'How to Kiss'

By James Hamblin

From the creators of the unironic "How to Undo Her Bra With One Hand" -- viewed 55 million sad times on YouTube -- comes "How to Kiss Nice and Long"

Our video editor Kasia Cieplak-Mayr von Baldegg just told me this new kissing tutorial is getting popular quickly, like past Howcast intimacy-related videos. ("Howcast: The best how-to videos on the web") 

She said I'd think it was funny, which I somewhat did -- until the end, when this man and woman earnestly make out, at which point I died.

We learn three things about kissing:

  1. Don't forget to to breathe.
  2. Brace yourself such that "when you need to stop and breathe, [you can] just pull away." Don't exhale into the other person's mouth -- not firstly because it's very weird, but because of the dangers of carbon dioxide.
  3. [Things learned from watching strangers make out]

The step-back lesson, though, seems the same as from their bra unhooking video: That 55 million (men) watched it makes us look very much like ogres. If you've never unhooked a bra, don't be concerned about doing it with one hand your first time. If you have unhooked a bra, though, then you know how it works. "How to Unhook a Hook." 

The first time you make out, pretty much everyone forgets to breathe and passes out. That just means you're into it. You get back up and keep going. Eventually, breathing becomes second nature. Until then, if you do "just pull away" every time you need to breathe, it would be adorable.

In the right context, there are legitimate points to be made about how to be a better kisser. For example, don't maintain a defensive position, bracing yourself to pull away.

There are other Howcast "How to Kiss" editions, and they universally culminate in serious kissing. But don't worry about all of this being too progressive. One clearly includes the advice, "Ladies, you want to let the man be in the driver's seat ... Let him set the pace for the kiss."

Also, for pirates, "How to Unhook a Bra Hook With a Hook" would be interesting.


Update 3/22/13: New techniques

This article available online at:

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/12/how-to-kiss/265871/