Ayatollah Khamenei Talks to a Chair

By Jeffrey Goldberg

The scene: The ayatollah's bunker, midnight. The ayatollah walks in, steamed and cursing. He turns to a chair:

Ayatollah Khamenei: 'All options are on the table, huh?' I got your options right here, buddy-boy.

(Pause)

Ayatollah Khamenei: Really? Are you kidding? You could set back our nuclear program 10 years? What are you smoking? You know, I liked you when you first got elected. I figured I could game you -- peaceful nuclear program, all that bullshit. But now you're just a pain in my ass.

(Pause)

Ayatollah Khamenei: Excuse me? Excuuuuse me? You didn't just say that, did you? Ahmadinejad? That clown? You're comparing me to a clown? The guy is a clown. I'm theĀ  supreme effing leader. Supreme leader! Much better title than you have. 'President.' That's a title for a woman, or a Jew. Or a Jewish woman. Like Debbie Wasserman Schultz. If you're really so powerful, Mr. President, why don't you just do it, why don't you just bomb Fordow already?

(Pause)

Ayatollah Khamenei; That's what I thought. Too chickenshit. Going to hide behind the perfidious Zionist entity like always, right? It's time for you to go. Why am I even talking to you?

(Turns to second chair)

Ayatollah Khamenei: Bibi, you're a disgusting Jew. If you were a real man, you'd attack Natanz. Holocaust this, Holocaust that, I'm sick of it. Whine, whine, whine. About something that didn't even happen! I'll give Mahmoud this: He's right about one thing.

This article available online at:

http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/08/ayatollah-khamenei-talks-to-a-chair/261831/