88 Lines About 44 Stories

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Left to right: Reuters/Wikimedia Commons, Reuters/Reuters

Who says August is a slow news month? Who says the last two weeks before Labor Day are uneventful and unstirring? With apologies to the Nails, and their classic song 88 Lines about 44 Women, here's a quick rundown on some of the big stories swirling around as we near the end of the summer holiday season.

***

Dominique at last may flee, he can't wait for gay Paree
Irene announced herself on scene, Mother Nature sure's been mean
Old Dick's memoirs soon you'll buy, journos to scour for a lie
Leary's ending "Rescue Me," not much else I want to see 

(Hum along to the tune)

Cyrus got a lucky break, when New York's ceilings took to quake
Steve Jobs says he's leaving his, buy just one more Apple if you please
Barack's been in and out of rough, many want to see him tough
Snooki's fighting with her mates, will MTV poison all their plates?

Humming

Rick says no to Evolution, losing key Great Ape vote
Tiger's golf has gone to seed, hits his balls in to the moat
Muammer's got more names than Ocho, he's not hiding in a hole
Samuel just hung with Indians, never be on their Totem Pole.

Humming

Ken at Interior cares not for mustangs, he's a rancher after all
Sarah's been too quiet lately, maybe gearing up for Fall
Joe's just back from great China, 40 years has come to pass
Brett seems gone for good this time, legal troubles coming fast

Humming

Mitt seems mellow next to Perry, both have hair like poor sick Jerry
Fred's on TV hawking mortgages, quite a come down don't you say?
Maria on court will be grunting, but most don't care for play-by-play
Hillary's bit her tongue much lately, she must have a lot to say

Humming

Jon is leaning toward the center, at that rate he'll miss November
Michelle's peeps are tough on media, just look it up on Wikipedia

Eric at Justice saw some damage, when the quake hit hard that day

Andrew in London's having problems, no one wants to see his play
 
Christine went nuts on poor Piers Morgan, is his hacking depo set?
Chris in Jersey bailed on horse farms, but the casinos love their bet
Peyton won't be starting soon, so young Eli's all poor Archie's got
Justin's rockin' on the mound, Detroit could use some happy sound.

Humming

Jerome Shestack, he just died, fellow stomped on terra true
Jerry Leiber is also gone, to his songs we pitched and wooed
Don't forget smooth Nick Ashford, no mountain high enough for him
And let's all pray for Nancy Reagan, life for her now seems grim.

Humming

Ginny's gearing up for battle, husband Clarence won't say boo
Just in time to open wounds, a brand new book from old John Yoo
James Spader's a great guy, but replacing Michael just won't fly
Gregory House soon to leave us, the DVD set I'm sure to buy
Calvin just got a driving no-no, and no horse was near I hear
James from Okey he's a boomer, thinks global warming is small beer
Alex just back from injury, Yanks saddled with this guy
Warren's patriotic about all taxes, but BOA he just did buy
Will and Jada still a couple, wish your marriage as good as theirs
First Scarlett, then Charlize, Ryan Reynolds ain't playing fair
Martin King still a giant, no monument needed to get his gist
Maria Shriver, here's a kiss. I chose you to end this list.

Andrew Cohen is a contributing editor at The Atlantic. He is a legal analyst for 60 Minutes and CBS Radio News, a fellow at the Brennan Center for Justice, and Commentary Editor at The Marshall Project

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