The Right to Bear Arms

A satire of Second Amendment activism
More

“WHEN GUNS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE GUNS.”

No truer bumper sticker was ever designed. Will criminals give up their guns if firearms are banned? Will mobsters register or apply for licenses? Hardly. It is you and I, the law-abiding, peace-loving citizens, who will follow the laws while less desirable elements pile up weapons. We do not need more legislation that violates the right to bear arms-a right as American as thiamine, niacin, and riboflavin-we need education in the legitimate use of guns. Therefore, the facts are presented in what follows.

I. WHAT ABOUT LOCAL GUN CONTROL?

A. THE DANGERS OF AN UNARMED CITY OR TOWN

I. Invasion. Locally controlled, New York City could be attacked by Rye. Or imagine D.C. unilaterally instituting controls while Chevy Chase is wide open.

2. Bootlegging and revenue loss. If Chicago limits gun purchasing, Calumet City will have another contraband industry, and they already have so many.

3. Flight to the suburbs. Or flight to the inner city. All around messy population shills, depending on the availability of firearms. Dogdays, Arizona, for example, already has its quota of Puerto Ricans.

4. Proliferation of bizarre weapons. See Figure 1. Examples of such weapons have beer found in studies of inner-city neighbor hoods before the invention of the wheel lock pistol.

HANDGUNS, MYTH AND FACT

A. CONTROL. Gun-control exponents argue that banning the handgun alone will reduce crime and not interfere with the pleasures of
sportsmen. This is simply not true. Handguns cannot be lumped into one category; there are as many types as there are people and good reasons to use them. As you can see from the illustrations, handguns can be used in a variety of sports.

B. TYPES OF HANDGUNS

1. The "Captain Kangaroo." So named because it blows a kid's mind when he finds one under the Christmas tree. Ideal for young marksmen. Fig. 2 (a).

2. The "Family Planner." Very inexpensive, thus ideal for large families. Everyone in the clan can afford one of these babies and "sibling rivalry" can be eliminated. Fig. 2 (b).

3. The "Marriage Counselor." Its cute knife and fork design makes it a good shower or wedding gift. Can be bought in any silver pattern and put on order at the bridal registry at cooperating department stores. Matching larger pieces. Fig. 2 (c).

4. The "Gestalt." A German make. People get your point right away without a lot of explaining. Fig. 2 (d).

5. The "Sensitivity Special" or "Group Therapy." Its dumdum bullets open a person up to others. Favored by police trying to improve neighborhood communications.

C. HANDGUNS, TRUE OR FALSE

I. If handguns had been banned in early America, Alexander Hamilton would be alive today. False. In the year 1976, Alexander Hamilton would be 219 years old, an age rarely attained in the modern world.

2. Handguns are responsible for 95 percent of the 7000 murders committed annually in America. False. As we know, statistics lie. Handguns are responsible for 87 percent of these unfortunate happenings.

3. Seventy-three percent of the citizens of the United States, when polled, favored some form of handgun control. False. Well-not all the way false. But this political question cannot be answered simplistically. The point is, should 73 percent of the people be allowed to force its will on a group so clearly in the right?

III. SAFETY

This is the key factor to the enjoyment of firearms. People must be taught to use guns discreetly. Several ways to avoid accidents are:

A. Keep your gun, but keep it under lock and key or put it in a safe-deposit box out of the reach of children.

B. Disassemble the firearm kept in the home. Control advocates make fun of this advice, but only because they are too lazy to follow the convenient steps to assemble the gun. Do not wait until an emergency arises; practice putting the firearm together according to the simple diagram (Fig. 3).

C. Use the gun for target practice and legitimate killing. Avoid Russian Roulette, "Chicken," and other childish games.

D. Be sure that you clearly identify persons entering the home or business as "undesirable" or "criminal." A Pansy R. of Cincinnati was sent up for life because of confusing a raccoon and a mail carrier.

Fig. 3: Assembling the firearm

Fig. 4: Radical Third World groups

IV. POLITICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL

All forms of gun control are subversive and un-American. Consider these questions and issues:

A. Where would the Hungarian patriots be today if they had not possessed handguns to combat Soviet tanks?

B. Gun control will not prevent outlaws from obtaining arms; arms will be available Ii organized crime and will also fall into 1i hands of radical Third World groups (see Fig. 4).

C. Without guns, how will we be able to tell men from women? (Fig. 5) People make fun of John Wayne, but Americans know in their hearts that women prefer the man who shoots his own squirrels.

D. In their powerful propaganda, the gun control lobby has painted the American gill lover as a fascist or a trigger-happy thug. This is another of their vicious half-truths. Most guns are used for target practice, field spoils and in conservation. Large herds of while tailed deer have been saved from starvation by rifle clubs.

E. The banning even of the "Saturday Nigh Special" has political implications. Should shooting be an elite activity, only for the rich man's pleasure, or open to all on a democratic basis? The Special is the cheapest, most easily obtainable firearm, available to rid man, poor man, beggar man, thief.

V. GUNS AND VIOLENCE

It cannot be emphasized too often that when used properly, guns do not promote, but reduce, violence. The following true cases have been reported:

A. In a suburb of Detroit, a rash of crimes was brought to a halt when, against the advice of the police commissioner, the local French Restaurant Association set up a handgun program and the headwaiters shot twelve prospective muggers (six fatally, and six on the critical list).

Before buying a "Saturday Night Special," Mrs. John Green, owner of a Dayton, Ohio, pony keg, was robbed five times. On the sixth attempt, she shot her would-be holdup man in the left leg. The following night, the same man (he was wearing a bandage on his left leg) returned for a seventh attempt, but Mrs. Green beat him to the draw and shot him in the other leg. He'll never walk again.

The home of Mr. and Mrs. J. of New York State had been regularly burglarized by a group of juvenile delinquents until. Mr. J. obtained a rifle with a telescopic lens and killed four teen-agers as they approached his property.

An eighty-year-old grandmother in Miami, Florida, rigged up a burglar alarm consisting of a wire connected to a handgun. When a burglar tripped the device, it blew his head off.

Many professional criminals have stated under oath that they fear not the police or the penitentiary, but an armed public.

IN CONCLUSION: Not only do we owe ourselves protection, but we must not let a few bleeding hearts destroy our basic rights and institutions. As Bill Cojones, manufacturer of the popular "Dallas Repeater," writes, gun control brings totalitarianism and regimentation. Licensing and registration would require the prospective purchaser of a firearm to fill out a lengthy application and undergo at least a five-day waiting period before acquiring the desired item. Isn't it bad enough that we already have to do this to get a library card?

Jump to comments
Presented by
Get Today's Top Stories in Your Inbox (preview)

Sad Desk Lunch: Is This How You Want to Die?

How to avoid working through lunch, and diseases related to social isolation.


Elsewhere on the web

Join the Discussion

After you comment, click Post. If you’re not already logged in you will be asked to log in or register. blog comments powered by Disqus

Video

Where Time Comes From

The clocks that coordinate your cellphone, GPS, and more

Video

Computer Vision Syndrome and You

Save your eyes. Take breaks.

Video

What Happens in 60 Seconds

Quantifying human activity around the world

Writers

Up
Down

More in National

More back issues, Sept 1995 to present.

Just In