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Basketball legend Herb Fungus was clocked early this morning by the local police driving his Lambor-ghini at 29 mph in a 30-mph zone and staying in his lane after attending an all-night party. "No weaving, no line crossing, nothing," marveled a police officer at the scene.

Outfielder Ty Pesko spotted a suspicious character outside his team's clubhouse today, flaunting a large shopping bag full of banned steroids, and demanded that a nearby security guard kick him off the premises, pronto.

Slugging All-Star third baseman Brady Suggs has declined a $102 million Yankee contract offer and will stay with his financially troubled last-place club—"hopefully for the rest of my life," he beamed. "It would let the fans down if I just picked up and left, and they've been so darn nice to me. Loyalty works both ways, you know!"

TV and newspaper reporters have filed an official complaint against the notoriously approachable ten-time MVP Al Bogus for following them around the clubhouse before and after games and butting in on other interviews to spill his innermost thoughts about his on- and off-field mistakes, his recent divorce, his alleged drug use, and world hunger. "Why can't he just leave us alone?" snarled one reporter.

A parking-lot brawl that erupted outside a Houston after-hours club early today left five-time All-Pro tackle Kent Kubble unscathed as he lay sleeping in his hotel room twenty miles away, having turned in at 10:00 P.M. the previous night after watching Everybody Loves Raymond and phoning his kids back home in Cambridge, Massachusetts, to say nighty-night.

Chosen first overall in the 2004 NBA draft, eighteen-year-old high school star Alwon Jikes was charged today with owing more than $13 in library fines after taking out several books last winter for the express purpose of indulging in an Edna St. Vincent Millay orgy and then failing to return them on time.

Toronto police officers discovered six teddy bears and cookie-baking paraphernalia in the trunk of a car being driven by hockey idol Max McNugget early today. The four-time goal-scoring leader was held for kidding and then released.

Chicago Bears Hall of Famer Ticonderoga Welby Jr. has pleaded no contest to a charge of spousal non-abuse after giving his wife, Serena, a $100,000 diamond bracelet to make up for recently forgetting to pick up a quart of milk on the way home.

Veteran pitcher Oland Tiggle, who retired at the end of last season, announced today that he plans to stay retired. "I thought it through and made up my mind," he said, "and to reverse that decision now would make me out to be some kind of fickle idiot—and be so embarrassing."

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