Caroline Mimbs Nyce

I have to disagree with Emma Green: Always using the Oxford comma isn’t a matter of “principle” or of personal virtue. A person saying so might as well be proudly claiming that they only write in the present tense, or only print documents on A4 paper.

Okay. You dedicated a book to “my parents, God and Stalin”. I've heard this example a hundred times (usually with Ayn Rand in place of Stalin, tho) and it's always cited as proof that you MUST use the Oxford comma.

So I dedicated a book to “my boyfriend, the President, and Yoko Ono". Is Barack Obama my boyfriend? Maybe! Using the Oxford comma has created structural ambiguity instead of reducing it. OH NO WHAT NOW?

If a publication wants to insist on always using the comma or never using it, that is their right (editors gonna edit), but there will always be cases like the two above where mandating one style might trip a reader up for a moment. If the goal is clarity, allowing a free choice would be ever so slightly better.

But picking one side of a stylistic question and rooting for it to trounce the opposing team has costs beyond occasionally boring people at parties. Usage shibboleths ultimately draw their power from—and lend their power back to—our society's tradition of declaring that the right sort of people (rich people? white people? men? kind of depends which cultural battleground you're on and which year it is) are "speaking correctly" and everyone else is ... well, they're just not EDUCATED, not like we are. If only they would learn!

Yeah, I went there. Puffing yourself up about the Oxford comma, even for funsies, implicates you in systems of racist bullshit that you probably didn't wake up this morning hoping to empower. Is it worth it?

Watch Emma answer that question and others live on Facebook.

I also hope they wrap her in the courage to know that even if she encounters a bigger, stronger, perhaps karate-trained villain(s) who wound or outnumber her, she is not at fault. It is never the victim's responsibility to prevent rape or any other assault.

It is also important to teach our children that while there may be a time to fight, it is equally important to learn when to run if able, or when to remain still and quiet to survive to tell your story, even if you wished to die during the fight. Those are all equally noble and wise choices.  

Victims can’t prevent rape. Part of being a victim is being stripped of choices. Victims and their parents are usually only left with choice in how to respond to—and survive— the reality that they are now part of the unfortunate one-in-six statistic. (And as noted by other readers, the perpetrator isn’t always a stranger.)

And if she is successful, still wrap her in comfort; she'll need it because she is a survivor of attempted rape.

The idea that teaching self-defense could somehow shield a woman from sexual assault is a controversial one. And it teeters dangerously close to victim blaming—that is, the implication that it was the victim’s responsibility to prevent the crime (see also: concerns about the victim’s dress or level of alcohol consumption).

In an open letter to the victim in the Stanford case posted by BuzzFeed, Vice President Biden writes, “I join your global chorus of supporters, because we can never say enough to survivors: I believe you. It is not your fault.” He continues:

What you endured is never, never, never, NEVER a woman’s fault. [...]

We will speak to change the culture on our college campuses — a culture that continues to ask the wrong questions: What were you wearing?

Why were you there? What did you say? How much did you drink?

Instead of asking: Why did he think he had license to rape?

Both my boys tell me their friends do not talk to their parents as my boys talk to me. I smile and feel good when I hear this. I have tried to model parenting as you suggest. I talk about integrity and honesty often with my boys. I point out examples of integrity and the lack of integrity in the news. Sadly, integrity is lacking all too often.

I believe our children can handle real, sad, impactful aspects of life most of us face directly or experience via friends along our path. Every time my boys go to a party, even if nearby, I look at them and say, “Be smart.”

I tell my boys I love them often. When our children know they are loved, they are more likely to talk to their parents.

So far, so good …

A few organizations back up his suggestion: “Discussing and listening to teens can build mutual trust,” the Orange County Rape Crisis Center advises parents on talking to teens about sexual violence. The organization offers a list of seven “messages to share with your teens,”broaching everything from dating and sex to consent and sexual assault. Check out their full list here.

Here’s another reader, who also encourages parents to pursue difficult conversations with their teens:

As with so many things, conversations regarding respect for women and girls must be repeated over time. Unfortunately, the news will provide many teachable moments on this subject.

When my son was in middle school, there was a story on the radio about a local woman who was beaten, and I talked to my appalled son about how unacceptable that behavior is. Then, there was the teenage girl who'd been kidnapped for a number of months and was found alive across the street from our home. We discussed the many things that were wrong with that situation as the case went through the courts. It can be difficult to keep these conversations age appropriate, but in general, details aren't necessary.

My son is now 17-year-old gentleman who will enter college a year from now. We have discussed the Stanford case and consent. As he's gotten older, I’ve asked more questions. By his answers, I can tell he really gets it and is fully capable of moral reasoning.

These aren't the easiest conversations, especially the first one, but you can't teach your values without having these conversations.

Another parent of a teenage boy weighs in:

I repeatedly have talks with my 14-year-old son about sex, love and women. I have told him that sex is one of the best parts of life, but that you need to be old enough and ready to bear the responsibilities. I have told him that birth control is his responsibility, no one else’s. I have repeatedly explained that it is the female’s duty to consent. If she doesn’t say yes, she means no. Do not take anything for granted. Be sure that you both want the same things. Try not to get carried away by your emotions and desires. Do not assume anything.

Soon, I will begin to talk to him about alcohol and how it can impair judgment, not that it is in any way an excuse. It, however, bears discussion.

An important note on that reader’s email: It is not always “the female’s duty to consent.” For instance, under California’s new “yes means yes” consent law, that responsibility lies on both participants in the act, regardless of gender. From the Associated Press’s 2015 report on the law:

Under a “yes means yes” standard, sexual activity is considered consensual only when both partners clearly state their willingness to participate through “affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement” at every stage.

Here’s Stop It Now!, a nonprofit aimed at preventing child sexual abuse, with some advice on talking to teens—male or female—about consent:

Teens need information not only about child sexual abuse but also about the laws of consent in their state. As our judicial system holds more teens responsible as adults, there are significant and long-lasting results for teens who engage in illegal sexual behaviors, even with other teens who are close in age. “I know you and your girlfriend love each other but you are 19 years old and she is 15 and that makes being sexual with each other illegal. If she gets pregnant or her parents press charges, you could have to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life. It is important for both of you to wait until you are older.”

The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services offers a state-by-state breakdown of “age of consent laws.”

Have advice of your own? Let us know.

Understanding consent at a young age is formative for all kinds of adult relationships: For example, if a friend wants to quit a game because he's losing or is being a poor sport that's fine, but you tell him that you don't like the way he quit and next time you won't play that game with him again.

These are basic yet very important social skills that are the building blocks of developing empathy and self-worth. This is teaching children to have boundaries and stand up for themselves and others. In the pre-teen and teen years it's important to explicitly explain how this pertains to sex, yet the main idea remains the same.

Here’s another parent of young daughter:

We have a 4-year-old and have taught her the following (applicable to any sort of situation): “Just because you ask nicely doesn't mean the person has to say yes, and just because someone asks you nicely doesn't mean you have to say yes.”

Right now, that mainly covers sharing toys, having cookies and screen time, and not going to bed, but our hope is that, by the time she is old enough for sexual consent to be an issue, she will have internalized that she doesn't have to feel pressured by polite-but-entitled boys (or girls).

In an interview with my colleague Adrienne LaFrance, Scott Berkowitz—the founder and president of RAINN—offered the following advice: “When speaking to a national audience or the general public, we strongly encourage parents to have those conversations starting at the age when their kids are starting to spend more time with friends out of the home, and start to be in social situations that could turn dangerous... even if it’s before the parents think [it’s appropriate for their child to be sexually active].” (Adrienne spoke with Berkowitz for her piece on what happens when people stop talking about the Stanford rape case.) RAINN’s guide on talking to kids about sexual assault recommends that parents “teach young children the language they need to talk about their bodies and information about boundaries to help them understand what is allowed and what is inappropriate.”

Another good resource is The Huffington Post's "list of parenting action items" for talking about consent, including kids under 5. Have other recommendations of resources for teaching consent specifically? Let us know.

Crystal Holsinger, the mother of two daughters under age 4, says she started teaching consent to her girls “from the day they were born”:  

While I do think it is important to address sexual assault and rape at a certain point with children and young adults, I believe that teaching consent starts at birth. An example would be when a person asks me to hold our baby. It may seem silly, but I say, “Ask her.” If they do, and she reaches out for them, great. If they try to and she is upset, then she stays with me. A person’s body is theirs, at one day old or 50 years old.

Another example is with our 3-year-old. We never force physical affection. If she doesn't want to hug her grandparents, uncle, or whomever, then we respect that. We also teach (demonstrate) for her that if another person doesn't want to hug, hold hands, or high five, then it's their choice. Their body, their choice.

We have had friends who try to force our child to hug theirs (often a boy) because they think it's cute. We have to reaffirm that no one ever should feel pressured into that.

Before our girls were born, I taught middle-school sexual health education and wove consent into the discussion every day. What does consent look like, sound like, feel like? I took a more direct approach with the 7th and 8th grade years, and went into how drinking and drugs come into play.

Have you talked to your preteen about consent? Have thoughts about how consent should be taught in schools? Drop us a note.

Their interactions with other children, adults, and authority figures provided lots of opportunities to discuss power and control, bullies, and consent. Having this type of dialogue with them when they were very young kept the discussion open for them to discuss relationships, things they saw on television, heard or saw their friends do, or even things they said or did. My husband and I taught them empathy and the value of others. 

Their lives offered many teachable moments to talk about sex, love, assault, rape. And we taught them how to de-escalate situations, as well as the importance of intervention if a situation wasn’t safe or someone was in danger of hurting themselves or others.

When my son was a sophomore in college, it became important to share my own experience with him after someone he knew at his college was accused of raping another student. He was trying to process who he believed, and—despite all our teaching—I heard him practically recite every rape myth about drinking: The guy was a good guy, well liked, the girl messed up the guy's life, it was consensual … and the belief that he needed to judge the truth.

It became important for me to share my own story with my daughter before she went to college last year because, quite frankly, I was a mess and needed to explain what appeared to be very irrational behavior. However, my daughter had already read on my blog that I had been raped, so it went much smoother than my discussion with my son. 

I believe we have made it clear to them that, while we would support them no matter what they have done, they will be encouraged to tell the truth. We won’t lie for them. They should expect consequences for their behavior and understand the importance of apologizing to the satisfaction of the harmed. They should seek forgiveness but can’t force forgiveness.