This is Barack Obama.
He rose -- from humble beginnings in the Hawaii-based marijuana smoking organization the Choom Gang -- through Occidental College, the Ivy League, and the U.S. Senate, all the way to the presidency, where he dreamed of redeeming the dreams of his father and repudiating his predecessor's policies.
This is Barack's predecessor:
His name is George 2.
One time he dressed in a flight suit, landed on an aircraft carrier, and gave a speech beneath a gigantic banner that proclaimed "Mission Accomplished," referring to a war that wouldn't end for another nine years, at which point its staunchest supporters insisted the mission still wasn't accomplished.
Now he paints dogs at an undisclosed location:
Last week, Barack gave a big speech.
Roughly five years ago, when he took over for George 2, he'd promised to change course in the conflict formerly known as the Global War on Terror, which he still wages against terrorists all over the globe. Vowing to stop torturing people, he made good on his pledge, waterboarding zero suspected terrorists, but killing thousands without capturing them. Having assured a reporter, "I reject the Bush Administration's claim that the president has plenary authority under the Constitution to detain U.S. citizens without charges as unlawful enemy combatants," he killed four U.S. citizens without charges. Insisting that "it is illegal and unwise for the President to disregard international human rights treaties ... ratified by the U.S. Senate," he disregarded the Convention Against Torture, an international human rights treaty ratified in 1994 by the U.S. Senate.
He was reelected by a comfortable margin, in part because the hardcore fans who believed so fervently in his original project never gave up hope on Barack when it was abandoned. (They blamed it on Fox.)
Also, his political opponents were incompetent ninnies, led by a standard-bearer who preemptively insulted 47 percent of the country, presided over a get-out-the-vote effort that crashed on election day, and allocated a speaking slot at his party's nationally televised convention to a performance-art monologue by an octogenarian actor who addressed his remarks to an empty chair:
It's all darkly funny when you think about it.
After spending Cuatro de Mayo 2013 on a friendly visit to Mexico and Costa Rica, Barack gave that May 23 speech. His earliest supporters received it as the thing for which they'd long hoped: a reprieve for the abruptly cancelled project to rein in the War on Terror. By coincidence, the speech was given around the same time that Netflix posted 15 new episodes of the groundbreaking tragicomedy Arrested Development, set in Orange County, California.
The events seem to have bled together for me.
The show is known for its biting, absurdist humor. But is it any more absurd than the real-life characters and events I've been observing on the national stage my whole adult life? Hadn't George 2 nicknamed his top adviser Turd Blossom and declared that the lowest moment of his presidency was when he was insulted by luxury rapper Kanye West? Isn't Herman Cain every bit as ridiculous as Herbert Love, the Arrested Development Season 4 character he inspired?
Wasn't Barack ... well, we're getting to that.
After the speech, more than one observer grokked Barack's intended message: "Please don't worry, liberals. I'm not George ." Conor Friedersdorf of The Atlantic -- hey, that's me! -- called the speech a rhetorical victory for civil libertarians. Like me, James Fallows, who's been wanting to declare the War on Terrorism over and won since his excellent 2006 Atlantic cover story on the subject, celebrated the speech's nod in that direction (even as the Pentagon speculated about 10 to 20 more years of war against al-Qaeda and the White House finished institutionalizing its disposition matrix). Wrote The New Yorker's Jane Mayer, who has done pioneering work investigating the War on Terror excesses of George 2 as well as Barack's ongoing war on whistleblowers, "While [George 2] frequently seemed to take action without considering the underlying questions, [Barack] appears somewhat unsure of exactly what actions to take."