When Being Childless Isn’t a Choice

Couples without kids have recently been celebrated in the West, but in some countries they still face ostracism and abuse.
Childless couples sit with newly adopted babies, Fatima (left) and Zainab (right), at the Chhipa Welfare Association office in Karachi, Pakistan. (Athar Hussain/Reuters)

Western couples opting for the “childfree lifestyle” are getting increasing media coverage, with their childlessness often presented as an alternative lifestyle, not unlike being a hipster or a foodie. Guardian writer Jill Filipovic said that the choice not to have children is “admirable.” Others argue that women who choose to be childfree are selfish. A Time article about childfree living featured a “self-satisfied” and “lazy yuppie” couple on the cover in matching turquoise swimsuits.

But in places such as Uganda, India, China, and Uzbekistan, being childfree is unheard of, and not having children can result in derision, ostracism, assault, and even death. In places where being a mother is a prerequisite for being a woman, women are seen as defective and irresponsible for not reproducing. Research from the University of Ado-Ekitii in Nigeria showed that there, it’s considered acceptable for a man to seek fatherhood outside his marriage, either by marrying a second wife, or by having an affair, if his wife isn’t pregnant within a year of marriage.

Even though men are responsible for infertility in 50 percent of all cases, women are the ones who bear the shame. Nigerian novelist Sefi Atta breaks down this cultural phenomenon in Everything Good Will Come and Swallow. The main character in Swallow, Tolani, says to her roommate, “You know that if a woman is infertile she can’t hide it. If a man is sterile, no one has to know. Understand? The wife finds someone else to father her child, and keeps the whole thing secret.” Andrew Dosunmu’s 2013 film Mother of George follows a newlywed Nigerian couple living in New York City as they struggle to get pregnant, addressing pressure that’s difficult to escape even when in a completely different setting.

This burden is not unique to Africa. In Uzbekistan, where “life centers around children and a big family is the definition of personal success,” forced sterilization is on the rise due to a government attempt at population control, but women who are subjected to this violation of their rights face even further discrimination for not being able to have large families as is culturally expected. Adolat, an Uzbekistani woman who was forced to undergo forced sterilization, told the BBC that she considers herself a failure. “What am I after what happened to me? I always dreamed of having four—two daughters and two sons— but after my second daughter I couldn't get pregnant.”

As blogger IndianFeminist101 wrote, “In Indian society having kids is de facto and voluntarily not having kids is so exceptional that there is very little mainstream discussion about it.” In India, as well as Bangladesh and Pakistan, so much of a woman’s identity is based on how many children she has, that those who don’t reproduce sometimes endure awful treatment. Their marriages suffer, they are mistreated by their in-laws and friends, are left out of family events, criticized, prevented from seeking medical care, and occasionally starved.

In many developing countries, there is often no social security for ageing people, the idea being that children take care of the old. People who don’t have children are “viewed as a burden on the socioeconomic well-being of a community,” as Sheryl Vanderpoel, from the Reproductive Health and Research Department at the World Health Organization put it.

Presented by

Doreen Akiyo Yomoah

Doreen Akiyo Yomoah is a writer based in London.

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