The monologue—Brand riffs on tight pants, fame, and marriage to Katy Perry.
Hosni Mubarak (Fred Armisen) returns to Weekend Update to share his version of events, and to thank the American people ("because behind every horrible dictator is an enabling superpower...")
Nightclub maven Stefon (Bill Hader, once again unable to keep a straight face) is back to recommend such romantic Valentine's Day attractions as midgets on rollerskates, Gizbo the coked-up gremlin, a wise old turtle who looks like Quincy Jones, 12 dancing "Jewpids," and more...
Lil' Wayne and Eminem (a hilariously on-target Taran Killam) attempt to clean up their lyrics for Valentine's Day.
Commercial—Frank Gublin, Attorney at Law wants to help you recover damages for injuries inflicted by Spiderman, the musical.
NEXT, ON MARCH 5: Miley Cyrus, with musical guest The Strokes.