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JEST SELLERS
(3/08/96 - 3/22/96)

This contest is now closed. But enjoy!

(Click here to go directly to the winning entries.)

The idea for this contest was submitted by HrtsDlite, whose AOL account is hereby electronically rewired to contain 5 free hours courtesy of The Atlantic Monthly.

HrtsDlite has been daydreaming about some best-selling books. Oddly, their titles are each one letter different from the titles of established masterpieces. For example, one book on her list is "The Old Man and the Pea," which she claims is the sequel to "Jack and the Beanstalk." Another book on her list is entitled "True Brit." HrtsDlite says the subtitle is "Prince Charles: the Early Years." And in case you need one more example, HrtsDlite has a copy of "Moby Duck," that allegorical yarn about a man-eating mallard.

Now it's your turn to fill our shelves. Take a famous book, alter just one letter somewhere in the title, and tell us what this new volume might be all about. Senders of our three favorite entries will each receive Nobel Prizes and will be permanently enshrined in the Literary Hall of Fame in Blooperstown, New York. (Okay, seriously, they'll each receive 5 free AOL hours if they are AOL members and a free book from from The Atlantic Store.)

--EC and HR

P.S. Many of you have already won free AOL time with your friendly and funny contributions to our new "Word Games and Puzzles" area on the Atlantic's America Online message board (keyword ATLANTIC). Those of you who haven't visited yet... come on in, the wordplay's fine!



Jest Sellers Contest Results

(All names without @ symbols are AOL screen names.)

This word game broke all previous records for numbers of players and total entries. Some of you sent virtual libraries of jesting volumes--giving new meaning, incidentally, to the term "card catalog." We would love to represent all the wonderful titles sent to our electronic address, but until we build a new wing onto the Atlantic's word games edifice, we are obliged to abridge the entries somewhat in this report.

Among the most popular book titles were Jurassic Pork (about prehistoric swine), Jurassic Bark (outdated dogs), Jurassic Perk (old, cold coffee), and Jurassic Nark (dinosaur cops). Speaking of oversized beasts, dozens of people suggested The Lizard of Oz (a dinosaur in the Emerald City) and Apocalypse Cow (attack of a giant Elsie).

The Scarlet Setter and its companion volume The Scarlet Litter were the most popular dog stories, but animal tales also occurred in Hatch 22 (life on a chicken farm), Caws (a sequel to The Birds), Paws (killer kitties on a rampage), From Hare to Eternity (life story of the Easter Bunny), Animal Firm (in which cows and pigs learn to defend themselves), and To Fill a Mockingbird (the adventures of a taxidermist)--which shared the shelf with the unlikely To Bill a Mockingbird and the rather kinky To Kilt a Mockingbird.

Cookbooks also topped the lists. Favorites included The Bun Also Rises, Fear of Frying, The Fridges of Madison County, Tarzan of the Ales, The Beerslayer, Anna and the King of Spam, Lord of the Fries, Lord of the Wings, The Prince of Sides, and Batch 22 (cookie recipes from Hillary Clinton and other well-known bakers).

Well-represented classics included The Drapes of Wrath (tales from the textile industry), Vanity Hair (the Farrah Fawcett story), The Mime Machine (about Marcel Marceau), Patriot Dames (history of the DAR), A Thousand and One Arabian Tights (cross-dressing in the Islamic world), Rodeo and Juliet (a Wild West romance), Grime and Punishment (a dirty book), Paradise Cost (vacationing in Hawaii), The Prince and the Pamper (royal child-care), The Fast of the Mohicans (early American diets), Rabbis, Run (exercise or politics for Jewish leaders), Withering Heights (what Al Sis called "the phenomenon of growing shorter"), A Farewell to Arfs (what Hunny3 called "Sandy's Eulogy"), and the twin volumes A Farewell to Arts and A Farewell to Alms (both reflecting funding in the 1990s).

The puns keep coming--but before we continue the list, let's pause to read the names of our three celebrated winners. With so many good entries to choose from, we simply followed our hearts and crowned a trio of the folks who delivered the biggest laughs. Our thanks and congratulations to jest-selling authors VCRogers, WVdulcimer, and SMPolonsky!

The Winners

DAS for Dummies: After spending only a few months with this clear, concise, 486-page guidebook, even the slowest learner should know how to pronounce the word "the" in German. (VCRogers)

Fetamorphoses: Greek cheese, left too long in the refrigerator, evolves. (WVdulcimer)

I'm OK, You're Oz: by Dorothy Gale. How to increase your self-esteem, just as the lion did in only one trip to the Emerald City. Alternative title: Coward's End. (SMPolonsky)

And Other Top Favorites

Dristan and Iseult: story of a tragic love affair that never happened because she had the flu (Ravensegg)

Drabula: the forgotten sibling; what it was like to be the Count's younger and less flamboyant brother (Failte 1)

The Leachings of Don Juan: Mexican sorcerer hallucinates a new septic system (Rickwins)

Goldilocks and the Three Beers: a sequel; now Goldilocks breaks into a tavern (SSchri6565)

Corn Free: a biography of Dr. Scholl (SSchri6565)

Drugs Along the Mohawk: the crack problem in upstate NY (Rhr702; also OberOber, RDH9995)

The World According to Gary: a ten-year-old kid mouths off about things he doesn't know anything about (OberOber)

The Adventures of Tom Lawyer: it's not only the fence that gets whitewashed! (OpenUrEyes; also sruddell, Stradlady, KaileyPete)

The Adventures of Mom Sawyer: the story behind the boy (JAMIHiller)

The Adventures of Huckleberry Fink: thanks to informant, juvenile officers nab Tom Sawyer (Rickwins; also Rhr702, MattWard)

Tartan of the Apes: history of the MacChimp Clan (guy@research.att.com)

The Once and Future Kine: Mahatma Gandhi biography (guy@research.att.com)

The Canterbury Tapes and Loud Jim: audio editions (guy@research.att.com)

Less of the D'Urbervilles: a Reader's Digest condensed book (guy@research.att.com; also GRAFIXRES1)

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Hex (But Were Afraid to Ask): a witch's guide to spells (GRAFIXRES1)

The Tales of Mother Loose: anthology of children's stories by a true woman of the night (GRAFIXRES1)

Ivanhop: a tsarist rabbit incites a revolution to take over the Easter Parade (GRAFIXRES1)

The Pet and the Pendulum (vol. 8 in the Don't-Try-This-At-Home series): the author explains in gory detail why you should never actually let your mouse run up the clock (LatteLdy72)

Slogun: tragic tale of the shortest law-enforcement career in history (LatteLdy72)

The Exercist: only one man can save the world from the evil of Richard Simmons (LatteLdy72)

The Whole Garth Catalog: every insipid souvenir, from tacky t-shirts to comical cowboy hats and microphone headsets (LatteLdy72)

Dial R for murdeR: novel about a dyslexic killer (RDH9995)

The Valley of the Dolts: tragic results of inbreeding in the Tennessee hills (RDH9995)

The Eng and I: Siamese author Chang explores extremely close relationship with his brother (RDH9995)

Captain Horatio Hornflower: adventures of a sea captain who resigns his commission to become an interior decorator (RDH9995)

Tropic of Dancer: the story of Carmen Miranda (Robbabe)

The Old Curiosity Slop: what Oliver Twist requested more of? (Robbabe)

Rosemary's Babe: the history of deviled ham? (Robbabe)

Elmer Pantry: the story of a Fudd shortage? (Robbabe)

The Crime of Miss Jean Brodie: was she just at the wrong place at the wrong time? (KaileyPete)

Cymbaline: play on which "The Little Drummer Girl" is based (DickelRox)

Much Amo about Nothing: Latin students endlessly conjugate a verb, but never learn why (DickelRox)

All's Well that Ends Welk: Shakespeare's views on "wholesome" music (DickelRox)

The Texpest: an irritating oilman won't stop talking about how great everything is in the Lone Star State (DickelRox)

Harlet: true story of Shakespearean summer theater actors who can't spell and how they survive the winter (OpenUrEyes)

The Canterbury Males: middle-aged grumpy old men (OpenUrEyes)

Con Quixote: the truth revealed--he was on the lam (OpenUrEyes)

Blur Highways: William Least Heat Moon takes to the German autobahn (OpenUrEyes)

The Theory of the Leisure Clans: of caviar haggis, frivolous flings, and silk kilts (BettySte)

Sane Eyre: she institutionalizes Mrs. Rochester and tells Edward to get a life (MARKOMAR)

Ben Her: only after he had been imprisoned on a slave galley did he know for sure that he'd always wanted to be a woman (MARKOMAR)

The Joy Tuck Club: four old friends use the same cosmetic surgeon (MARKOMAR)

Lady of the Cake: story of a bachelor-party strip-tease artist (JCiarcia22)

The Wizard of Om: Dorothy on the yellow brick path of wisdom (Ann Hill)

The Wizard of OJ: the Johnny Cochran story (BNorriss888)

Mary Queen of Slots: biography of a Las Vegas legend (Rhr702)

Nut of Africa: biography of Idi Amin (Rhr702)

Slice in Wonderland: Dominos delivers anywhere! (Alamaneau)

The Nuns of Navarone: gun-packing Sisters go after the Nazis in WWII (ZinCats)

Cannery Rot: dead fish terrorize the citizens of Monterey (ZinCats)

The Ape of Reason: King Kong returns Fay Wray (Hunny3)

The Diving Comedy: underwater jokes by Jacques Cousteau (Hunny3)

The Shrewtape Letters: C.S. Lewis discovers God is a woman (AbstractME)

The Tau of Pooh: Winnie goes Greek while at the university (AbstractME)

Little Rad Riding Hood: the coolest hood in a car (Al Sis)

Mutiny on the Mounty: a horse overthrows its rider (Al Sis)

The Zit and the Pendulum: A teenage girl discovers how mood swings affect her complexion (MJH12656)

Dharma Bump: Mr. Kerouac meets Buddha on the road, and accidentally runs over him, with wild repercussions (Mezzomezzo)

Lonesome Dope: the Autobiography of Don Knotts (Mezzomezzo)

The Iceman Copeth: one day at a time with Wayne Gretzky (Mezzomezzo)

Of Hunan Bondage: MSG destroys a promising young man's life (Mezzomezzo)

The Wine in the Willows: Mr. Toad is convicted of driving under the influence (Mezzomezzo)

>Soup on Ice: the story of Gazpacho (Mezzomezzo)

Sour on Ice: the Tonya Harding story (Mezzomezzo)

Foul on Ice: Pittsburgh Penguin scrapbook (jmyarger@visi.com; also ShedPot)

The Wizard of Op: Biography of Andy Warhol (WORD DR)

The List of the Mohicans: Native American white pages (guy@research.att.com; also LunarDee, OpenUrEyes, SSchri6565, RDH9995)

The Lust of the Mohicans: Masters and Johnson write of pre-Columbian sex (G8ly; also MattWard)

The House of the Seven Cables: Hawthorne's classic about a family with an insatiable appetite for TV (ShedPot; also Marionnet, HARPUNSTER, MattWard)

The House of the Seven Tables: the domestic life of the Dwarfs (foxchped)

The Decline and Fall of the Roman Umpire: a luckless slave charged with eliminating cheating at the chariot races leans too far over the edge of his observation post and is trampled (Calistra; also RDH9995)

The Decline and Fall of the Loman Empire: the waning popularity of door-to-door salesmen (JCiarcia22)

Oedipus Tex: homespun yarn which describes southern mating rituals and the typical branchless family trees they produce (ErgoLem; also RanDaVoo)

Of Lice and Men: a treatise on human hygiene (ZinCats; also MMalo52567, YO6YO6, MRath40143, KeziaRune, Atzo, KaileyPete)

Of Rice and Men: Uncle Ben tells his own story (MARKOMAR; also Mztlplx, Ann Hill, BuckTide, Atzo)

Of Mace and Men: self-defense for the single woman (Wordswild; also MJH12656, SSchri6565, LYNITA)

Of Mice and Zen: a Buddhist retreat hosted by Mickey and his clan in Disney's newest theme park (Doropatent; also Robbabe)

Of Mice and Ben: prequel to the classic rodent epic (MRSockhead)

Of Dice and Men: gambling as a paradigm for male bonding (Sheldon321; also OasisDude, LatteLdy72, Atzo)

Moby Dice: Ahab loses his leg in the biggest crap shoot in history (PayPete1st)

Moby Rick: after the war, the owner of a Casablanca cafe becomes a fisherman (Hehir)

Bambo: renegade deer battles evil hunters and a speech impediment (Atrena; also JComeau329)

The Sum Also Rises: this mathematics handbook for the directionally impaired explains the difference between addition and subtraction in perhaps unnecessary detail (ARytting)

Interview with the Yampire: adventures of a sweet-potato fiend (PiratKing)

Call of the Mild: the adventures of Buffy, a brave Alaskan sled-poodle (SMPolonsky; also ForPlaylvr, ZinCats, SMaroon188)

The Taming of the Screw: Tim Allen finally gets his door hinge in place (DOCTOR GO; also Debsdab, Arieya, RanDaVoo)

A Brief History of Tide: a scientific study of the different formulas used by detergent manufacturers (Mztlplx)

Alter All These Years: case stories from the files of one of America's leading plastic surgeons (ParlorLady)

The Painmaker: biography of a sadistic dentist (ParlorLady)

Scones for Ibarra: tragic story of the first Scottish deli to open (and close) in rural Mexico (CindyBiese)

The Three Musketeens: Disney has bought the rights to a new French novel as a star vehicle for Johnny Depp and the three guys from "Friends" (StefSpad)

The Belt Curve: coping with middle-age spread (SavWmson)

Ground the World in 80 Days: electricians' convention annual report (KinseyKid)

Kids Saw the Darndest Things: are your children watching adult TV? (KinseyKid)

Gulliver's Gravels: world explorer retires to a New Hampshire quarry and sand pit business (JCiarcia; also OpenUrEyes, Stradlady, Murgatroid, Arieya)

Bride and Prejudice: true stories of both success and failure in interracial marriages (Sheldon321; also JAMIHiller, MARKOMAR, CDayH)

Price and Prejudice: about the cost of keeping up with the Joneses (Mypoet)

Prude and Prejudice: the Jesse Helmes Story (Mezzomezzo; also HomeRanch, rhorton))

The Snobs of Kilimanjaro: class warfare in east Africa (RDH9995; also WORD DR)

Patch 22: fashions associated with denim jeans (OpenUrEyes)

Word of the Flies: zszszszszszszsz (JAMIHiller)

The Prince of Rides: story of a carnival man (Julgin)

The Sound of the Baskervilles: actually a book on tape. Something to keep your mind off that damn dog next door (Ravensegg; also JCiarcia22)

The Grades of Wrath: from mild annoyance to "Flood 'em!"; a deities' book of etiquette on losing your temper (OberOber; also ParlorLady, OpenUrEyes, Doropatent)

Done With the Wind: Scarlett O'Hara closes her windows (Al Sis)

Cone With the Wind: a Southern belle tries to keep her family's Dairy Queen going during the Civil War (SMaroon188)

Gore With the Wind: the VEEP's guide to successful parasailing (Doropatent)

Gone With the Wand: about a fairy who magically dispatched Civil War rebels (Ismite; also Al Sis, Brewmstr23, MMalo52567, Murgatroid, Greenry, Writer MG, SweetPam2)

Gone With the Mind: a crazy woman can never find her car keys (CarynBP; also aruppel, Kink 100)

Gone With the Wild: a Southern woman chucks it all and goes to live in the Northwest woods with Yeti (Mypoet)

Gone with the Wink: a bitter memoir by Bob Packwood (OberOber)

Gone With the Wine: the tragic downfall of the world's greatest men and women, beginning with Adam and Eve (read the revelation about their secret recipe for distilled apple juice) (OpenUrEyes; also JAMIHiller, Mstsuzanne, RikSornsen, KarenAriz, toddm, OllieDR, KaileyPete)

Gone with the Wing: the tragedy of Icarus (JayDeDubya)

The Wind in the Pillows: the woes of an indigestion-troubled sleeper (Ismite; also Jim Maech, AKAARCHIE, RDH9995)

The Change of the Light Brigade: just how many people *does* it take to perform that task? (Bear MacD)

Edwin Drool: the salivation of Charles Dickens (HARPUNSTER)

The Hatcher in the Rye: little red hen seeks the perfect nesting sight (Debsdab)

Hard Tines: self-help volume for all those who have come to a fork in the road ( Marionnet)

Man of the Mouse: computer hacker's bible (Heyjube)

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Van: sequel to the TV show "My Mother the Car" (Chsaunders)

The Jungle Look: story of new fashion designs for the young and uninhibited (Jeanne2882)

The Bungle Book: antithesis to "How to Succeed at Anything" (Jeanne2882)

Blank Like Me: Dan Quayle's memoirs (GracieGdNt; also (RDH9995)

I Know Why the Caged Bard Sings: autobiography of Oscar Wilde written from Reading Gaol, including lyrics (LShip16214)

The Baked Ape: and other recipes from disgruntled SPCA employees; includes "Wok-ing Your Dog" (SavWmson)

A Fridge Too Far: confessions of a frustrated dieter (Unhunk)

Mother Moose: a collection of nursery rhymes for a Northern Exposure episode (ANDYKRIS)

The Grass Menagerie: story of a disturbed young woman who collects sod (AM MAD0623)

Barn Free: Tells of a group of farm animals who escape and move to Africa (AM MAD0623)

Primm's Fairy Tales: all your favorite fables re-written by the Christian Coalition (Brewmstr23)

The Whining: a yuppie couple's deadly noodging rampage at a snowed-in ski lodge (NanciDrew; also MJH12656)

Tar and Peace: sticky diplomatic negotiations (AmIhere0; also JAMIHiller, RikSornsen)

Bar and Peace: an angry drunk finds a life free from barroom brawls as a designated driver (Calistra)

Par and Peace: secrets of tension-free golf (RDH9995; also Debsdab)

Car and Peace: a conflict resolution technique for parents of teenagers (FPGraz)

Ear and Peace: a proposal to end noise pollution (OberOber)

The Shorn Birds: Australian tale of some drunken sheep shearers who suddenly decide to make feather beds (jens@west.net; also sruddell, SSchri6565, Debsdab)

The Colon Purple: gory story of a badly bruised intestine (ShedPot; also jmyarger@visi.com)

The ModFather: trials and tribulations of growing up in 1969 London with a mop-topped, bell-bottomed dad (Sheldon321; also GSH1)

A Member of the Welding: Carson McCullers's work in a scrap-iron plant (toddm@KUHUB.CC.UKANS.EDU; also JShaw0618)

More Favorite Jest-Selling Titles

Commentaries on the Garlic Wars: Italian cuisine conquers France (WVdulcimer)

The Aliad: epic story of a heavyweight boxing champion (WVdulcimer)

Oeditus Rex: sharp-eyed reporter rises to the top position at the Colonnus Chronicle (WVdulcimer)

Antifone: history of 20th-century classical music (WVdulcimer)

Batyricon: Eveready Bunny visits many bizarre settings (WVdulcimer)

Mepublic: Tarzan's English translation of the "Thoughts of Louis XIV" (WVdulcimer)

Seven Against Theses: Graduate students at Cal Polynices protest M.A. requirements (WVdulcimer)

Electpa: Chelsea Clinton's 1992 book in support of her father's candidacy (WVdulcimer)

The Tropan Women: anthology of poetry by females (WVdulcimer)

All the President's Mew: an unauthorized biography of Socks (OberOber)

A Clockwork Grange: how to run a more efficient farmers' lodge (OberOber)

Six Crisps: Richard Nixon's secret recipes for fruit cobblers (OberOber)

Rich Man, Pool Man: the career of Minnesota Fats (OberOber)

Jane Lyre: about Tarzan's mate who tired of swinging around in trees and decided to become a harpy (Ismite )

I'm OK, You're UK: Thomas Harris goes to England (WORD DR)

The Kit and the Pendulum: do-it-yourself clocks (LunarDee)

2001: A Spade Odyssey: get the most out of your garden tools (LunarDee)

A Raisin in the Bun: Betty Crocker on a shoestring budget (LunarDee; also toddm)

Beauty and the Feast: portrait of a failed dieter (LunarDee)

Coots: a family tree of grumpy people (LunarDee)

Geowulf: a poem about a king who proves his strength and courage by confronting a vicious globe (Calistra)

A Farewell to Ares: romance novel in which Aphrodite, in love with Adonis, leaves her macho man (jmyarger@visi.com)

The Joy of Sax: Bill Clinton on music (Rhr702)

Modems for Mummies: sci-fi about obstetrician who tries to help mothers communicate with their babies in-utero (jens@west.net)

All's Hell that Ends Well: chronicling a family trip (DOCTOR GO)

The Merry Dives of Windsor: about the places frequented by the royal family (DOCTOR GO)

The Hinter's Tale: about a puzzle guru who always gave the answers away (DOCTOR GO)

The Comedy of Arrows: about somebody who changes *two* letters in a word instead of one, and loses an archery contest (DOCTOR GO)

The Pound of the Baskervilles: English family down on its luck is forced to operate dog shelter (ZinCats)

Fried Greek Tomatoes: two Southern ladies experiment with Mediterranean cooking (ZinCats)

The Hood Earth: ecologists try to protect our ozone layer (SAPPHIRBLU)

Nobody's Tool: the adventures of a misplaced screwdriver lost in Kankakee, Illinois (ParlorLady)

Altered Stages: frightening tale of a stagehand who drove directors mad by constantly rearranging the scenery (ParlorLady)

Toots: a coffee table book on great American railroad engines' horns (ParlorLady)

Dante's Interno: a budding young doctor experiences the hell of daily rounds (LatteLdy72)

Dr Toolittle: the unauthorized biography of Dr. Ruth Westheimer (LatteLdy72)

A Tale of TWA Cities: major airline flight schedule (Shevin E)

A Tale of Two Cuties: expose of TV's adorable Olsen twins (PiratKing; also Alan_Waldock@ccm)

A Gale of Two Cities: storm destroys Paris and London (AM MAD0623)

A Sale of Two Cities: QVC goes global! (LunarDee; also aruppel, BNorris888, JAMIHiller, ashworth@sdd.hp.com, Mzinger, OllieDR, Bluedog725, GRAFIXRES1)

Tortilla Fiat: life on the road with an El Pollo Loco delivery man (Blow2wind)

A Time to Kiln: arts and crafts in the 60's (Blow2wind)

The Blackboard Bungle: why America's illiteracy rate is so high (FPGraz)

Valley of the Doles: an account of our fav rep couple, Bob & Libby, in their new California neighborhood, down the street from Ron & Nancy (Wagsalot)

Brave NOW World: feminists take over the entire globe by guile and force (HomeRanch)

The Hatcher in the Rye: the story of Holden Caulfield's chicken gone wild! (Ravensegg)

The Right Scuff: a tell-all book by the guys that faked the moon shots. You know, putting "space" marks on the fake rocket ship to make them look like they went all the way to the moon and back (Ravensegg)

A Clear and Present Ranger: the life story of hockey star Mark Messier (OasisDude)

Long Day's Journey into Right: Rush Limbaugh's life story (OasisDude)

To Have and Have Rot: compost smuggling in the Florida Keys (Rickwins)

Icon John: how to find your inner Russian Orthodox "wild man" (Rickwins)

Germs of Endearment: Mononucleosis outbreak in Texas (movie version with Meryl Strep) (Rickwins)

I Want to Sell You: a complete catalog of O.J. Simpson merchandise, peddled by the man himself (NICI D)

Rabbit, Nun: A non-reproductive oryctolagus cuniculus? This IS fiction! (OpenUrEyes)

Rabbit Re-Tux: always bring three changes of clothes with you to the opera; you never know when those little pellets will will ruin your night! (OpenUrEyes)

A Farewell to Arks: interviews with all species of smelly, muttering animals as they disembark from 40 days of forced imprisonment (OpenUrEyes)

East of Even: an odd book--I'll leave it at that (OpenUrEyes)

Paradise Lust: where all your dreams come true (OpenUrEyes)

Yankee Noodle: an all-American pasta cookbook (OpenUrEyes)

A Good Man is Lard to Find: how to recognize diamonds in the rough among the portlier segment of American society (OpenUrEyes)

The Preening of America: a study of America's beauty industry (sruddell@direct.ca)

To Sip With Love: a guide to the best coffee houses, by a former high school teacher (sruddell@direct.ca)

The Pickwick Parers: a comedy set in an English potato-peeling factory (SSchri6565)

Bridge on the Diver Kwai: following a water accident, a young Hawaiian cliff diver undergoes painful dental work (SSchri6565)

The Silence of the Lamps: a novel set in New York City during the infamous 1970's blackout (SSchri6565)

The Dime Machine: a Hollywood star's plunge from glory as she becomes addicted to pinball (JCiarcia22; also MAM1118)

Mess of the D'Urbervilles: exploits of a Canadian family who illegally dump used motor oil from their service station (JCiarcia22)

A Zoom With a View: inside look at the life of National Geographic photographers (JCiarcia22)

Animal Fart: a scratch-and-sniff book. Not a best seller (JAMIHiller)

IvanHue: story of a male fashion designer trying to break the confines of traditional colors and fabrics. (Failte 1)

Treat Expectations: Young Pip dreams of the candy he'll receive on Halloween (Kara.A.Roggenkamp)

A Christmas Carob and Treat Expectations: healthy baking for the holiday season (guy@research.att.com)

Tax Te Ching: "The deduction that can be taken is not the true deduction..." (guy@research.att.com)

Little Woden: Dawn of the Gods (guy@research.att.com)

Peter Man: in this sequel, he *does* grow up (guy@research.att.com)

Two Years Before the Mask: Biography of Jim Carrey, part I (guy@research.att.com)

The Descant of Man: songs from the British Isles (guy@research.att.com)

100 Years, 100 Stogies: the *un*authorized biography of George Burns (guy@research.att.com)

The Jingle Book: Kipling's advertising ditties (guy@research.att.com; also Canterlope)

The Volley of Fear, The Mound of the Baskervilles, and The Sign of Foul: Conan Doyle's little-known sports trilogy (guy@research.att.com)

Fax from the Madding Crowd: Rush Limbaugh discusses his fan mail (guy@research.att.com)

Bialy Budd: the seafaring baker (guy@research.att.com)

The Prisoner of Zendo: Koans from the clink (guy@research.att.com)

Patriot James: Madison bio (guy@research.att.com)

Tense and Sensibility and Return of the Dative: grammar texts (guy@research.att.com)

Primary Colons: an English textbook for college freshmen (SSchri6565; also Funsuiko)

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Menus: a treatise on extraterrestrial gynophagy (guy@research.att.com)

Men Are from Cars, Women are from Venus: grease monkeys and the ladies who love to be tuned up by them ( CYDs1TS)

The Way of All Flush: understanding your septic system and how it works (SMPolonsky)

Desire Under the Elks: sizzling drama about a love triangle between one woman and two members of the local men's club (SMPolonsky)

Alike in Wonderland: Lewis Carroll fantasy, as told by Tweedledee and Tweedledum (SMPolonsky)

Bleat House: autobiography of Little Bo Peep (SMPolonsky)

Volley of the Dolls: torrid expose of the women's tennis circuit. (SMPolonsky)

Much Ado About Mothing: a lepidopterist's handbook (SMPolonsky)

Of Mice and Min: Banned by Disney! Mickey's girlfriend and her illicit love-affairs with other rodents (Did you ever wonder how Speedy Gonzalez got his name? Not to mention Mighty Mouse...) (SMPolonsky)

The Cat in the Vat: feline-bathing guide (Corpswife)

Citizen Pane: an elderly gentlemen in an apartment feels it's his duty to keep an eye on the tenants next door (Jeanne2882)

The World According to Carp: tale told from a fish's point of view (Mstsuzanne)

The Mall on the Floss: a shopper's guide (mcampbll@Trimark.com)

Billy Fudd: seaman obsessed with a "Cwazy Wabbit" (RDH9995; also mcampbll)

TommyKnickers: a terrified boy and his demonic underpants (Phylwriter)

Silent Sprint: deaf runner wins 100 meters race in Olympic Games (BobCork)

Star Wart: how a growth on the nose of a little girl leads to her winning an Oscar (BobCork)

Dunces With Wolves: werewolf high-school dropouts (GracieGdNt)

The Art of Sensual Message: Internet love letters (GracieGdNt)

Lonesome Dave: talk show host reveals the price of fame (MARKOMAR)

The Confessions of Nut Turner: my year in a pecan sorting factory (MARKOMAR)

All the President's Yen: how Bill and Hillary made a killing in the currency markets (MARKOMAR)

The Chipping News: a monthly journal for sculptors (MARKOMAR)

How Green Was My Galley: vegetarian's guide to shipboard cooking (MARKOMAR)

Aesop's Tables: ancient guide to mathematical formulas (Ann Hill)

Valley of the Dills: three men's experiences in the sweet and sour world of the pickle industry (KGBRITE)

Lady Chatterley's Mover: frustrated married woman is transported by macho van driver (MRath40143; also RDH9995)

The Lard of the Rings: a woman discovers just why those takeout onion rings are so tasty (JBurke2900)

The Count of Monte Crisco: Lard inflates Edmond Dantes' cholesterol numbers (Rickwins; also JTyrr)

Far from the Padding Crowd: an ex-beauty queen coming to grips with the real world (JKiikka)

Slack Beauty: tips for those who reach their forties and notice everything's heading south (AKAARCHIE)

The Canterbury Sales: ad pages from Chaucer's England (Arieya)

True Brit: a loving look at the Queen Mum (HrtsDlite)

She Stomps to Conquer: power-hungry vineyard worker (toddm)

Ship of Foals: horses journey to the New World (toddm)

Calf of the Wild: Jack London's cow (toddm)

Intruder in the Bust: An indictment of silicon breast implants (WORDSWILD)

Bleak Mouse: the rise and fall of the Disney Empire (WORDSWILD; also ShedPot)

Goldilocks and the Three Beats: Ginsberg, Kerouac, and Corso travel cross-country with a gorgeous blond--it's poetry all the way (WORDSWILD)

Women Who Pun With Wolves: females in touch with their wild sides (MizTrish)

Lord of the Rungs: CEO's autobiography (ShedPot)

The Deerspayer: frontier vet proposes unique solution to deer overpopulation (RDH9995)

The French Convection: installing that oven you bought in Paris (RDH9995)

Pickelodeon: early movie owner goes broke because he sells gherkins while his competitors sell popcorn (RDH9995)

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sox (But Were Afraid to Ask): pet tips from Chelsea Clinton (RDH9995; also BarbPoet)

The Chino Syndrome: science fiction tale of people who suddenly give up blue jeans for wash pants (RDH9995)

Connery Row: actor Sean describes youthful brawl (RDH9995)

Helter Smelter: the Manson family targets a steel mill (RDH9995)

Northwest Massage: bio of a Seattle chiropractor (RDH9995)

A Separate Peach: story of the long-lost brother of Johnny Appleseed (Sethswi)

Everything You Wanted to Know About Sax (But Were Afraid to Ask): Kenny G gets really, really in-depth (RanDaVoo)

A Clear and Present Dancer: shocking expose documenting the illegal reindeer games, including photos of Mrs. Claus's scandalous behavior at the North Pole's infamous "Red Nose" district (GoRedRyder)

White Tang: the story of the development of artificial food coloring, and its role in the U. S. space program (CYDs1TS)

Original Din: mating calls of Adam and Eve (Hunny3)

A Moll's House: decorating hints from Mrs. Al Capone (Hunny3)

Wreathing Lessons: crafting door decor with Martha Stewart (Hunny3)

Let Us Now Braise Famous Men: recipes for celebrity cooking (Lmrk)

For Wham the Bell Tolls: the rise and fall of pop star George Michael (ZeldaBlue)

Wuthering Weights: the fourth Bronte sister's tale of a woman's love-hate relationship with her corset (BalkyNYC)

The Wearling: young farm girl grows up to become a clothes horse (Doropatent)

Wag and Remembrance: Herman Wouk's epic saga of the World War II K-9 Corps (VCRogers)

Remembrance of Things Fast: autobiography of Mario Andretti (BalkyNYC; also MARKOMAR)

The Gums of Navarone: a periodontal study of an Italian city (BKO102449)

The Ape of Innocence: Edith Wharton's exploration of Tarzan's youth (EPick16335)

Franny and Hooey: a teenage girl in spiritual crisis is lectured by her brother, who is completely full of it (Duvv)

A Confederacy of Dances: A pas de Dixie? (Robbabe)

Moll Slanders: A gangster saga of differentiating between da friend and Dafoe? (Robbabe)

The Baked and the Dead: an aspiring pastry chef hits the beaches of Normandy (Iarcher309)

As You Mike It: a technical guide to live audio recording (DickelRox)

The Tragedy of Othello, the Moon of Venice: a general's career is cut short when his trusted lieutenant persuades him to show his butt to the enemy army (DickelRox)

Dike Water for Chocolate: absorbing account of how the Netherlands caught Switzerland napping and brought off the trading coup of the century (Mezzomezzo)

Fratland: a Good Old Boy discovers there's a bigger world out there (Mezzomezzo)

Porn-Free: the future of the Internet (Mezzomezzo; also Unhunk)

Match 22: Liz Taylor looks back on her life and loves (Mezzomezzo)

The Naked Axe: confessions of Young George Washington (Mezzomezzo)

Concessions: Jean Jacques Rousseau looks back on a career hawking peanuts, corn dogs, and giant foam fingers at Yankee Stadium (Mezzomezzo)

Hard Tiles: the only Scrabble book you'll ever need (Mezzomezzo)

Flaubert's Carrot: combating writer's block (Mezzomezzo)

Native Soy: agribusiness expert makes compelling arguments for decreasing American reliance on beef and meeting the nation's protein needs through intensive cultivation of beans (Mezzomezzo)

The Grout: after graduation, college friends go through mortarfying experiences together (Mezzomezzo)

Lady Chatterley's Lower: scathing feminist critique of male writers' insistence on presenting lovers in the missionary position (Mezzomezzo)


Copyright © 1996 by The Atlantic Monthly Company. All rights reserved.