Cartons of Costco muffins would disappear in an afternoon. Half-gallons of ice cream and liters of chocolate milk would be gobbled down in minutes. Then I’d hear him plowing away at his stationary bicycle into the night, lifting and groaning for hours on end. For him, exercise and food were always at war. Any truce between the two was unimaginable. And as for me, I just embraced the food angle and eschewed exercise completely. Neither of us have a history of good bodily decisions.
When my wife became a personal trainer, I naturally experienced a profound sense of dread. The two of us met in a Fiction MFA program in graduate school, and both come from creative backgrounds. I was an aspiring novelist; she, a talented writer and editor. She loved food just as much as I did, and was typically game for weekend-long television marathons; when we married, I never thought her love of fitness classes would turn her (and thus, me) toward the path of Lululemon and muscle shirts.
It wasn’t that I feared she would push me to join her at the gym. I just couldn’t understand how she was able to even enter one without embracing the same code of conduct I’d witnessed in my father and those like him throughout my life. Whenever I thought of exercising, I thought about all the years of not measuring up–of having poor balance and being mocked by the strong. How could my wife join the ranks of those I considered my archenemies?
It took a while for me to understand, however, that more than anything I had become my own enemy. Sure, there are a lot of people who treat self-improvement like they’re trying to survive a zombie apocalypse. But there are also people who can’t seem to see the positive effects of physicality on a daily basis. My outlook in particular began to change when my wife–after months of subtle cajoling–got me to attend a yoga-like/Pilates/stretch class with her at a studio near our Bay Area home.
I was skeptical, thinking I’d have to put up with some more thick-necked men with sweat-glistened chests, snorting nostrils, and mocking stares. But instead, I saw people who were awkward like me, trying to find their balance, even recovering from injuries. The class itself was led by a woman who approached the body intellectually and with a sense of discovery.
For my wife, exercise wasn’t about competition. It was about what makes you feel better. After the class I took with her, as opposed to feeling repulsed, I realized that my body had been asking me to treat it better for a long, long time. I also came to understand that I wasn’t the only person with insecurities when it came to physical activity. Everyone in the class had imperfect postures, oddly shaped bodies and off-kilter balance. The feeling for me was liberating to such an extent that I continued to go back—sometimes by myself.
I graduated from there to yoga, occasional bike riding, and a commitment to walking at least three miles a day. At one point I even took a spin class. It was taught by a female version of my father, decked out in fire-red Capri pants, and the class itself, ensconced in a room full of mirrors and neon lighting, made me feel like I was inside some horrific combination of a Euro-discotheque and The Hunger Games.
It wasn’t a wholly pleasant experience, but it was a choice I made on my own, and which led me to awaken to other forms of self-maintenance. Now I’m even considering taking up aikido and flirting, distantly, with the idea of half marathons.
Recently, my father turned 60. My wife and I went out with him to dinner, and he showed up in an opalescent white suit. He’s a lot less intense of a man than he was in his youth. He eats smaller portions of food. He plays tennis three days a week and talks more quietly. He even asks my wife questions about fitness—knowing, perhaps, that he’s missed something along the way. Sometimes he’ll tell me things like, “You’ve lost weight,” even if I haven’t. Other times he’ll just say, “You look good.”
Though I’m not totally comfortable admitting it, his compliments strike a chord.
I never thought I’d be searching for acknowledgment in the energy-jacked world I’ve been running from all my life. But I’ve come to realize that as a young boy, all I needed to be told was that there were different ways to move; ways that weren’t worse just because they weren’t competitive. I needed to hear that being fit isn’t always a contest, that in many cases it’s anything but. If I could go back to tell that kid in second-grade gym class one thing, it would be that it’s okay not to want to climb the rope. That someday you’ll be able to decide for yourself, with both feet planted firmly on the ground.