When I lost her for real, for good, it came to me through technology. I was at the cardiologist asking neurotic questions about a heart condition I’d recently been diagnosed with—I would give my college commencement speech in a few months, and I wanted to make sure my heart wouldn’t betray me while I was onstage. My phone vibrated as the doctor talked about magnesium. I glanced at my lap, lifting the flap of my purse, and checked my text messages with superhuman subtlety—a skill I’d learned in school.
I opened a message from an unknown number.
“Lea died,” it said.
I stayed until the appointment was over, nodding when it seemed appropriate to nod and methodically moving down my list of questions. I didn’t burst into tears. I didn’t run sobbing from the room. But with that text, my world split in two. In the first world, the real world, a doctor was talking, I was a busy New Yorker paying a crapload for an appointment I’d missed work to attend, and there was no place for what had just been communicated to me, quite literally by a tangle of wires and signals whose mechanisms I couldn’t fathom but that somehow extended all the way into my deepest past, all the way to the second world, where the things I loved most were stored. When my appointment was over, I think I said, “thank you.” I don’t remember leaving. The next thing I remember is wandering through midtown, crying so hard I couldn’t see, as Mari, the friend behind the text, explained that Lea was dead, that the funeral was days away, that I needed to come home.
I know my obsession with Lea is partly selfish. Her story is like a hologram. Tilt it, let the light hit it from a different angle, and the dead girl we’re talking about is me. We’d both gotten cited by police at 14 for drinking beer on the beach. At the height of our friendship I matched her drink for drink, inhale for inhale. If I'd had a little less luck, or she'd had a little more—how would this story go? In my memory, yes, I’m the sidekick, yes, she was the one always egging us to take one more step into the shadows, where we could really get hurt. But wasn’t I holding her hand, encouraging her with my willingness to follow? One night, while we laid outside in the field, a little tipsy, she grabbed my arm and made me promise her I’d never let her turn out like a druggie girl who lived in the rundown apartment complex behind my house. I promise, I told her. I promise.
Over the years, I’ve occasionally searched for that druggie girl on Facebook. Today she appears to have two daughters and a job and a partner and lots of friends; she just attended her 10-year high school reunion.
The Internet has complicated the question of where to store my loss. How can I move on, if Lea’s face is always lurking in my phone, asking me, begging me to get to the bottom of how my gorgeous, ballsy friend died of liver failure at 22 years old? With every Facebook upgrade it seems like the platform makes it easier for me to become an archeologist of Lea’s past. I’m dogged by our messages, sure, but now I can also investigate her profile using the timeline function in the upper righthand corner of the screen, so that if I want to visit healthy—or healthier—Lea, circa-2006, I can leap to that portion of her wall in an instant. And every time I do, I’m reminded of promises I didn’t keep.
In some ways, it’s worse that Facebook is almost all I have of her. I can’t reconcile my memories with the fragments she left online, but those fragments are the only thing, concretely, that remains. I never joined the flood of people remembering her on her wall. I didn’t scan and upload any pictures of the two of us. You won’t find me, or any traces of our friendship, except in a few group photos taken before high-school dances. In the months after her death, I was comforted by her profile, and by the people sharing stories there—I refrained from posting not because I thought the forum was cheap, but because I didn’t know what to say. My grief felt private, personal, like something only Lea would understand. A few times in the last couple of years I’ve come close to posting. The impulse is always followed by anger—anger at Lea’s Facebook for posing as her living self, for tricking me, momentarily, into believing that if I post I will somehow reach her.
In July 2009, Lea changed her Facebook profile picture for the last time. It's a selfie, though she wouldn’t have known to call it that, taken with a flip-phone in a room with smokey lighting. She’s not smiling. She is beautiful. Her nose is pierced; she’d done it after all. Her piece-y blonde bangs look arranged—a good sign, I remember thinking when the photo first showed up in my newsfeed, a sign she still cares about something—her skin Michigan-summer tan. A star of light is trapped in each of her blue eyes, a reflection from the camera-flash. Her expression is distant and sad. With the hand that doesn’t hold the camera she gives a little wave, only three of her fingers visible inside the frame. For as long as Facebook exists, Lea will be there, saying goodbye. And as long as she’s there, I’ll be watching her go.