Ain't No Party Like a Liz Lemon Party: 100 of the Best '30 Rock' Quotes

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A collection of Liz Lemon & Co.'s best one-liners, gripes, musings, and wacky non sequiturs, in honor of their last night on air

30Rock-Cast.jpg
NBC

Well, the big day is finally here: Tonight we'll watch Liz, Jack, and the rest of the TGS gang say their final goodbyes. If 30 Rock has been a bit uneven in recent seasons, the one thing that remained a constant was the hilarious, quotable lines that the show's talented writing team would sprinkle into each episode. I spent the past few weeks culling through my favorites to come up 100 of the very best lines—from the weird to the wonderful to the wonderfully weird. The only rule: Each of the entries had to work as a standalone quote, sans context, which in most cases, made them even funnier.

Relive some of the best 30 Rock moments below, and by all means, let's keep this going in the comments. Long live Elizabeth Miervaldis Lemon!


"Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets." —Tracy, Season 1, Episode 1

"Those shoes are definitely bi-curious." —Jack, Season 1, Episode 3

"So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week." —Tracy, Season 1, Episode 4

"No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama." —Liz, Season 1, Episode 5

"You know there are 17 million rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?" —Dennis, Season 1, Episode 6

"I am a stabbing robot." —Tracy, Season 1, Episode 7

"It's after six. What am I, a farmer?" —Jack, Season 1, Episode 7

"Jack Donaghy is gonna kill me and then he's gonna kill you and then he's gonna fold us up in a pizza and eat us." —Liz, Season 1, Episode 9

"I don't have any money if that's what you're after. And I'm not one of those girls that does weird stuff in bed because they think they have to. If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that anymore. And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who's a cop so don't even try it." —Liz, Season 1, Episode 11

"Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap." —Jack, Season 1, Episode 15

"I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Wait... what was the question?" —Tracy, Season 1, Episode 17

"Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the '60s." —Dr. Spaceman, Season 1, Episode 18

"I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness." —Jack, Season 1, Episode 19

"The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful Black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors, but Jesse Jackson, Colin Powell and Gordon from Sesame Street, they're members too, and they meet four times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the Interweb." —Tracy, Season 1, Episode 20

"Lemon, women your age are more likely to get mauled at the zoo than get married." —Jack, Season 2, Episode 1

"Never go with a hippie to a second location." —Jack, Season 2, Episode 4

"Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic—colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms." —Jack, Season 2, Episode 5

"Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon! Have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?" —Tracy, Season 2, Episode 6

"Lemon, what happened? Did you take an Ambien with your Franzia and sleepwalk here?" —Jack, Season 2, Episode 7

"I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I'm just kidding, I know he doesn't care what humans do." —Tracy, Season 2, Episode 8

"I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the Devil's temperature!" —Kenneth, Season 2, Episode 10

"The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions... I feel like I'm back in that boiler room; making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner..." —Jack, Season 2, Episode 11

"If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down." —Liz, Season 2, Episode 12

"Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi." —Liz, Season 2, Episode 13

"I wolfed my Teamster sub for you!" —Liz, Season 2, Episode 14

"I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider it erotica."- Liz, Season 3, Episode 1

"One time I laughed at a blind guy eating spaghetti! Sometimes I pee in the shower if I'm really tired! I saw my grandparents making love once and I didn't leave right away!" —Liz, Season 3, Episode 5

"Rich 50 is middle-class 38." —Jack, Season 3, Episode 5

"I give you a simple management suggestion in a professional context, and I get back the second half of a Judy Blume novel." —Jack, Season 3, Episode 9

"No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say 'oh it's the wrong night' and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I'll put my mouth on his mouth." —Liz, Season 3, Episode 10

"I wouldn't have this job if it wasn't for the mouth in my back." —Kenneth, Season 3, Episode 11

"If you're watching this, you are an executive of the General Electric Corporation, and the unthinkable has happened. Capitalism is ending, either because of the Soviets or something ridiculous, like a woman President. I'm speaking to you from the year 1987, but the message is timeless: Avoid The Noid!" —Don Geiss, Season 3, Episode 12

"Donuts and bed? What are you depressed about, or celebrating?" —Pete, Season 3, Episode 13

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Caroline Stanley is managing editor at Flavorwire.

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