The Moose Cleanse

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Any weight lost while on the moose cleanse is incidental.

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Did you know that pound for pound, the moose is the leanest ruminant on earth? It's true. Moose are very in tune with their natural surroundings. The cavemen understood this, so why don't we? Ever see a moose drop dead of a heart attack? Or turn down some bark because it's worried about blood sugar levels?

Of course not. 

It's an unfortunate reality of life that toxins are constantly building up in our bodies. 

A moose cleanse is a natural way to release those toxins, to give your body a break. It's pure, it's simple, and it's natural. A moose is both in the forest and of the forest. And after just a few days on the moose cleanse, you will be too.

Moose cleansing is not a diet -- it's a way of life. Any weight loss you may experience during a moose cleanse is incidental. You'll feel better, and you may find your jeans fitting a bit more loosely, but this is a whole-body approach to nutrition and wellness. You can take control of your health and your life.

If you truly commit to the moose cleanse and listen to what your body is telling you, your system will find a way to get the air it needs.

A few years ago, almost by accident, I started my first moose cleanse. After the first couple of days, I started to realize the amazing benefits of moose cleansing in my own life and realized that I wanted to share this with others. 

Look, your body works hard to break nutrients down into usable forms of energy, and sometimes your digestive system needs a break from digesting. Just like how sometimes your skin needs a rest from holding all your organs inside of you, or how your blood needs to take a rest from transporting dissolved gases away from your lungs.

In a society of excess full of toxins, pollutions, electricity, looking, and toxins, a moose cleanse can help you rediscover your needs, balance your body (no more falling!), maybe lose a few pounds, and generally feel better. It's also very good for eliminating toxins from your system.

What is a toxin? It may surprise you to learn how many toxins we come in contact with during the course of an ordinary day: Sitting, computers, materialism, smelling, desserts (Japanese), metal, not saying yes to yourself, hesitation, textiles, cooking, recession, texting, chewing, desserts (Western), low self-esteem, tight hamstrings, suffering, parents, yoga (non-Bikram), yoga (all other kinds), shoes, vaccines, doctors, books, driving, cooking, shameful sex dreams, exciting sex dreams, and folding.

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On the moose cleanse, your body can use the energy you save from digestion to clean out old matter (stool, bacteria, and sausage) from the small intestine, making it even smaller and more efficient. The average person holds 5 to 10 pounds of toxic matter in their intestines, and moose cleansing is the ideal way to release it, giving the rest of your body a chance to heal itself from all that poisonous eating. Think of it as a "detox" from the normal way your body breaks down food and turns it into energy. No wonder people on the moose cleanse report an increased vitality, vibrant skin elasticity, fewer illnesses, and more acute mental awareness -- that's just the beginning of what your body is capable of doing when you're not wasting time and effort on breaking down nutrients.

When you moose, you'll be able to process way more birch through bark stripping than you could ever just eat at one time. This way you maximize the nutritional benefits of ingesting 10, even 15 pounds of roughage every day. Without the added burden of birch digestion - which takes a lot of time and energy - your body will be free to detoxify your liver and kidneys. Your digestive system will return to an ideal alkalized state. Best of all, your glands and hormonal levels will stabilize: no more wandering thymus!

That's not to say that birch will be the only thing you're allowed to consume on this program. Far from it! On the moose cleanse, about half of your food intake should come from aquatic plants. When you realize the extent of the abundant array of pondweeds, water lilies, algae, and watercress available to you, you won't feel deprived for a minute.

Because moose don't have upper front teeth, you'll want to make sure to avoid using yours whenever possible in order to extract the maximum possible benefits from your food. Instead, the moose has a very sensitive prehensile lip that helps them grab hard-to-reach plants and distinguish between twigs and shoots. You'll want to do the same. Whether you're grabbing water lilies up by the base roots and all or stripping an entire branch of leaves in a single mouthful, your prehensile upper lip is your best friend when it comes to maximizing plant matter intake.

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Mallory Ortberg is a writer based in San Francisco. Her work also appears on Gawker, The Awl, and The Hairpin. She is a writer and proprietor at The Toast.

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