were a Republican president in the White House and the Dow was hitting such highs the same week of the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, the hosts and panelists at Fox would be waving little American flags celebrating the market boom as a fitting toast for the triumph of Western capitalism over communism and a rebuke to naysayers and doubters with souls so gray and faith so brittle.

TRANSLATION: "Piss" on wordsmith James Wolcott's portfolio at your peril