My Sex Mentors

Barbara Stanwyck, meet Janet Reno

DON'T know whether it's true, but my husband claims I cut myself off from him and it's wrecking our life. Am I depressed? Don't I realize the fun before us -- a lifetime of bouncing on a lifetime of beds stretching into the twenty-first century? Because that's all it is. He'll prove it again -- if I need proof -- right now! That's what he says.

This morning, when I realized I was sitting in my nightie actually wringing my hands, I canceled my dentist appointment and tried to just lounge around till I had to get up and start packing, because we are going on vacation tomorrow. I turned on C-SPAN and watched Janet Reno in a press conference till the tension got to me. Then I flipped to a movie, and there was Barbara Stanwyck, sitting against a background of venetian blinds being told by a suave gangster that he was going to buy a racing stable but the deed would be in her name, because she was "clean" (a fantastic chance for her to double-cross him in the future). She just said ignorantly, "But I don't know anything about horse racing!" I felt sorry for her; her hair had been very tightly pin curled and she looked half-witted.

I changed it back to Janet Reno. In fact, my husband was on a plane with Janet Reno last week. (She rides way in the back, in the ordinary small seats.) If they'd happened to get into conversation, she could have told him that as a woman, I'm supposed to get plenty of say in what I do in my sex life. Surely that's U.S. law!

Then I flipped over again. It was an outdoor scene. Barbara Stanwyck was leaning on a fence with an attractive elderly man, sort of like E. B. White only with a stopwatch, and they were rejoicing at how fast a young filly named Happy Girl had just flashed by. Obviously Barbara's character was having the simple pleasures that I think a slum background had made impossible for her up till now.

Of course, I feel more comfortable with Barbara Stanwyck when she's mean and wily (though that didn't keep me from feeling sorry for her when she had those bangs like awnings in Double). I was wondering what she would advise me to do or say when he says that "it's just bouncing on beds and it's just fun" thing about something that to me -- the woman -- is more akin to, well, alligator wrestling! I closed my eyes, trying to imagine what her advice might be. Her face flickered up to me as if from the bottom of a dark pool when I pictured her in Ball of Fire -- always either in a showgirl costume or in Gary Cooper's bathrobe, which he gave her just to help her out -- and I thought about The Lady Eve and Remember the Night, the most touching movie ever made. I conjured up the hurt expressions Henry Fonda and Gary Cooper wore while she was doing mean things to them. (I did not think about those movies where she co-starred with Wendell Corey -- too confusing.) Why, she'd say I should live my own life. Then, when I still looked blank, she'd say, "Honey, are you in a jam?"

NOT like my mother, whose genteel face would harden and she'd say, "You be nice to Mr. So and So," in tones of menace. Unrelieved obedience that would make my husband turn pale! It was like that when I was three, and it was like that when I was eighteen. Be nice to Mr. So and So! Unless Mr. So and So wasn't nice to her! Because if he wasn't her special friend too, then forget it; even if Mr. So and So was my own boyfriend I'd never get to see him. It was ten times weirder than Stella Dallas!

Presented by

How to Cook Spaghetti Squash (and Why)

Cooking for yourself is one of the surest ways to eat well. Bestselling author Mark Bittman teaches James Hamblin the recipe that everyone is Googling.

Join the Discussion

After you comment, click Post. If you’re not already logged in you will be asked to log in or register.

blog comments powered by Disqus


How to Cook Spaghetti Squash (and Why)

Cooking for yourself is one of the surest ways to eat well.


Before Tinder, a Tree

Looking for your soulmate? Write a letter to the "Bridegroom's Oak" in Germany.


The Health Benefits of Going Outside

People spend too much time indoors. One solution: ecotherapy.


Where High Tech Meets the 1950s

Why did Green Bank, West Virginia, ban wireless signals? For science.


Yes, Quidditch Is Real

How J.K. Rowling's magical sport spread from Hogwarts to college campuses


Would You Live in a Treehouse?

A treehouse can be an ideal office space, vacation rental, and way of reconnecting with your youth.
More back issues, Sept 1995 to present.

Just In