How to Keep Parenthood From Making Your Marriage Miserable

Contemporary depictions of marriage would have you believe that a baby will push your spouse away, but that isn't necessarily the case


Must parenthood make your marriage miserable? Contemporary depictions in the press and popular culture might make you think so. Jennifer Senior's much discussed New York magazine piece, "Why Parents Hate Parenting," last year documented the apparent legions of affluent urban parents who find themselves with everything they dreamed of -- an educated, attractive spouse; fulfilling careers for wife and husband; and one or two healthy children -- who nevertheless experience parenting as a burdensome chore and a profound obstacle to a happy marriage. "Why Parents Hate Parenting" was replete with art photos of a beautiful young wife and handsome, shirtless husband in a retro-chic home with their healthy infant twin boys ... and everyone looking miserable in every shot. Similar depictions can be found of the challenges of combining marriage and parenthood can be found on television shows like Up All Night and movies like Flirting With Disaster.

Some women apparently decide that parenthood and a happy marriage are so incompatible they would rather strike out on their own as a single mother rather than settle for a hum-drum marriage and family life. Lori Gottleib's opening salvo several years ago on the pages of this magazine declaring that having a baby with no man underfoot solves the dilemma of late-thirty-something professional womanhood was one contribution to the evolving narrative that a baby is a woman's reward after decades of dedicating herself to a career, that adult relationships are often unstable or unappealing, and that marriage need not precede motherhood. In a recent Slate piece, single mother of two Katie Roiphe writes of sensing jealousy among her academic colleagues because she has managed to achieve the blessing of two children without having to "pay ... the usual price [of] ... Thai food and a video with your husband on a Saturday night." Recent movies like The Back-Up Plan starring Jennifer Lopez and The Switch starring Jennifer Aniston lend plausibility to the idea that it is easier to go it alone as a parent.

A substantial minority -- about 35 percent -- of husbands and wives do not experience parenthood as an obstacle to marital happiness.

These modern day portraits of parenthood raise vital questions: Do women and men today experience parenthood differently depending on whether they are married or unmarried? And, if they are married, is parenthood itself an obstacle to a good marriage?

In a new report "When Baby Makes Three: How Parenthood Makes Life Meaningful and How Marriage Makes Parenthood Bearable" (PDF), just published in the latest issue of the State of Our Unions, we examined nationally-representative survey data, including a new, nationally-representative study of more than 1,400 married couples (18-46), to respond to these questions.

Contrary to the celebratory pieces on voluntary single motherhood by journalists like Roiphe, we found that married parents generally do experience more happiness and less depression than parents who are unmarried. For instance, among women, 50 percent of married mothers report that they are "very happy" with life, compared to 39 percent of cohabiting mothers and 25 percent of single mothers, even after controlling for differences in education, income, and race/ethnicity. The transition to parenthood is hard, but being married helps soften the blow.

We also found that the impact of parenthood is not negative on outcomes such as marital stability or whether one perceives one's life to have meaning. In fact, married parents -- especially women -- are significantly more likely to report that their "life has an important purpose," compared to their childless peers. For instance, 57 percent of married mothers reported high levels of a sense of purpose, compared to 40 percent of childless wives.

Presented by

Elizabeth Marquardt & W. Bradford Wilcox

Elizabeth Marquardt is the director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values. W. Bradford Wilcox is the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia.

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