The Moose Cleanse

Any weight lost while on the moose cleanse is incidental.

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Did you know that pound for pound, the moose is the leanest ruminant on earth? It's true. Moose are very in tune with their natural surroundings. The cavemen understood this, so why don't we? Ever see a moose drop dead of a heart attack? Or turn down some bark because it's worried about blood sugar levels?

Of course not. 

It's an unfortunate reality of life that toxins are constantly building up in our bodies. 

A moose cleanse is a natural way to release those toxins, to give your body a break. It's pure, it's simple, and it's natural. A moose is both in the forest and of the forest. And after just a few days on the moose cleanse, you will be too.

Moose cleansing is not a diet -- it's a way of life. Any weight loss you may experience during a moose cleanse is incidental. You'll feel better, and you may find your jeans fitting a bit more loosely, but this is a whole-body approach to nutrition and wellness. You can take control of your health and your life.

If you truly commit to the moose cleanse and listen to what your body is telling you, your system will find a way to get the air it needs.

A few years ago, almost by accident, I started my first moose cleanse. After the first couple of days, I started to realize the amazing benefits of moose cleansing in my own life and realized that I wanted to share this with others. 

Look, your body works hard to break nutrients down into usable forms of energy, and sometimes your digestive system needs a break from digesting. Just like how sometimes your skin needs a rest from holding all your organs inside of you, or how your blood needs to take a rest from transporting dissolved gases away from your lungs.

In a society of excess full of toxins, pollutions, electricity, looking, and toxins, a moose cleanse can help you rediscover your needs, balance your body (no more falling!), maybe lose a few pounds, and generally feel better. It's also very good for eliminating toxins from your system.

What is a toxin? It may surprise you to learn how many toxins we come in contact with during the course of an ordinary day: Sitting, computers, materialism, smelling, desserts (Japanese), metal, not saying yes to yourself, hesitation, textiles, cooking, recession, texting, chewing, desserts (Western), low self-esteem, tight hamstrings, suffering, parents, yoga (non-Bikram), yoga (all other kinds), shoes, vaccines, doctors, books, driving, cooking, shameful sex dreams, exciting sex dreams, and folding.

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On the moose cleanse, your body can use the energy you save from digestion to clean out old matter (stool, bacteria, and sausage) from the small intestine, making it even smaller and more efficient. The average person holds 5 to 10 pounds of toxic matter in their intestines, and moose cleansing is the ideal way to release it, giving the rest of your body a chance to heal itself from all that poisonous eating. Think of it as a "detox" from the normal way your body breaks down food and turns it into energy. No wonder people on the moose cleanse report an increased vitality, vibrant skin elasticity, fewer illnesses, and more acute mental awareness -- that's just the beginning of what your body is capable of doing when you're not wasting time and effort on breaking down nutrients.

When you moose, you'll be able to process way more birch through bark stripping than you could ever just eat at one time. This way you maximize the nutritional benefits of ingesting 10, even 15 pounds of roughage every day. Without the added burden of birch digestion - which takes a lot of time and energy - your body will be free to detoxify your liver and kidneys. Your digestive system will return to an ideal alkalized state. Best of all, your glands and hormonal levels will stabilize: no more wandering thymus!

That's not to say that birch will be the only thing you're allowed to consume on this program. Far from it! On the moose cleanse, about half of your food intake should come from aquatic plants. When you realize the extent of the abundant array of pondweeds, water lilies, algae, and watercress available to you, you won't feel deprived for a minute.

Because moose don't have upper front teeth, you'll want to make sure to avoid using yours whenever possible in order to extract the maximum possible benefits from your food. Instead, the moose has a very sensitive prehensile lip that helps them grab hard-to-reach plants and distinguish between twigs and shoots. You'll want to do the same. Whether you're grabbing water lilies up by the base roots and all or stripping an entire branch of leaves in a single mouthful, your prehensile upper lip is your best friend when it comes to maximizing plant matter intake.

Did you know that moose are the only member of the deer family that can eat while underwater? Take note: from now on, so do you.

I know what you're thinking: "I could never do that! How would I breathe?" Look, I get that right now, at the stage you're at, it seems impossible. You're used to sitting down and consuming every meal at the table or over the sink or in your car while breathing oxygenated air -- typical modern American diet. But I promise you, if you truly commit to the moose cleanse and listen to what your body is telling you, your system will find a way to get the air it needs. Trust is a huge component of the moose cleanse. It's not just physical. It's going to transform every aspect of your life, even the way your heart and lungs metabolize diffused gases.

A body that's full of pondweed and birchbark and used to harsh conditions in both temperate and subarctic climates is a body that's going to move surprisingly quickly when startled or frightened.

Now the part everyone seems to want to talk about. Black flies. I won't lie and say they're not a problem. They love moose ... and they bite. A lot. But honestly, that's a big part of what eating underwater is for. It's a natural protection that moose have evolved over countless millennia. I promise you, if you just get yourself and your birch supply underneath the surface of a pond, you'll find the black flies much easier to avoid.

Now, you can of course build your own moose cleanse at home with nothing more than a few solid trees and a pond big enough for submerging; however, I also recommend considering a moose cleanse home delivery system. Not all of us have the time to forage for bark in the woods behind our backyard, I realize. You can sign up for a moose cleansing service and have the necessary materials brought to you every day: seasonal moose cleanse, nut moose cleanse, and active cultures moose cleanse are only a few of your delivery options.

Just like you would study before a test, you'll want to be sure to prepare yourself physically and mentally before you begin the moose cleanse. Whatever your goal is - quitting smoking, getting in touch with your body, boosting energy, glossier antlers - this will help you stay motivated while you moose. Some experts recommend keeping a journal during your cleanse as a way to keep track of how you feel after each meal, but as far as I'm concerned, when you're on a moose cleanse, if a moose wouldn't do it, neither should you. Moose rarely journal. That said, you should take note of any changes in your energy levels in order to anticipate cravings.

Are you excited? Are you ready to make a commitment to stay focused throughout your moose cleanse? Know that this is something you're capable of. Get excited about your moose cleanse. Remember, it's not about "not eating" human food. It's about eating more pondweed. Moose with a partner, and create a moosing schedule so that you can structure your day around it. I recommend moosing every two hours.

For those of you who work in an office and can't very well drag a deciduous forest into the break room with you, I recommend moosing at home whenever possible and bringing the strippings you've managed to accumulate overnight in a Thermos. You won't feel tempted to join the rest of the employees for cake or candy from the vending machines if you've got plenty of moose supplies on hand. And of course, don't forget to hydrate. Sometimes people do forget, and then they die of dehydration. It's very sad and entirely avoidable. Write it down if you have to, but drink water every day. No exceptions, no excuses.

Remember: you're doing this moose cleanse for you. This is your body and you're going to have to live in it for the rest of your life. A body that's full of pondweed and birchbark, covered in dendritic antlers, and used to harsh conditions in both temperate and subarctic climates is a body that's going to move surprisingly quickly when startled or frightened. And it's a body you're going to love.

Presented by

Mallory Ortberg is a writer based in San Francisco. Her work also appears on Gawker, The Awl, and The Hairpin. She is a writer and proprietor at The Toast.

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