How to Tell if Your Husband Is Gay

From my Atlantic advice column, "What's Your Problem?":

Now that New York has approved it, gay marriage seems to be on the way. Critics argue that it will entice more people to come over to the gay side. My question is: Do you think gay marriage will cause some men and women who are straight to experiment with the gay life? How will I know if my husband is turning gay?

C.F., Hartford, Conn.

Dear C.F.,

Here are some ways to determine whether your husband may be turning gay:

After you load the dishwasher, does he take out all the dishes and rearrange them to make them fit in a more orderly fashion?

Has he recently shown an interest in fabric? Specifically, has he expressed an interest in picking out new fabrics for the living-room couch?

Does he know the lyrics to all the songs in Pippin?

Has he expressed a desire to have sexual intercourse with Colin Farrell and then settle down with him on the sunny Spanish island of Ibiza?

You know, as I look over this list, I realize that I myself fulfill 75 percent of the requirements for incipient gay husbandry, though I'll decline to reveal which ones.