Who Cares If Lance Armstrong Confesses?

Guys, you have got to be kidding me. Would you watch all of Jaws but change channels just before Brody blows up the shark? Would you sit through 99 percent of Mel Gibson's Hamlet then skip the finale swordfight? This is the good part, kids. This is where the bad guy gets it. Don't you even tell me not to watch.

This is the good part, kids. This is where the bad guy gets it. Don't you even tell me not to watch.

We live in a cynical age, but the sheer depth of Armstrong's betrayal is shattering. What did Pete Rose do? Bet on games. Tiger Woods cheated on his wife. Lance Armstrong was allegedly at the center of the most efficient illegal doping operation in the history of professional sports, and you guys want to blame everyone but him. Don't give me this "The fault lies not in our stars, but ourselves" crap. The fault here lies with just one man.

Jake, you've got a lot of nerve calling the American people sanctimonious. Armstrong made millions defrauding the world, systematically corrupting an already troubled sport. Now this this lying, cheating, manipulative bully is finally going to apologize to the public he cheated. You want to blame public for it? You think that American celebrity culture is the problem? Please. He's lucky not to be in jail. Instead he'll probably get a reality TV show and keep living rock a rock star. Yeah, we're so mean and vengeful.

Patrick, you also blame the victims. You think the problem is that Americans are just too darn too naïve about our athletes and hypocritical about drugs. Come on. Has it really become too much for us to ask that our star athletes also be decent people? Have our standards fallen that low? We shouldn't even ask for a good player to be a good role model too? That's unacceptable to me, and, I pray, to the rest of the world.

Sure, greatness can always have a dark side, and we all have flaws. Yet somehow dozens of hall-of-fame caliber athletes in every sport manage to win without being terrible human beings.

More importantly, they manage to win within the rules.

You may be right that our attitudes about steroids and HGH need to change, but that doesn't have a thing to do with the fact that Lance cheated to win races. Our attitudes don't need to change about things like, say, refrigerating your own blood and injecting it back into your body before competing and making others do the same.

For what Lance should say to Oprah, ask one of his PR consultants. I'd say beg for mercy, but Patrick's idea of flipping the script and giving the county good tongue-lashing about idol worship might work. Frankly, what he says doesn't matter much to me. Lance will be compelling TV because it's always interesting to watch people lie. But the real fun will be Oprah's disapproval. She crushed the author James Frey, humiliating him in front of all humanity, and all he did was make up some of his memoir A Million Little Pieces.

Armstrong's crimes were far worse. Here's hoping Winfrey makes him pay dearly. The people he hurt need it. Here's hoping that she jams that air tank firmly into the shark's mouth and shoots true. Here's hoping that she cuffs him to the sinking houseboat, Max Cady-style, and he goes down speaking in tongues. This isn't revenge, guys. It's not even justice. But it's our chance to finally see Hans Gruber fall backwards off a building. Of course I'm going to watch.


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Patrick Hruby, Jake Simpson, and Hampton Stevens 

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