From The Awl:
1. First of all, don't even think about getting on an airplane! What is wrong with you? What are you, some kind of daredevil??
2. When you must buy plane tickets because someone you love is having some bullshit wedding, think carefully about your seat choice. You might think you want to be near an emergency exit so that you can get on the chute first. But what if the emergency exit door blows off mid-flight? You'd be the first to get sucked out. Don't say, "I'll bring a parachute!" You can't--some people have asked about that, and it's not allowed. You also don't want to be too near the middle, because if the plane snaps in half, you'll end up hanging off the edge like Mufasa, and we all know how that ends.
The list continues. Read them all. They make perfect sense to me.