Alison Agosti and Taylor Orci are friends. Recently, they re-watched The Lion King together (but separately in their own houses) to argue for why Nala should be considered a Disney princess.
Alison: Oh, hello@
Taylor: Hello! I was just re-reading the Lion King plot to refresh. It's dark!
Alison: Evil uncle committing murder to steal the throne? It's Hamlet!
Taylor: Thinking you killed someone and fleeing to a faraway land? It's Moses!
Alison: Okay, I'm pushin' play.
Taylor: This is totally happening.
The iconic scene of Simba being presented to the animal kingdom on Pride Rock.
Alison: Okay, so the very first scene of the film is a king introducing the future king to his subjects. It's establishing that this is a world where a lion monarchy rules the land.
Alison: Oh god, there's baby Simba. He's so cute.
Taylor: Here's where I think, "A well-managed monarchy doesn't sound so bad."
Alison: Do you think they sent out an Evite? With a note attached that read, "Hey nobody eat anyone"?
Taylor: Maybe it's like a homing device in wild animals? When a new heir to the monarchy is born?
Simba has his first interaction with his evil uncle, Scar.
Alison: Simba is being kind of a dick. No need to remind your uncle that you took his place in line for the throne, dude.
Taylor: Scar has good reason to be upset.
Alison: Interesting that their parents would name one Mufasa and the other Scar. Really asking for him to be evil.
Taylor: If I knew Jonathan Taylor Thomas was gonna be king before me I'd want hyenas to eat him too.
Hey! After Scar talks him into going to the elephant graveyard, Simba doesn't go on his own. Big plot point here: He first goes to Nala and asks her go with him. On the way there, Zazu from says they're betrothed, so she's a princess from the start.
Alison: Also, considering that Mufasa was the only adult male around when both Simba and Nala were born, they are probably related. Either way, princess status.
Taylor: Here's our first song. I think it's important that together they sing, "I Just Can't Wait to be King"
Alison: Sure, she intends to rule. It's her destiny as much as Simba's. Oh! Now here are the hyenas, the first time Simba is threatened and he just jumped behind Nala like a real coward.
Taylor: Simba has not won me over.
Alison: He's being a real dingus, no question.
Taylor: Just to be clear, they are running for their lives over piles of bones. Kids' movie.
Alison: It's fine if it's animals!
Mufasa saves Simba and Nala from the hyenas.
Taylor: Nala is sticking up for him and they hang their heads in shame together.
Alison: She's standin' by her man.
Taylor: She's the Ruth Madoff to his Bernie.
Taylor: Can we just point out Mufasa's hair is fab-u-lous. We've learned good hair is essential to lion rule.
Mufasa is trampled to death by wildebeests. Scar convinces Simba it's his fault. Simba runs to the outskirts of the Pride Lands, escaping death once more from the hyenas.
Alison: Simba doesn't take much convincing to run away from the body of his dead father and responsibilities.
Taylor: Simba still hasn't won me over.
Alison: Can we at least acknowledge that Scar is encouraging desegregation with lions/hyenas under his rule?
Taylor: Fair point.
Simba is now a grown lion, living the easy life with Timon and Pumba on the outskirts of the Pride Lands.
Taylor: Nathan Lane as Timon and Matthew Broderick as adult Simba? The Producers!
Taylor: Pretty sure "Hakuna Matata" means, "Give up! And smoke crack!"
Alison: Yeah, they do encourage Simba to be a stoner vegetarian. I think in real life wild pigs eat meat?
Taylor: Weren't they in Willow? They tried to eat Willow?
Alison: I know they were in Hannibal.
Nala now grown, stalks and tries to eat Timon and Pumba. Instead, she ends up in a wrestling match with a defensive Simba. The two are reunited for the first time since their childhood.
Taylor: MEET CUTE!
Alison: But they are physical equals. Oh man, she wins!
Taylor: Here comes the "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" song!
Alison: They totally have sex here, right?
Taylor: Cat penises are barbed.
Alison: Cat penises are so barbed. Kids' movie.
Taylor: Whoa! What's up with Nala's lyric, "Why won't he be the king I know he is?" That's just like when girls go, "You don't have to like a guy how he is. You can change him!"
Alison: Again, Nala is the only one being active.
Taylor: So Simba is basically your rich, lazy boyfriend who, if he just applied himself, could get that law degree and make partner at his Dad's firm.
Alison: Also, he's being mean to her post-barbed sex.
Taylor: Whoa you're right!
Alison: AND he asked if she was satisfied and she replied, "Just disappointed," which, is how it goes.
Simba sees a brief vision of his father Mufasa in the sky thanks to Rafiki the mandrill. It helps him make peace with the guilt he has from his past.
Alison: Oh, hey cloud dad.
Taylor: All that weed in the outskirts and he couldn't see his cloud dad?
Alison: Cloud dad is a nightmare.
Taylor: That vision was short. What's cloud dad's hurry?
Alison: Stay awhile, cloud dad.
Taylor: Or at least be clear, you had time to plan this.
Alison: Also, how many years has this been? Like two people years? Give me some military strategy.
Taylor: Okay. Nala had been telling him forever to go back and then he says the monkey told him! Ugh. The worst.
Alison: Yeah, he got mad at his woman and then took the advice of a hallucination.
Again, she's fighting WITH him. She's his equal!
Simba goes back to the Pride Lands to fight Scar.
Taylor: It's all lady lions!
Alison: It's all lady lions!
Taylor: Where are all the dude lions?