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NEW AGE ACRONYMS
(4/19/96 - 5/3/96)

This contest is now closed. But enjoy!

(Click here to go directly to the winning entries.)

The idea for this contest was suggested by DOCTOR GO, whose AOL account is hereby given a fresh coat of paint and varnished with 5 free hours courtesy of The Atlantic Monthly.

DOCTOR GO has been noticing some strange new organizations whose names happen to make appropriate acronyms (or as the DOCTOR calls them, Approprionyms). For example, some dairy farmers in a Midwestern state have formed an organization called Cattlemen of Wisconsin, whose official stationery bears the acronym COW.

Elsewhere, a firm that manufactures underwear has adopted the name Bust Raisers Association. A crime syndicate oddly opposed to firearms has named itself Thugs With Arrows, Not Guns. And a diet club partaking strictly of baby food is called Group Liking Only Pabulum. Your phone book may not include the organizations BRA, TWANG, and GLOP--but your word-game hosts are assiduously collecting these new-age acronyms.

To help us and DOCTOR GO, invent an organization whose name forms an apt acronym. You may imagine a young group like the Alphabet Beginners' Club or a senior citizens' group like Coalition of Old Timers. It's up to you whether or not little words like "of" and "the" contribute directly to your acronym, but any word normally capitalized in a title should be included.

Senders of the three funniest entries will be enshrined in the organization called New Acronym Making Entrepreneurs (Rarely Serious). In addition, each winner will receive a book from The Atlantic's store and 5 free America Online hours (if they are AOL members).

We will continue accepting entries through Friday, May 3. Results will be posted at The Atlantic on Friday, May 10.

--EC and HR

P.S. Our Word Games and Puzzles message board on America Online (keyword: ATLANTIC) includes a weekly acronym contest hosted by our prodigious and popular board manager, Raviac. Check it out, and you could win 5 free AOL hours!



NEW AGE ACRONYMS Contest Results

(All names without @ symbols are AOL screen names.)

In the process of collecting acronyms for new groups, we were treated to some fresh views of the word ACRONYM itself. For example, contestant MARSHAE claimed that an acronym is "nothing more than an Alphabetic Code, Replacing Object Names, Yielding Mnemonics." Newtarheal added that it refers to "Atlantic's Clever Ranks Of Numbingly Yammering Metaphorists."

At least a couple of wordsmiths took friendly potshots at your game hosts. OberOber proposed a group of game-players called "Cryptologists Obsessed with 'X': Riddling Anagrams, Tricky Homonyms, Various Orthographic Noodlings." And PayPete1st wrote of a group whose name was "Committee Overseeing X-words, Roving Awards, Textually Hilarious Verbiage, and Omnipresent Nonsense, part of the Rib-tickling Actual and Virtual Intelligence Administration Council."

Rhr702 reminded us of a good acronym joke when he wrote, "My favorite is an oldie but goodie among educators, the group known as DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia." Incidentally, SMPolonsky brought to our attention an actual Approprionym, noting, "One of the best I've seen in real life was for a voice-recognition system for doctors to use to chart on their patients--and it's called Voice-Aware Multimedia Physicians' Interactive Reporting Environment. You got it--VAMPIRE!"

Our favorite made-up acronyms were supplied by RiverToad, Lawlss, and Wagsalot, who apparently belong to some very strange organizations! We won't ask about the membership requirements, but we'll happily award each of these acronymmers 5 free AOL hours and a free book from The Atlantic Store.

Congratulations RiverToad, Lawlss, and Wagsalot!

The Winners

Daredevils Of America: DOA (RiverToad)

Group United Against Nasty Odors: GUANO (Lawlss)

Individuals Needing Extra Patience & Time: INEPT (Wagsalot)

And Our Other Top Favorites

Members of the Benighted Lovers of Ignorance Secret Society talk more and louder the less they know. (Their symbol is an ostrich with its head in the sand.): BLISS (gail.koontz@quancon.com)

Society Nabobs Only Belong: SNOB (Mypoet)

Society to Nominate Ourselves as Best: SNOB (BALD MT)

Association of Ripe Moldy People Idolizing Talcum: ARMPIT (BALD MT)

Someone Told Us to Pay Idiot Dues: STUPID (BALD MT)

A bunch of girl-watchers calling themselves "Heads Up, Beautiful Babe Approaching" (said twice for emphasis): HUBBA HUBBA (StefSpad)

A discussion group for those with speech impediments called Lip Impeded Talkers Holding Palavers: LITHP (english@aci.edu.tr)

A Friday night beer-drinkers' club calling themselves Beer is Essential to Living a Cheerful Healthy Existence by Reveling in Suds: BELCHERS (Annalinen)

My bowling league believes in beer frames. If one per night is good, three per game is better. We have formed BOWLERS: Big Oafs Who Loathe Exercise Requiring Skill. (Stigger4)

A teen-age Swiss choir called Youth Organization Developing Echoing Lungs: YODEL (Hunny3)

A detergent manufacturers' group called Society Of Addicted Purifiers: SOAP (Hunny3)

A female liposuction club called Ladylike Institute Furnishing Tight Skin: LIFTS (Hunny3)

A new puzzle club called Committee Readily Yelling "Please Taboo Impossible Clues Soon!": CRYPTICS (Hunny3)

A dermatologists' organization called Physicians Improving Many Patient's Lumpy, Execrable Skin: PIMPLES (Hunny3)

A NASA subcommittee called Group Advocating Lunar Involvement, Loving Earth Orbit: GALILEO (Hunny3)

A literature lovers' society called Ancient England's Society Of Parables: AESOP (Hunny3)

A seamstresses' group called Group Of Wedding Needlers: GOWN (Hunny3)

A Raviac-inspired osculation society called Film Lovers In Cinema, Kissing: FLICK (Hunny3)

Furniture dealers of the 1990s, called Soft Overstuffed Futon Association: SOFA (Hunny3)

Birds Out Bubbling Over Like Irrepressibly Nutty Kazoomeisters: BOBOLINK (OberOber)

Reformed Hooligans Upbraiding Ballplayers After Red Barber: RHUBARB (OberOber)

Male Adolescent Daydreamers Over Nine Needing Adventure: MADONNA (OberOber)

Animals Experiencing Stress Over Personification: AESOP (OberOber)

Society for Prevention of Ignoramuses Running for Office: SPIRO (Rickwins)

Quiescent Underachievers Advocating Yet Less Education: QUAYLE (Rickwins)

Benevolent Order of Guys Acting Real Tough: BOGART (Rickwins)

Policemen Against Cocaine In Nasal Orifices: PACINO (Rickwins)

Saturday Afternoons In Launch Or Runabout Society: SAILORS (Ravensegg)

California Hot Ingredients Lovers' Institute: CHILI (Ravensegg)

Paranoids' And Neurotics' Incitement Club: PANIC (Ravensegg)

Lame And Meek Bunch: LAMB (not to be confused with the Hell's Angels) (Ravensegg)

Travelers, Railroaders, And Industrial Nabobs (nineteenth century think tank): TRAIN (Ravensegg)

Register Of Bankers: ROB (Ismite)

Terrapins Undergoing Rapid Transit Lab Experiments: TURTLE (Ismite)

Consumptives Offering Unlimited Guttural Hacking: COUGH (Ismite)

Servile Persons Of Unspeakable Suffering Expecting Sympathy: SPOUSES (Ismite)

He-men Usurping Superiority But Actually Needing Direction: HUSBAND (RandyK5333)

Having known a few who chew in my day, I have always suggested they join up with Partakers of Tobacco, Only Occasionally Expectorating Effluent: PTOOEE! (Landlord1)

Physicians and Healers Licensed to Extract Guttural Mucus: PHLEGM (TEEPOT40)

Fraternal Order Of Dieters: FOOD (TEEPOT40)

Association for the Development Of Romantic Encounters: ADORE (TEEPOT40)

Pursuers of Unspoiled River Environments: PURE (TEEPOT40)

Tax Evaders of America: People Against Revenuers Taking Indiscriminately Everyone's Salaries: TEA PARTIES (SMPolonsky)

Randy Animals Birthing Babies In Timely Succession: RABBITS
(not to be confused with: Busty, Uninhibited Nubile Nudes Intimately Exposing Skin: BUNNIES) (SMPolonsky)

Young Americans With Not Enough Real Sleep: YAWNERS (SMPolonsky)

Grand Old Deities Society: GODS (SMPolonsky)

Association of Nice Guys Elevated Luminously Skyward: ANGELS (SMPolonsky)

Lovers of "Atlantic" Undoubtedly Gaining Hours Executing Rip-roaring Solutions: LAUGHERS (SMPolonsky)

Expired Legendary Vocalist Impersonator Society: ELVIS (SMPolonsky)

Fans of Unconditionally Dumping Graphic Expletives: FUDGE (SMPolonsky)

National Organization of Tired, Nagging, Overworked Women: NOT NOW (SMPolonsky)

Failures Only Needing Increased Knowledge of Spelling: FONIKS (SMPolonsky)

Dyslexics Achieving Educational Rehabilitation: DAER (SMPolonsky)

Zoological Oracles Divination, Investigation, and Advice Corporation: ZODIAC (PayPete1st)

Zealous Observers, Drawers, and Interpreters of Astrological Charts: ZODIAC (EBrahinsky)

Conference of Aficionados of Tuna: CAT (EBrahinsky)

League Of Viewers Enjoying Boring Old Antiquated TV Shows: LOVE BOATS (EBrahinsky)

People Offering Laughable Inanities, Thinking It'll Change Society: POLITICS (EBrahinsky)

Mongers Of Vapid, Insipid Exercises, Mostly About Killing, Explosions, Rape, and Sex: MOVIE MAKERS (EBrahinsky)

Rockers for the Annoyance of Parents: RAP (EBrahinsky)

Zoological Exotica Breeders and Raisers Association: ZEBRA (EBrahinsky)

Well-coiffed Employers of Advanced Technology, Hugely Expensive Radars -Meteorological Accuracy: Nil: WEATHERMAN (EBrahinsky)

Women Indecently Subjected To Fashion's Unrelenting Litheness: WISTFUL (Newtarheal)

Association of Furtive Fools Aspiring to Infamous Rendezvous: AFFAIR (Newtarheal)

Heterosexual Egotists Meeting Every Night: HE-MEN (Newtarheal)

Secret Coalition of Underground Muggers: SCUM (Newtarheal)

Witty Association of Gagsters: WAG (Newtarheal)

Talkers With A Nasal Greeting: TWANG (Newtarheal)

Omnipotent Stars Crowing And Rambling: OSCAR (Newtarheal)

Fed-up Antidieters Tribunal: FAT (Newtarheal)

Criminological Research Institute Methodology Experimental Station: CRIMES (HairyApes)

A little-known (and unrepentent) offshoot of Sheepherder's Anonymous: Guys Reaching Out to Paw Ewes: GROPE (HrtsDlite)

A group of female overeaters known as Surfeited Women In Need of Exercise: SWINE (HrtsDlite)

A group dedicated to producing superior ovine breeding stock known as Society for the Husbandry of Exquisite Ewe Parents: SHEEP (HrtsDlite)

A group of perfumers (who've yet to develop a hit fragrance) called Scent Kindlers of Undeveloped Nasal Keenness: SKUNK (HrtsDlite)

The name says it all: Nubile Young Madams, Patently Hoping to Outlast Males in Athletic, Naughty and Indecent Acts of Cumulative Sensuality: NYMPHOMANIACS (HrtsDlite)

A small, albeit colorful, group of government civil servants whose past indiscretions are covered in the media on an almost-daily basis, known as Scantily Clad Ambassadors Negotiating Deals in Alien Lands: SCANDAL (HrtsDlite)

A nature-loving sorority of young women who eschew regular clothing, known as Sumptuous Cuties Alfresco in Nighties, Teddies and Insouciant Lingerie of Yarn-dyed Cotton, Lycra And Dacron: SCANTILY CLAD (HrtsDlite)

A day care center called Handling Energetic Little People: HELP (RBerk1001)

A men's senior citizen's club called Retired Old Men Eating Out: ROMEO (RBerk1001)

Chiropractic Organization Cape Cod Yearly eXclusive: COCCYX (BeaVinc)

Texans Wanting Everyone to Repel Perot: TWERP (TDarsey)

Southern Punks Inspiring Kinky Extremes: SPIKE (TDarsey)

Longevity Is For Everyone: LIFE (LP FLASH)

Society Of Flannel Traders: SOFT (LP FLASH)

The Society of Aristocratic Rulers: TSAR (LP FLASH)

Society for the Prevention of Intrusion into Everybody's Secrets: SPIES (EWhitebeck)

Legal Assistance for Women: LAW (Louise Kay)

Pre-adults Inconveniently Manifesting Pustulous Lucent Eruptions: PIMPLE (TinLizzard)

Furry Enigmas Lounging In Noxiously Engaging Stances: FELINES (TinLizzard)

Careful Auto Repair Service: CARS (Kmgjjg)

Lonely Individuals Finding Excitement: LIFE (Kmgjjg)

Little Annoying Pets Society: LAPS (kibdr@teleport.com)

Rottweilers Against Generally Everything: RAGE (kibdr@teleport.com)

Standard Poodles Emitting Articulate Knowledge: SPEAK (kibdr@teleport.com)

Conversationalists Having Articulate Talks: CHAT (MAM1118)

Large American Rotund Dudes: LARD (MAM1118)

Boxer Airedale Rottweiler Kennels: BARK (MAM1118)

Peoples International Gluttony Society: PIGS (LkcoolK)

Wits Advocating Gags Society: WAGS (LkcoolK)

A poet's society called Just A Babbling Bunch Entrenched in Rhyming Words Or Creating Keats-like Yarns: JABBERWOCKY (Redwolfess)

Stalwart Writers Offering Readable Defenses: SWORD (LostnAustn)

Single Women Against Naughty Kisses: SWANK (LostnAustn)

Single Mothers Operating Kid Exchange: SMOKE (LostnAustn)

Local Institute of Speech Pathologists: LISP (jens@west.net)

Worldwide Organization Of Fidos: WOOF (NORMALNOR)

Geriatric Association of Student Pilots: GASP (NORMALNOR)

Thought you'd like to know that membership in CLOUD (Concerned Lovers Of Uploaded Dewdrops) is soaring! (BettySte)

Mad Cow Disease Official News Affiliates Learning Dairy Secrets: MCDONALDS (StilWillin)

Society for Theater Actors Giving Entertainment: STAGE (acook@mis.nb.ca)

Did I Eat That?: DIET (Shilo1104)

Big Lack Of N-tellectually Dense Individuals: BLONDI (Taimse)

Michiganders Insisting on Correctness in Henceforth Identifying Gender and Ending Excessive Sexism Everywhere: MICHIGEESE (Unhunk)

Well, the reporters who have to come out to cover all the militias, bombing suspects, freemen, separatists and such out here in Montana, Idaho, and the area have banded together in a new organization called Media Analysts Describing Crackpots Of Western States: MADCOWS (BLRygg)

Speaking of that besieged compound near Jordan, Montana, it turns out that FREEMEN is also an acronym: Foreclosed Ranchers Evading Eviction, Making Everyone Nervous. (BLRygg)

The lawyer for the Unabomber suspect is filing motions and appeals to try to get the case dropped before it even reaches a grand jury, much less a trial, leading people to suspect he's a member of the Bombers' Anti Defamation Institute, Department of Evading Accountability: BAD IDEA.
(BLRygg)

Republicans In Georgia Host The Women Into Newt Gingrich: RIGHT-WING (RHorton508)

Shakespeare's Action Poetry Society: SAPS (RHorton508)

Organizashun Of Pur Spelers: OOPS (Wagsalot)

Besmitten Assimilators of Rotten Food: BARF (ShedPot)

Lithology And Volcanology Association: LAVA (RiverToad)

Diggers In Rough Terrain: DIRT (Darekev1)

Plumbing Leaders United in Growth: PLUG (Darekev1)

Females Engaging in Routine Tumbling for Incubating Life Entities: FERTILE (Darekev1)

Commission for Relocating Aves from Natural Environments: CRANE (Darekev1)

Legal Institution of Borrowing, Reading, And Returning to the Youths the Best Opportunity for Obtaining Knowledge and Sagacity: LIBRARY BOOKS (Phantormas)

An organization of Web page administrators would be Software Professionals Involved in Distributing Electronic Resources: SPIDER (LeonardJK)

A splinter group has broken away from the Montana Freemen and they are: Constitutional Reformers Against the Zionist Imperial Enemy State: CRAZIES (LeonardJK)

Wordgamers Online Requiring Downright Superior Talent, Energy, and Resourcefulness: WORDSTER (LeonardJK)

National Unity of The Zodiac: NUTZ (Willow@x-net.net)

Geologists Occupationally Organized in Finding the Yeti: GOOFY (Willow@x net.net)

Witches In Cramped Christian Areas: WICCA (Willow@x-net.net)

Majority's Attitude on Dole's Chances At Presidency: MADCAP (MIZZOU LEW)

After 35 years of our small town being robbed the mayor has announced the start of a town program called Omit Oppressive Plumbing Scams: OOPS (AmIhere0)

Seniors' Coalition of Retired-Early Workers (membership open only to those forced into early retirement by government cutbacks): SCREW (PensaKaren)

Curious Old Dudes Groaning for Erotic Resurrection: CODGER (Lawlss)

Brothers Repeating Asinine Teasing: BRAT (Lawlss)


Copyright © 1996 by The Atlantic Monthly Company. All rights reserved.