Advice June 2011

What's Your Problem?

More
SETH

I recently had a technical malfunction with my iPhone. A friend sent me an invitation to a party and I meant to text back, “Hi, I don’t want to go to that party,” but I was typing quickly and wrote, “Ho, I don’t want to go to that party.” This friend recently broke up with a good friend of mine after she met another guy at a conference, so there is some sensitivity about her morals. Anyway, now she won’t talk to me. What should I do?

A.C., Washington, D.C.

Dear A.C.,

This is the result either of sloppy typing or of the “autocorrect” feature on your iPhone, which is a wonderful thing, except when it turns the word marinate into masturbate. Your options are limited: You can bring her the phone in question and demonstrate how the mistake was made. You can explain that if you had intended to compare her to a prostitute, you would have done so in a more comprehensive manner. Or you can find a friend with a better sense of humor.

Can you tell me the best way to propose to a woman?

C.F., Madison, Wis.

Dear C.F.,

Honestly, quickly, privately. First rule, no spectacle: no offers of matrimony during halftime at Giants Stadium, and no pretend-spontaneous proposals on the Today show or anything hosted by Howie Mandel. It is best to avoid putting a woman in a position in which she finds herself too embarrassed, or overcome by television studio lights, to say no. Second rule, spit it out. You will be acting strangely, and possibly sweating uncontrollably, in the hours before you propose. This behavior could, over time, alienate her, so it is best to propose well before dessert. Third rule, verbosity is not a sin. Outline for her, at great length if necessary, her various extraordinary attributes, and why you cannot live without them. Fourth rule, do not be too honest. As you hand her the ring, do not say, for example, “You win” or “Okay, I give up.”

In the wake of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami disaster, I’ve become worried about the chance that there is radiation in my sushi. Is it right to be worried?

P.D., Long Beach, Calif.

Dear P.D.,

Sarah Silverman once said that 9/11 was devastating for her because it was the day she discovered that her soy chai latte had 900 calories. I feel much the same about your question, but I will try to answer it anyway. You would be right to worry if you were dining in the cafeteria of the Fukushima nuclear-power plant. But the truth is that your sushi probably does not come from Japan at all; less than 1 percent of the sushi-grade fish consumed in America does. And you must have some faith that the FDA, which monitors the fish trade, is keeping an eye out for radioactive filets. Moreover, we can hope that the devices installed by the Department of Homeland Security at American ports to prevent the importation of nuclear weapons will also detect nuclear tuna. If you need to worry about something, worry about mercury. Also, sushi is raw.

My wife and I take turns selecting which movies to rent for us to watch together. I like Woody Allen movies, but she cannot stand them. Should I keep selecting them when it is my turn, in the hope that she will come around?

S.K., Bloomfield, Ky.

Dear S.K.,

Usually when women say they “cannot stand” something, that is simply girl code for “I haven’t done it enough to agree with your point of view, but if you keep pushing me, I will undoubtedly see that you are right.” As a test case, try treating your wife to a weekend-long marathon of repeat viewings of Melinda and Melinda and Cassandra’s Dream. Eventually, she’ll come around.

Jump to comments
Presented by

Jeffrey Goldberg is a national correspondent for The Atlantic and a recipient of the National Magazine Award for Reporting. Author of the book Prisoners: A Story of Friendship and Terror, Goldberg also writes the magazine's advice column. More

Before joining The Atlantic in 2007, Goldberg was a Middle East correspondent, and the Washington correspondent, for The New Yorker. Previously, he served as a correspondent for The New York Times Magazine and New York magazine. He has also written for the Jewish Daily Forward, and was a columnist for The Jerusalem Post.

His book Prisoners was hailed as one of the best books of 2006 by the Los Angeles Times, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Slate, The Progressive, Washingtonian magazine, and Playboy. Goldberg rthe recipient of the 2003 National Magazine Award for Reporting for his coverage of Islamic terrorism. He is also the winner of the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists prize for best international investigative journalist; the Overseas Press Club award for best human-rights reporting; and the Abraham Cahan Prize in Journalism. He is also the recipient of 2005's Anti-Defamation League Daniel Pearl Prize.

In 2001, Goldberg was appointed the Syrkin Fellow in Letters of the Jerusalem Foundation, and in 2002 he became a public-policy scholar at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars in Washington, D.C.

Get Today's Top Stories in Your Inbox (preview)

The Time JFK Called the Air Force to Complain About a 'Silly Bastard'

51 years ago, President John F. Kennedy made a very angry phone call.


Elsewhere on the web

Join the Discussion

After you comment, click Post. If you’re not already logged in you will be asked to log in or register. blog comments powered by Disqus

Video

Adventures in Legal Weed

Colorado is now well into its first year as the first state to legalize recreational marijuana. How's it going? James Hamblin visits Aspen.

Video

What Makes a Story Great?

The storytellers behind House of CardsandThis American Life reflect on the creative process.

Video

Tracing Sriracha's Origin to Thailand

Ever wonder how the wildly popular hot sauce got its name? It all started in Si Racha.

Video

Where Confiscated Wildlife Ends Up

A government facility outside of Denver houses more than a million products of the illegal wildlife trade, from tigers and bears to bald eagles.

Video

Is Wine Healthy?

James Hamblin prepares to impress his date with knowledge about the health benefits of wine.

Video

The World's Largest Balloon Festival

Nine days, more than 700 balloons, and a whole lot of hot air

Writers

Up
Down
More back issues, Sept 1995 to present.

Just In