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AUTHOR: Thers of Whiskey Fire


LENGTH:  840 words


THESIS: Actually, Christmas really is all about materialism


CHARLES DICKENS'S CHRISTMAS SECRET: "You're supposed to root for Tiny Tim" so that "you don't feel like such an asshole when Scrooge shows up with a goose"


WHAT TINY TIM IS: A "poor little uninsured fucker" who doesn't actually need sneakers


WHAT DR. SEUSS'S GRINCH STORY FORGOT TO MENTION: "that Cindy Lou Who is a lying fucking corporate whore"


WHAT STARTED THIS WHOLE RANT: "Drinks and dinner" with Therswhisky's friend Toej


REFERENCES TO BEOWULF: 1


TYPES OF SHIT COVERED IN POST: "Horseshit," "happy horseshit," "'true meaning of Christmas' horseshit," "all sorts of other shit," "all that awesome shit you didn't have," "jack fucking shit," "pointless expensive shit," and "a shitload of silly propaganda"


HOW TO MAKE KWANZAA LESS 'PHONY': Sales on tube socks


AND ALSO: We should have seen the Dubai crash coming


ADVICE: "Have some more eggnog"


FURTHER ADVICE: When you see people building artificial islands, be suspicious


FINAL BENEDICTION: "Happy Gin Funnel Tuesday, a holiday I just invented, to be followed by Jameson's IV Drip Wednesdays, shoot me now, shoot me now"

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.