The Right to Bear Arms

A satire of Second Amendment activism
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“WHEN GUNS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE GUNS.”

No truer bumper sticker was ever designed. Will criminals give up their guns if firearms are banned? Will mobsters register or apply for licenses? Hardly. It is you and I, the law-abiding, peace-loving citizens, who will follow the laws while less desirable elements pile up weapons. We do not need more legislation that violates the right to bear arms-a right as American as thiamine, niacin, and riboflavin-we need education in the legitimate use of guns. Therefore, the facts are presented in what follows.

I. WHAT ABOUT LOCAL GUN CONTROL?

A. THE DANGERS OF AN UNARMED CITY OR TOWN

I. Invasion. Locally controlled, New York City could be attacked by Rye. Or imagine D.C. unilaterally instituting controls while Chevy Chase is wide open.

2. Bootlegging and revenue loss. If Chicago limits gun purchasing, Calumet City will have another contraband industry, and they already have so many.

3. Flight to the suburbs. Or flight to the inner city. All around messy population shills, depending on the availability of firearms. Dogdays, Arizona, for example, already has its quota of Puerto Ricans.

4. Proliferation of bizarre weapons. See Figure 1. Examples of such weapons have beer found in studies of inner-city neighbor hoods before the invention of the wheel lock pistol.

HANDGUNS, MYTH AND FACT

A. CONTROL. Gun-control exponents argue that banning the handgun alone will reduce crime and not interfere with the pleasures of
sportsmen. This is simply not true. Handguns cannot be lumped into one category; there are as many types as there are people and good reasons to use them. As you can see from the illustrations, handguns can be used in a variety of sports.

B. TYPES OF HANDGUNS

1. The "Captain Kangaroo." So named because it blows a kid's mind when he finds one under the Christmas tree. Ideal for young marksmen. Fig. 2 (a).

2. The "Family Planner." Very inexpensive, thus ideal for large families. Everyone in the clan can afford one of these babies and "sibling rivalry" can be eliminated. Fig. 2 (b).

3. The "Marriage Counselor." Its cute knife and fork design makes it a good shower or wedding gift. Can be bought in any silver pattern and put on order at the bridal registry at cooperating department stores. Matching larger pieces. Fig. 2 (c).

4. The "Gestalt." A German make. People get your point right away without a lot of explaining. Fig. 2 (d).

5. The "Sensitivity Special" or "Group Therapy." Its dumdum bullets open a person up to others. Favored by police trying to improve neighborhood communications.

C. HANDGUNS, TRUE OR FALSE

I. If handguns had been banned in early America, Alexander Hamilton would be alive today. False. In the year 1976, Alexander Hamilton would be 219 years old, an age rarely attained in the modern world.

2. Handguns are responsible for 95 percent of the 7000 murders committed annually in America. False. As we know, statistics lie. Handguns are responsible for 87 percent of these unfortunate happenings.

3. Seventy-three percent of the citizens of the United States, when polled, favored some form of handgun control. False. Well-not all the way false. But this political question cannot be answered simplistically. The point is, should 73 percent of the people be allowed to force its will on a group so clearly in the right?

III. SAFETY

This is the key factor to the enjoyment of firearms. People must be taught to use guns discreetly. Several ways to avoid accidents are:

A. Keep your gun, but keep it under lock and key or put it in a safe-deposit box out of the reach of children.

B. Disassemble the firearm kept in the home. Control advocates make fun of this advice, but only because they are too lazy to follow the convenient steps to assemble the gun. Do not wait until an emergency arises; practice putting the firearm together according to the simple diagram (Fig. 3).

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