What’s Your Problem?

More
Nishant Choksi

First The Atlantic tells us that it’s the “end of men.” Goodbye, men. Then we get a cover story about the benefits for women of staying single—that they don’t even need men. My question is not why The Atlantic has become so seriously feminized. My question is, how can you, as a male writer, stand it?

B.P., Baltimore, Md.

Dear B.P.,

Actually, I stand it just fine. It turns out that men don’t need testicles for very much at all. And emasculation has various benefits. For instance, you should hear the Atlantic All-Male Castrati Chorus in action! Our interpretation of Handel’s Giulio Cesare was the talk of the NOW convention, and we’ve just been invited to be the opening act for a special run of The Vagina Monologues at Caesars Palace. And by the way, it’s not as if we’ve given up our testicles permanently: Human Resources keeps them in a humidor upstairs, and they promise to return them to us if we move on to jobs at other, more masculine magazines, such as Cosmo.

I recently published a cover story in a major national magazine extolling the merits of singledom—and now I’m getting deluged with marriage proposals from male readers. Should I accept?

K.B., New York, N.Y.

Dear K.B.,

Let me try to explain the economics of the journalism racket. You wrote a cover story for a “major national magazine” extolling the merits of single life for women. This marks the last time you will be able to write a cover story extolling the merits of single life for women. This is not good for your bottom line. But if you change your mind and decide to get married, you’ll get a whole new cover story in a major national magazine. You will also get a husband, and husbands, like magazine cover stories, can provide you with ephemeral ego satisfaction—plus they shovel snow and kill bugs. Some husbands have also been known to provide sexual services, such as intercourse, for their wives. Please try to avoid marrying someone who works at an overly feminized magazine, however, as he will not be able to execute certain of these male duties.

Back in my day, I was a campus radical. Now my son, who is an Ivy League graduate but mostly unemployed, wants to get more involved in Occupy Wall Street. Based on my history, it’s hard for me to tell him this is a bad idea, but I’m not impressed with this movement’s lack of focus and I think he would better serve his future by getting a job and moving out of our home. I know what I sound like, but I think that since my wife and I still support him financially, he should take what I have to say into consideration. Am I wrong?

H.L., Los Angeles, Calif.

Dear H.L.,

Your son’s desire raises several problems, not least of which is that he already lives in a socialist paradise—namely, your house—and so maybe he should stop complaining about the unfairness of life. I’m not critiquing his wish to see the world bettered for others, but might I make a couple of suggestions? Most Ivy League graduates are unaccustomed to pepper spray; perhaps he should spray himself in the face once or twice, to test his tolerance. He should also resist the urge to bring high-end camping equipment to protests—this will make him look fey and elitist.

Which is more spiteful: giving a gift that you know the recipient will hate, or accepting such a gift and pretending to love it, out of spite?

G.R., Corning, N.Y.

Dear G.R.,

I can just picture Christmas morning in your living room: the tree all lit up; the kids, still in their pajamas, gleefully opening their presents; the adults, sipping coffee and stabbing each other in the kidneys with the just-opened set of Williams-Sonoma fondue forks. Delightful! I’m not an advocate of the spiteful gesture—I prefer sullenness punctuated by bouts of glowering—but it is true that there is nothing more maddening to angry people than the sangfroid of those they are trying to infuriate.

To submit your question or request for advice, please e-mail advice@theatlantic.com. Include your full name and address.

Jump to comments
Presented by

Jeffrey Goldberg is a national correspondent for The Atlantic and a recipient of the National Magazine Award for Reporting. Author of the book Prisoners: A Story of Friendship and Terror, Goldberg also writes the magazine's advice column. More

Before joining The Atlantic in 2007, Goldberg was a Middle East correspondent, and the Washington correspondent, for The New Yorker. Previously, he served as a correspondent for The New York Times Magazine and New York magazine. He has also written for the Jewish Daily Forward, and was a columnist for The Jerusalem Post.

His book Prisoners was hailed as one of the best books of 2006 by the Los Angeles Times, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Slate, The Progressive, Washingtonian magazine, and Playboy. Goldberg rthe recipient of the 2003 National Magazine Award for Reporting for his coverage of Islamic terrorism. He is also the winner of the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists prize for best international investigative journalist; the Overseas Press Club award for best human-rights reporting; and the Abraham Cahan Prize in Journalism. He is also the recipient of 2005's Anti-Defamation League Daniel Pearl Prize.

In 2001, Goldberg was appointed the Syrkin Fellow in Letters of the Jerusalem Foundation, and in 2002 he became a public-policy scholar at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars in Washington, D.C.

Get Today's Top Stories in Your Inbox (preview)

'Stop Telling Women to Smile'

An artist's campaign to end sexual harassment on the streets of NYC.


Elsewhere on the web

Join the Discussion

After you comment, click Post. If you’re not already logged in you will be asked to log in or register. blog comments powered by Disqus

Video

Where Time Comes From

The clocks that coordinate your cellphone, GPS, and more

Video

Computer Vision Syndrome and You

Save your eyes. Take breaks.

Video

What Happens in 60 Seconds

Quantifying human activity around the world

Writers

Up
Down
More back issues, Sept 1995 to present.

Just In